Decisions! Decisions! Decisions!
My recent experience in being ruthlessly honest with myself
Sometimes life puts us in a position where we have to be REALLY honest with ourselves. You know you’re in that kind of position when you find yourself debating over whether or not you should go after what you feel to be true or to just follow your logical mind, which is convincing you otherwise.
What I'm seeing is that it's not necessarily about whether or not I can do it, but if it is something I am being called to do right now or not. When it's a ‘no’, and you make attempts to reason with yourself, you're actually bypassing your guidance system. A ‘no’ is a no, no matter how much you try to sugar-coat it.
Plans In Disarray
I was supposed to have a visitor today, but because I was feeling like I have nothing to give I decided to cancel. My cup had just enough juice to keep me going. Sharing with someone else at that point would have left me exhausted and empty. Drained.
I had planned on going to a place that’s an 8-hour drive from where I live tomorrow, to meet and bring a cat home by Sunday. After much deliberation and dealing with issues with my car, I have now seen that there is no way in hell I’d drive there tomorrow feeling the way I feel. Maybe I won’t drive there at all.
Feeling Down Or Feeling Sick?
Make no mistake, I’m not ill, even though I did have the flu a few days ago. Too often do people equate ones ‘not feeling good’ with being ill. This has nothing to do with being sick and more to do with being aware of ones energy levels. I think feeling ‘down’ could be interpreted as a sign of how far one has moved from ones centre or essence. Being ‘out of sorts’ becomes the body’s way of communicating, rectifying the situation and getting back into balance, into equilibrium.
What happens when we bulldoze ourselves by making decisions that aren’t in alignment with our truth? We’re left feeling depleted and in need of recharging. I do think one can maintain a steady energy level despite going through the ebbs and flows of life, but that requires really paying attention to what you need at every moment and at every turn. When you have that kind of attunement in place, I think all else aligns. I am yet to experience this, as I find myself caught up in experiences that are constantly seeking to re-mind me to listen within and not just take actions rooted from an external force.
Moving out of centre is not necessarily a bad thing. Every experience informs our bodies in some way, and then it’s up to us to understand the language of our bodies. To interpret what the signs mean.
Self-Care Is Crucial
I still find it difficult making the choices that support me because of many reasons, all of which are linked to some belief system that I’m carrying. Want to please. Don’t want to disappoint. “But shouldn’t you be caring for yourself first in order to be able to extend that to others?”
Well yea... sounds logical enough. Fill your own cup first and let it overflow so you can better be there to support and care for others. And yet that’s not what I experience often because care for self is not what drives my decision… At least not the majority of the time, but I’m getting there. Step by step, day by day.
When you put others first, to your own detriment, it’s like you’re basically telling the world that you’re not WORTH the time, the care, the effort etc etc. The way in which we show the world and ourselves where we stand is through our actions. How we treat ourselves tells A LOT about the beliefs we carry about life and the way we think, and how we want to be treated.
Superhuman?
I used to pride myself on never ever having to call in sick. I would be so happy when I got a cold during my off-days. Little did I know that it’s actually when I stop that my body can FINALLY get her message across. That message was probably there long before I got the cold. I just wasn’t paying attention because I was in “go” mode.
Not surprising as we live in a culture that supports and encourages hard-working people who are never "sick" or ill. As if we're robots. We're not robots. We are humans who experience the cycles of life both internally and externally, just like any other living organism. We just need to stop, listen and pay attention.
Look within and you’ll find the answers that you seek. When we are able to look within first, then we are able to make decisions that are supportive and nurturing to us and other people. Sometimes it’s these small seemingly insignificant decisions that matter the most, as they are what will paint the picture for other experiences in the future.
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