Self-Awareness | Self-Discovery| Finding Me
Walking Through The Minefields Of Inhibitions
At The Crossroads Of Self Doubt
I talked to the colored-painted walls today, wrapped in a shawl to keep my demons at bay. No one heard the silent soft-spoken words, the choking darkness amplified by the showers of heavy downpours beating against the windowpanes, the trickles on the glass, same as those running down my puffy face.
The thick constriction in my heart made it difficult to hear myself talk. The hollowed whispers from my tongue and feeble punches to the brick wall were the only medium of expression I could manage in my broken state.
Several times I have heard people say, talk about it. Does it really help?
How do I express something so twisted, its origins are unknown, weaving through my mind like cobwebs spinning in places where they shouldn’t be.
I desperately want to reach down and yank these feelings out, stomp down hard on them, until it disappears with the trickles, washed away by the storm. But I can’t. Try as hard as I may, it eludes me, every time.
It won’t let me touch it, slipping through the wide cracks in my fingers, an elusive feeling of nothingness, a constant reminder that I may not be good enough still, despite the million efforts poured in, the struggles conquered, and the small victories.
My limbs are constantly weighed down by exhaustion, too tired to lift my broken spirit, so I just lay there, speaking wordlessly to the only thing that won’t judge me and mock my weaknesses.
The great big wall.
Trapped in my insecurities, I have allowed myself to be consumed whole, doubted my every move, and questioned my judgments up until this day because I don’t feel enough to make it through successfully.
Life shouldn’t be a battle, and it shouldn’t be this hard, but it hits us below the belt at unexpected times, dealing us cards that are impossible to win. I don’t know how I get up each morning and face my day; the way I see it, everything combined is involved in making it happen.
Every day is a struggle in itself. I have to fight to put these demeaning overwhelming thoughts at bay, but each time I try, it threatens to break free. It’s a pressure away from erupting and destroying all I have managed to piece together.
We walk through minefields every day of our lives, constantly at crossroads with self-doubt, questioning the rationale behind what we do, why we do it, the mistakes we make, the failures we encounter, the disappointments slapped on our faces at every turn, the embarrassing rejections and the inevitable dead ends.
It is frustrating and exhaustingly painful to live through, knowing it’s no fault of ours that we encounter such setbacks, yet we let it eat away at our souls, chipping off what’s left of our hope for a brighter tomorrow.
We hide it so damn well, those thick scars, carried like badges of honor across our chest, until the thin layers are peeled off under the covers of darkness, where we are faced alone with our aching plights, our backs turned away from the world, our teeth’s sinking into the soft sheets to hold off our muffled screams, letting it all out.
Self-doubt is a haunting plague, it cannot be cured by trying to outrun it.
At intervals, these feelings will surface, bubbling to the top at critical points in our lives; a new appointment, career change, splitting up, moving out, a new location, quitting a habit, or personal growth in a chosen field, these choices will come loaded with power packed insecurities, what ifs and fear of the unknown.
I want to break this consuming circle, the need to be free of it burning deep in my heart, telling myself I am better, without really believing my own words. A sneak peek at others running the same race, makes it harder to believe my truth.
Right now, I am a mess, but tomorrow, I will get up and affirm my truth.
As hard as it may seem, I will keep believing in my efforts, falling and rising every single time it hits me square in the face, my faults laid bare before my eyes, as with self-acclaim I will push through the maze to see the light.
With each step towards positivity, I move farther away from the crossroads of my inhibitions, a newer path taken towards growth, acceptance, mindfulness, hope, and self-love, believing in the capabilities of my creative mind, reaching for greatness through little significant contributions.
Doubts are always going to be present in everything we do, but learning to count our tiny victories, being grateful for the opportunities we took, accepting our decisions with grace, smiling at the little progress we have made along the way, growing with the lessons learned, and fighting to be better each day, is a step towards turning right, away from the crossroad, onto the better path.
Find the inner strength to overcome the loud voices in your head, speak your declarations with conviction, and believe in the power of your mind, and it will reflect in your outward actions. Take that leap of faith, shed the tight skin of doubt, one layer at a time, picking through the seams to allow the light of positivity to fill the dark spaces, and envelope your mind.
This time, when I turn in the dark, I will speak words of affirmation to the bright-colored walls, firmly asserting that I have power over my fears, never again to rule my life with an iron fist, as I talk through my next steps.
Give life your everything, make that choice without looking back, pursue those dreams without hesitation, give that opportunity your very best, then sit back, enjoy every single moment while you can, sing praises for the successes, and grow wiser with the failures.
Do not give doubt a chance to take root, it will surely come; I bet you it will fight hard and dirty to get through, knocking down your defenses with a brute force if you allow it, unless you stand firm, and look it square in the eye. Show no mercy, a perfect right hook through the heart will do the trick.
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