Fantasy Flashback: 1996 Draft
Fantasy Football… Then
With a surprising dearth of legitimately top-tier teams, putrid primetime matchups and alarmingly evil corporate machinations (even by American standards), the 2016 National Football League has been nigh unwatchable through a half season, tainting even the hallowed realm of fantasy with its wretched stankness.
It’s in that spirit that two friends have embarked on a nostalgic expedition through athletics and Americana to discover all we’ve left behind. Dig up your Old Navy Tech Vests, dust off your flux capacitors and journey with the Byzantium staff on a Fantasy Flashback to 1996…
WHY 1996?
It seems only logical to start 20 years ago. Perhaps it’s merely hindsight’s rose-tinted Instagram filter at work, but life was good back then, right? Not only was our economy enjoying the surplus of pre-scandal Bill Clinton, but even our fictional country was at its best, as “Independence Day” reminded us the world was worth saving, provided it was done exclusively by charismatic U.S. heroes (side note: the aliens only entered truly unforgiveable villainy when they inadvertently almost claimed the life of Will Smith’s idyllic golden retriever).
Moreover, football was fun! The eminently hatable Dallas Cowboys had trudged a trail of cocaine-fueled dominance to three straight Super Bowls that made them polarizing and entertaining as hell, the culmination of which saw Jerry Jones’ hilariously-brazen firing of a coach that had won consecutive Super Bowls… a batshit insane move that actually paid off (in the short term).
But beyond broad strokes memories like that, Dan and I can merely grasp at abstractions of what the NFL was like at the time. That’s what makes the 20 year gap the right entry point for this exercise: we can only vaguely recall random names from our favorite teams and a handful of legendary players, which makes the success of our respective drafts based on shaky, grotesquely inaccurate boyhood perceptions of the league.
Doesn’t it sound way more fun than 2016 Jaguars vs. 2016 Titans? We thought so.
FANTASY FLASHBACK RULES:
1. Fantasy Flashback participants are not allowed to look up statistics in any manner, even to verify oddly-specific game memories.
2. Lineups feature no substitutes. Scoring players are the following: 2 QB, 2 RB, 3 WR, 1 TE, 1 FLEX (W/R/T), 1 K, 1 D/ST
3. We abide by ½ point PPR fantasy scoring*
4. Injuries and byes are a risk play based on memories. Each participant is allowed to substitute 3 times throughout the season (at the outset of each new week) if dissatisfied with a player’s performance in weeks prior. After 3 subs, rosters are set until the end of the season.
5. Aggregate scoring, no head-to-head weekly matchups.
6. All Fantasy Flashback years must be from the pre-Goodell NFL era.
7. Winner receives one relic from loser pertinent to the Fantasy Flashback season in play.
*(OFFENSE: 1 pt./25 pass yds, 4 pt./pass TD, -1 INT., 1 pt./ 10 rush & rec yds, 6 pts./ rush & rec TD, 0.5 pts./rec. , 2 pt./2PC, -2 fumbles lost. KICKING: 3 pts/ 0–39 yd FG, 4 pts/ 40–49yds, 5 pts/ 50+, 1 pt/PAT. DEFENSE: 1 pt/Sack, 2 pt/ INT, 6 pts/INT, FMBL or RET TD, 2 pts./Safeties, 2 pts/Block, 10 pts/ Shutout, 7 pts/ 1–6 allowed, 4 pts/ 7–13 allowed, 1 pt/ 14–20 allowed, 0 pts./ 21–27 allowed, -1 pt/ 28–34 allowed, -4 pts/ 35+ allowed)
TEAM NAMES:
Jesse Hagen is Secret Slime Play Action (SSPA)
Dan Poppke is Favre for Fighting (FFF)
ANNOTATED DRAFT:
SSPA loses coin toss. FFF wins first pick.
Round 1:
FFF — Jerry Rice
Rationale: Felt like going with the best all time is a safe bet in a season whose statistical details you cannot recall whatsoever.
SSPA — Thurman Thomas
Rationale: Despite knowing the trade that decimated my Vikes already happened, Herschel Walker on the Cowboys roster makes me weary of taking Emmitt Smith #1. I think the league was RB dominated and TT had led the Bills to 3 straight Super Bowls, I think.
Round 2:
FFF — Terrell Davis
Rationale: I’m going to make a similar RB gambit and select Terrell Davis. We’re a year, I believe, away from DEN back-to-back SBs. TD was awesome through those runs, and I’m banking on him performing in 96 as well.
SSPA — Emmitt Smith
Rationale: Have to take Smith here. I know he had a 20 TD season during my childhood and even with Walker’s ceremonial presence, if this is that year, Smith could workhorse me to a title.
Round 3:
FFF — Barry Sanders
Rationale: I’m nervous, but I’m going to take Barry Sanders. We’re very close to premature retirement, and I feel like there might be a blowup season here; but I feel like he was the best RB in football in almost every year he suited up.
SSPA — Cris Carter
Rationale: Time for the first homer pick. However, Carter was Rice’s statistical 2nd in nearly every category, so it’s not merely the Minnesotan in me making this pick.
Round 4:
FFF — Brett Favre
Rationale: I’m picking Favre. I feel like he may have won the MVP this year (if it’s his SB). Maybe he’s got some monster stats mixed in with all the booze, pills, and dick Polaroids. Also, a bit of a return salvo to your Emmitt Smith pick.
SSPA — Steve Young
Rationale: Gross, though understandable given your team name. I’m hoping he singlehandedly sinks your team with a deluge of INTs. I’ll take Steve Young to counterbalance Rice and get some sneaky ground points. Young TO on that roster could bode well for me too.
