Dear Blogger:

You Are Doing It Wrong

Allow us to explain your problem areas.


Dear Blogger:

You are doing it wrong.

Our aim here is to make the internet a better place, and, as soon as we saw your website, we knew we had more work to do. We only come to you out of our interest in elevating public discourse and its guiding ethics so that you do not continue to jeopardize your reputation, the lives of your children, and good taste as we know it. Please understand that this is done for the greater good.

Here are a few simple equations to illustrate our concerns with your blog content:

  • You update your blog daily = You must be desperate for attention.
  • You update your blog only now and again when the mood strikes you = Your half-hearted attempt at keeping your blog alive makes you look like a failure.
  • You don’t excel at one particular thing but do it anyway because you like it = You are a narcissist with no objectivity about how others perceive you.
  • You are noticeably much better at one particular thing than any of the other things you do = You are a one-trick pony with no other merit.
  • You do not get very many comments = No one likes you, so why do you even bother?
  • You get a metric tonne of comments on every post = Your readers are sheep who’ve drunk the koolaid.
  • You interact with your readers by replying to them in the comments = You are making a pathetic attempt at padding your comment numbers.
  • You choose not to reply to every comment publicly = You are a snob who feels that you are above interacting with your fans.
  • You like to write lists on your blog = Lists are lazy and boring, and your blog is probably too far gone now to be worth saving. Do you steal all your ideas from BuzzFeed now?
  • You avoid writing lists = BuzzFeed is awesome, and you obviously hate success because you know you don’t really have what it takes.
  • You post pictures of your favourite foods, some of which happens to be high in fat, carbs, salt, or gluten = No wonder you look like crap, and you obviously don’t love your kids very much, judging by what you let them eat.
  • You post pictures of healthy food that would make anyone’s arteries sing hallelujah = You are lying about what you really eat, because you look like crap and your kids are fat.
  • You call yourself a writer = Bloggers aren’t writers, and it’s embarrassing that you use that term for what you do. You devalue the work of real writers.
  • You avoid calling yourself a writer = The problem with blogs is that the people who write them aren’t writers.
  • You bunk with other bloggers at conferences = You are unprofessional and shouldn’t go to conferences you obviously can’t afford.
  • You rent a suite by yourself when you go to conferences = You are what’s wrong with blogging, raking in money for nothing when others have to shill for coupons. Show off.
  • You write about your excitement when something goes well for you = You are insensitive to others and blind to your privilege.
  • You write about your disappointment when something doesn’t go well for you = You are ungrateful and blind to your privilege.
  • You post a photo of yourself wearing an outfit you love that you pieced together from items you already own = You should stop trying to be a fashion blogger if you are oblivious to current trends.
  • You post a photo of yourself wearing a new, on-trend outfit you love = You are trying too hard and have no fashion sense of your own.
  • You post pictures of your friends and family on your blog = Your brazen exploitation of people for your own gain should be illegal, and strangers are going to kidnap your baby.
  • You rarely post pictures of your friends and family = Your sad, lonely life looks sad and lonely. Have no friends much?

The above list is merely a brief summary of our issues with your content, but we trust that you understand there is always room for improvement.

If you have any questions or would like to receive a more in-depth analysis of our full report on your shortcomings, simply publish your questions and concerns on your blog or the popular social media platform of your choosing. We will be checking back periodically, and we will gladly explain your problem areas in more detail as the need arises.

Love,

Your unqualified critics and concern trolls.


Originally published at www.schmutzie.com on April 23, 2014.