Dealing with “I Cannot Stand my Child” Trauma
It is not unusual to come across parents who dislike their children. And then we wonder how this is even possible. Of course, it is possible and I have known many who actually disapprove (to put it mildly) of their offspring.
Not everyone is blessed with great loving relationships with their children.
(On a lighter note; haven’t we heard of children also called ‘issues’? 😊)
Well, I have been giving this some thought and maybe I have an answer.
Dislike often stems from hurt.
Children do hurt parents, there is no denying this. Some experience this fewer times while some see such instances very often. So, what happens after the parent/s feel pain?
Some get it off their minds and dismiss these experiences, saying they are after all their own children.
Some are upset, but tell themselves, ‘Who else will my children show their anger and feelings to’?
I have seen parents who just cannot believe what just happened and stay in a state of shock for long.
While some do lash back at their children, some just mope and wonder where they have done wrong.
All these can be parental behaviors. But what happens when a parent nurtures the feeling of pain and hurt and repeat to themselves that their children have wronged them?
Thoughts such as:
How dare they (children) talk to me like that?
They do not have a right to say such a thing.
I’ve done so much for them and this is what I get in return.
I have not seen any other child behave this way.
And this and many more negative thoughts linger constantly in parents’ minds, and they are unable to ‘let go’!
This builds up and is further concretized; attaching to it a specific feeling of anger, a wasteful negative emotion. Every time the child appears before the parent, the unmistakable feeling emerges and gradually rubs off the child as well.
Next, both child and parent begin to behave most predictably, displaying hate and resentment in more ways than one.
So, that is how antagonism festers.
Having said this, let me also give a few pointers on how this can be nipped off in the bud, leading to better relationships and more love between parents and children, which is but a natural emotion.
First of all, do not nurture any feeling of anger for your child. It takes just a few minutes to forgive and move on. However pungent the behavior was, when you give it no emphasis, it will diminish.
If possible, have a conversation when the child is feeling better — there is always a reason for such behavior. Sort it out and then give each other space. Relationships can get better when each one has their space.
Do not, as a parent, make the mistake of reprimanding your child before an audience, whoever that may be.
Relationships are built on ‘give and take’ — a parent-child relationship is no different. Fix things with incentives. Life becomes a happy game when you know how to do this.
Do not hold grudges, both children and parents are in the process of learning and no one is perfect. It matters to understand what is causing the unexpected behavior.
More than anything else, be there for your children and let them know you are there for them, whatever happens. Children who have faith instilled in them come out confident and caring.