Round 5:
FFF — John Elway
Rationale: Sticking with QBs, I’m going Elway. I feel like someone with those career numbers couldn’t have ever had a bad year, right?
SSPA — Marshall Faulk
Rationale: I’ll snatch up Marshall Faulk, hopefully not prematurely. I think he busted out this year and with 0.5 PPR, I’ll take the gamble.
Round 6:
FFF — Tim Brown
Rationale: Total name recognition thing here.
SSPA — Keyshawn Johnson
Rationale: Ditto.
Round 7:
FFF — Antonio Freeman
Rationale: Rookie (I think) Keyshawn! Might even be when “throw me the damn ball” first found its way into the lexicon. I’ll keep riding my “GB was good” premise with Freeman.
SSPA — Rod Smith
Rationale: Ugh, Freeman always killed my Vikes. I’ll grab Smith to limit your Elway pick. No Eagles yet, Dan?
Round 8:
FFF — Irving Fryar
Rationale: Enter Irving Fryar. 10 year-old me owned his jersey, and 10 year-old me did not back losers (except for, you know, the Eagles as a whole).
SSPA — Dan Marino
Rationale: We know he didn’t win rings, but perhaps his gaudy passing numbers snag me whatever 1996-themed prize is at stake. Slightly terrified that I can’t think of one other Dolphins player though. Was this the team with Karim Abdul Jabbar, the football player on it?
Round 9:
FFF — Ben Coates
Rationale: In an effort to diversify and not rely on just one or two teams, I’m going to grab Ben Coates as my starting TE I remember him being good from Tecmo Bowl, and I think NE made the SB in 96.
SSPA — Shannon Sharpe
Rationale: Taking a chance here, as I’m not sure if it’s this season that he’s good but I’m picking Shannon Sharpe, despite his current affiliation with eternal purveyor of wackness Skip Bayless.
Round 10:
FFF — Jimmy Smith
Rationale: Give me Jimmy Smith here. Jacksonville had a few good years with Mark Brunell at some point and I remember Jimmy being awesome.
SSPA — Isaac Bruce
Rationale: I know this is pre Greatest Show on Turf, but I think Isaac Bruce was the lone bright spot for the Rams O before that era.
Round 11:
FFF — Curtis Martin
Rationale: 10 year-old me just LOVED it when Chris Berman called him “Curtis ‘My Favorite’ Martin”. 10 year-old me also owned an Irving Fryar jersey. 10 year-old me was an idiot.
SSPA –Eddie George
Rationale: One of my fave football cards I ever had was a hologram motion card featuring Eddie George. Rationale me tells me he was good based on name recognition, but if that card was any indication, he was an interdimensional Gridiron destroyer.
Round 12:
FFF — Gary Anderson
Rationale: I adored Gary Anderson when he was with Philly. Also, a nice opportunity to work in a little Vikes prequel heartbreak.
SSPA — Wellsley Walls
Rationale: Gee thanks Dan. Casually pretending to be unaffected by that. Moving on, I remember WW being a legit pass catching TE and I think 96 or 97 was when the Panthers got really far in the playoffs.
Round 13:
FFF — Drew Bledsoe
Rationale: QB on our perceived SB runner-up. Not much to see here, pretty unsexy pick. You could call this the “Drew Bledsoe” of FF selections.
SSPA — Kordell “SLASH” Stewart
Rationale: Sweet, you left my secret weapon on the board: SLASH. According to my memory of his SI for Kids cover, you’re royally boned. I’m not too worried about Marino & Young, but I may lobby for SLASH to play Flex, given his namesake practically birthed the Flex position.
Round 14:
FFF — Kieth Jackson
Rationale: I’ll happily cosign your measure to play Kordell Stewart at the FLEX. Your SI Kids cover notwithstanding, I think SLASH’s best years are ahead of him. I guess I will pick packers TE Keith Jackson because whatever.
SSPA — Adam Vinatieri
Rationale: It does my soul good to take this pick. Somehow it’s making me feel both old and young at the same time. Is there such a thing as aging vertigo?
Round 15:
FFF — Bills
Rationale: I’ll close out my squad with the Bills D, because they still had Bruce Smith and he was awesome.
SSPA — Buccaneers
Rationale: I’ll take the Bucs. I remember them having a sick Defense with Ronde Barber, etc. I hope that had started by 96.
STARTING ROSTERS:
Favre for Fighting — Dan Poppke
QB — Brett Favre
QB — John Elway
RB — Terrell Davis
RB — Barry Sanders
WR — Jerry Rice
WR — Tim Brown
WR — Antonio Freeman
TE — Ben Coates
FLEX — Irving Fryar
K — Gary Anderson
D/ST — Bills
Reserves: Jimmy Smith (WR), Curtis Martin (RB), Drew Bledsoe (QB), Kieth Jackson (TE)
Secret Slime Play Action — Jesse Hagen
QB — Steve Young
QB — Dan Marino
RB — Thurman Thomas
RB — Emmitt Smith
WR — Cris Carter
WR — Keyshawn Johnson
WR — Rod Smith
TE — Shannon Sharpe
FLEX — Marshall Faulk
K — Adam Vinatieri
D/ST — Buccaneers
Reserves: Isaac Bruce (WR), Eddie George (RB), Welsley Walls (TE), Kordell Stewart (QB)
WHAT’S NEXT?
We’ll be posting Thursdays and Sundays until we’re through the 1996 season. Follow along to see who has a shittier memory. Feel free to play along to see if your memory is also shitty!
