Fantasy Flashback: 1996 Week 3

Sept. 15–16, 1996

Bye Bye Bye (Bye Weeks)

Results from here

Archives:

Favre for Fighting — 129.64

Secret Slime Play Action — 91.48

FANTASY RECAP:

And so descendith the scourge of the bye week upon our young Fantasy Flashback season, in this the year of our lord nineteen hundred and ninety six. Bye week season begins with three total players taking the week off (two for SSPA and one for FFF).

Marshall Faulk’s team was NOT on a bye this week, though Mr. Faulk decided to give himself the week off never the less, posting an active ZERO for Jesse’s squad. The active ZEROs (oddly enough, the very same name of Jesse’s high school SKA band. He played 7th trumpet) are mounting for SSPA, looming large as the deficit continues to grow.

In this version of reality, “The Dude” packed on a few dozen lbs. and became the Saints coach. And he’s checking in from the future to express his disappointment in SSPA

Speaking of looming large, Brett Favre maintained his dominion over the rest of the NFL, posting yet another 20+ point performance (231 passing yards, 3 TD, 1 INT). Favre did throw his first INT of the season, though alas the deluge of INTs has passed by once again harmlessly.

Waiting for the INT Deluge like…

In a significant blow to FFF’s scoring output, number one WR Jerry Rice spent the week sidelined with the 49ers on a bye. It is believed that Jerry spent the bye week building a time machine, so that he could thrust forward 20 years and tell Future Jerry to maybe just sit this week out:

Exhibit A. “Watching Hannity @donaldtrump making America great again!!!”
— Jerry Rice (@JerryRice) January 27, 2017
Exhibit B: “Personal Foul: Taste Mask”

Although his team came up short for the third week in a row, there were nonetheless a few bright spots for Hagen’s squad. Dan Marino has finally shaken himself loose of the mini funk in which he’d been mired to start the season. Marino went off for 21.28 points this week (257 passing yards, 3 TD, 1 INT), marking the first time any SSPA QB has eclipsed the 20 point plateau.

It is through its RB corps where FFF was truly able to distance itself from SSPA. The duo of Barry Sanders and Terrell Davis combined to post 42.50 points, nearly 20 points higher than the meager effort put forth by SSPA’s Thurman Thomas/Emmitt Smith tandem.

VERY SERIOUS WEEKLY AWARDS:

The “Moon Shoes” Sky High Performers of the Week

Fun Fact: This kid jumped all the way up to the moon and back, and his T shirt STILL didn’t come un tucked.
  1. Dan Marino (21.28 Fantasy Points) — It is a little known fact that Dan Marino’s hair is not naturally curly. In high school, Marino decided to experiment with a perm in the leadup to his school’s Sadie Hawkins dance, and it’s stayed that way since. Marino even tried shaving his head to give himself a fresh start. But, much to his dismay, the perm simply roared back into place a mere 36 hours later, even more robust than before (photographic evidence of the event posted below).

2. Brett Favre (20.94 Fantasy Points) — Though only portraying himself for a brief scene in the hit film “There’s Something About Mary”, Favre unwittingly contributed to one of the movie’s iconic scenes. While killing time in between takes, Favre attempted to flash his penis to star Cameron Diaz, as would become his signature move. But, unfortunately, the zipper on his Wrangler Jeans malfunctioned, ensnaring his manhood in a brutally painful vice grip. From there, as the Farrelly Brothers would later comment in unison, “the franks-n-beans scene just wrote itself”.

3. Barry Sanders (18.50 Fantasy Points) — After the team’s road loss in Philadelphia, Sanders took his efforts to elude Lions management to a whole new level this week when he removed the “Rocky” statue from its position in front of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, painted himself into a crude replica of the statue, and attempted to hide in plain sight. Alas, his efforts were for naught. It turns out that teammate Tracy Scroggins is both an art lover and an avid “Rocky” buff. Scroggins easily spotted Sanders’s ruse while touring the museum after his team’s humiliating defeat.

The “Creepy Crawler” Creeps of the Week

A fitting way to honor the greatest “Batman” film ever made
  1. Marshall Faulk (ZERO Fantasy Points) —In what wound up being a bit scandalous for Faulk, he accidentally let slip in a postgame interview that he deliberately tanked this week’s game because he couldn’t bear the thought of hearing Chris Berman shouting “Marshall! Marshall! Marshall!” when replaying the game highlights. Said Faulk: “I understand the wordplay. I’ve seen ‘The Brady Bunch’ and all. But, Jesus Christ, it’s just so hacky. What’s wrong that guy? How the fuck did he get on TV?”
  2. Thurman Thomas (7.9 Fantasy Points) — Thomas’s poor play of late is at least partly attributable to his recent off-the-field financial peril. Prior to the start of the season, Thomas sunk the bulk of his fortune into designing and producing his own line of hot/cold food and beverage containers bearing the name “Thurmos Thomas”. Sadly, to date the market for “Thurmos Thomas” has been tepid. The company is staring down the barrels of bankruptcy.
  3. Buffalo Bills DST (2.0 Fantasy Points) — After a strong showing last week, the Bills defense failed to register even one sack in a 24–6 shellacking at the hands of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Buffalo’s defense obviously suffered without sack specialist Bruce Smith, who was forced to miss the game due to second degree burns, which Smith sustained when his “Thurmos Thomas” spontaneously cracked in half, dumping 32 ounces of searing crab bisque into the Defensive Lineman’s lap, as he settled in for his customary post-practice soup.

ROSTER MOVES (IF ANY):

Dan — The best thing about building up a healthy lead is that I get to leave Irving Fryar in the lineup despite the fact that he’s basically become useless (much the same way I remembered it back then. Thus rendering my decision to purchase his jersey all the more baffling). Stand pat!

Jesse — *Quietly sobs* No ch-ch-changes, sir.

IN THE NEWS 9/15/96–9/22/96:

Sep 15: Some folks died.

Sep 16: The world of Gross Radio would never be the same, as the Howard Stern show debuts in Panama City, FL.

Sep 17: Former US Vice President Spiro Agnew drops dead at the age of 77. We could not possibly have known it then, but his political career was far from over.

“Ahhhroooo”

Sep 18: Roger Clemons mainlines horse crank, ties MLB record for strikeouts in a game.

THIS WEEK IN POP CULTURE:

#1 Song: “Macarena (Bayside Boys Mix)” by Los Del Rio (3 Weeks in a row! So Proud of us)

#1 Movie: Last Man Standing

#1 NY Times Bestseller: “The Green Mile Part 6: Coffey on the Mile”, by Stephen King

Words by Dan Poppke

SCORING APPENDIX:

Favre for Fighting — Dan Poppke

QB — Brett Favre — 231 passing yards, 3 TD, 1 INT, 7 rushing yards (20.94 Points)

QB — John Elway — 180 passing yards, 1 TD, 2 INT, 3 rushing yards (10.90 Points)

RB — Terrell Davis — 137 rush yards, 1 TD, 4 catches 23 receiving yards (24.00 Points)

RB — Barry Sanders — 49 rush yards, 2 TD, 1catch, 10 receiving yards (18.50 Points)

WR — Jerry Rice — BYE

WR — Tim Brown — 5 catches, 60 receiving yards, 1 TD (14.50 Points)

WR — Antonio Freeman — 1 catch, 19 receiving yards, 1 TD (8.40 Points)

TE — Ben Coates — 6 catches, 61 receiving yards, 1 TD (15.10 Points)

FLEX — Irving Fryar — 6 catches, 63 yards (9.30 Points)

K — Gary Anderson — 3/3 PAT, 1/2 FG (30–39 yards) (6.0 Points)

D/ST — Bills — 24 PA 1 FF (2.0 Points)

Reserves:

Jimmy Smith (WR) — 2 catches, 10 receiving yards, 1 TD (8.0 Points)

Curtis Martin (RB) — 92 rushing yards, 1 TD, 5 catches, 33 receiving yards, 2 TD (33.0 Points)

Drew Bledsoe (QB) — 221 passing yards, 3 TD, 0 INT (21.04 Points)

Kieth Jackson (TE) — 2 catches, 10 receiving yards, 1 TD (8.0 Points)

Secret Slime Play Action — Jesse Hagen

QB — Steve Young — BYE

QB — Dan Marino — 257 passing yards, 3 TD, 1 INT (21.28 Points)

RB — Thurman Thomas — 68 rushing yards, 1 catch, 6 yards (7.90 Points)

RB — Emmitt Smith — 101 rushing yards, 1 TD, 2 catches, 14 yards (18.50 Points)

WR — Cris Carter — 5 catches, 74 receiving yards (9.90 Points)

WR — Keyshawn Johnson — 6 catches, 59 receiving yards, 1 TD (18.90 Points)

WR — Isaac Bruce — BYE

TE — Shannon Sharpe — 4 catches, 30 receiving yards (5.0 Points)

FLEX — Marshall Faulk — ZERO

K — Adam Vinatieri — 2/3 PAT, 1/2 FG (30–39 yds) (5.0 Points)

D/ST — Buccaneers — 27 PA, 2 INT, 1 FF (5.0 Points)

Reserves:

Rod Smith (WR) — ZERO (Part III)

Eddie George (RB) — 73 rush yards, 1 catch, -3 yards (7.50 Points)

Welsley Walls (TE) — 2 catches, 34 receiving yards (4.40 Points)

Kordell Stewart (QB) — 26 rush yards, 2 catches, 22 receiving yards (5.80 Points)

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