Writers’ Blokke
Published in

Writers’ Blokke

Does Tinder Work?

Photo Credit: Dezeen

Overview

Tinder, along with several other dating apps, has gained a lot of traction over the past few years. There’s an addictive satisfaction in making impulsive judgments upon other people while keeping the hope of finding love barricaded in the back of your mind. Dating apps have some inherent flaws if you’re using them to find a loving relationship, though.

It’s important to understand that the subset of people using dating apps like Tinder is skewed towards younger people who are currently dissatisfied with their love lives. Most people, especially when younger, have walls of built-up limiting beliefs and judgments that prevent high-vibrational energy (like love) from being attracted into their lives. The restrictive thought patterns are different for everybody, but thoughts like “I’ll never find a loving relationship” for one reason or another are, ultimately, the fuel for keeping a guard up and never allowing vulnerability. A lot of times, the walls we build around ourselves are a result of childhood trauma or former relationship trauma, in which an emotional wound is created but never properly healed. Instead of mending the wound, it is more common for people to take the negative feedback of emotional pain as a reason to guard oneself even more intensely to avoid getting hurt again. People hate losing more than they like winning when it comes to love, and Tinder is generally a stalemate of defensive battles.

Of course, anyone can find a truly loving relationship on a dating app, but there tends to be a whole lot more negative feedback on apps like Tinder than positive feedback. In short, it tends to go like this: two people, both emotionally fragile and uncertain, match with each other after making hundreds of impulsive judgments, only to either do nothing or ignore each other until one either deletes the other or their own account altogether. Less frequently (at least for me), the two will agree to go on a date, but the relationship either never materializes over time or disintegrates into a one-night stand — which could have been accomplished by going to a local bar, not using a dating app.

The absence of physically being in the presence of someone limits the depth of what your first-impression could or should be. The limitation can work both ways: there are probably people you’d find more approachable in person instead of over messages, and there are other people who you probably wouldn’t actually want to talk with in person but decided to swipe right on as an impulsive move. The other inherent weakness with using dating apps to find love is that it’s difficult to generate emotions and impossible to display body language/eye contact over a message. In my opinion, it’s easier to pick up on vibes in person. Also, conversations flow more naturally in person, especially when you find somebody who you’re compatible with.

My Experiences & How to be successful on Tinder if you’re a guy interested in girls

I never had a shortage of likes, and I was able to generate a fairly large amount of matches when I used the app more frequently, but, unfortunately, I wasted a lot of opportunities because I played the defensive game of not budging as hard as anybody. For me, swiping on Tinder was similar to making eye contact with girls while walking around a busy part of town on a nice day but not doing anything more.

For the majority of my matches, I would say nothing and eventually delete the girl a few weeks later because I lost patience; my Ego figured that if the girl actually wanted me, she would’ve gone out of her way to text me first. I did try making conversation with a fair amount of my matches, though. In the beginning, my conversation openers were either too assertive or not quite interesting enough. After some trial-and-error, I realized that it’s best to make conversation about some of her hobbies/interests that you actually find interesting too, respond pretty quickly, and try to slide the conversation over from Tinder to either Snapchat or text message soon after the dialogue begins if you feel some semblance of a connection. Ultimately, though, you need to go into Tinder with calm confidence and reasonable expectations.

Loving Advice

Honestly, I don’t recommend Tinder as a reliable method for generating a loving relationship, but Tinder is fine for experimenting if you’re new to an area or just shy. The best advice I could give for attracting love into your life is to slowly break down the barriers of limiting beliefs and judgments. If your emotional wounds hurt and you feel lost, start out by telling yourself (aloud) that you are worthy of being in a loving relationship and that allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable isn’t going to hurt you as long as you stay positive and confident in yourself. Give yourself a break. Also, it’s paramount to trust that The Universe will shuffle around the cosmic chessboard’s pieces to set you up with the right partner for you, specifically, as long as you continue to work on healing your emotional wounds over time.

The fact of the matter is that most people who crave the love and attention of a relationship the most are the ones who were most severely damaged by emotional wounds (probably when young). I know what it’s like to be suffocating in the depths of an ocean of emotional darkness, but, truthfully, The Universe will give you exactly what you’ve been so deprived of as soon as you’ve acknowledged, evaluated, and healed your wounds. The Universe loves you unconditionally and wants to see you be the very best version of yourself, so that is why a loving relationship won’t be attracted into your life until you’re ready for one.

I know that it’s easy to become destructively envious of other people while being crushed repeatedly by emotional pain. It’s also easy to get very self-defeating during the healing process. It’s easy to wonder why all of this is happening to you, specifically. I can assure you that your suffering isn’t some cosmic joke; the pain should be viewed as an opportunity to overcome negative circumstances to become a stronger and better person. It’s easy to fall into an endless cycle of misery in which you assume nothing will work, and when nothing positive attracts, resorting to the self-defeating prophecy of “here we go again”. There’s a strange comfort in the darkness after a while, but the discomfort of changing your mindset is the light through the fog. Why was all of this pain and suffering inflicted upon you? Why do you want a relationship so badly? Because love is your life’s theme, and when you start to heal, you’ll be flung from the depths of darkness into the blissful light of love.

Conclusion

While Tinder is a catalyst for meeting people in your area you would have otherwise never known about, the app is, ultimately, a manifestation of the impulsive and desperate nature of human beings. I don’t recommend Tinder for finding love, but it can be useful if you’re new to an area. With the right mindset, though, there’s no need to worry about the defensive games of Tinder because you can’t lose.

--

--

--

The publication for writers and readers to create and read amazing content

Recommended from Medium

5 Signs Your Partner is Serious About Your Relationship

Kiss Me Once Before You Go

Challenging the Linear Relationship Narrative

Most of the Time you Meet Bodies with a Sour Soul

Life, Dating, and Growth on the Other Side of Divorce

The Good in Good-Bye

The Bungalow

3 Areas Never To Overlook Before Taking A Marriage Vow

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Lou Pastor

Lou Pastor

More from Medium

Why Men Pull Away And how you can tap into his deep desire for commitment…

A lot like Modern Dating

Why You Might Fall in Love With Your Co-Worker

How to Get Over A Breakup Learn the Secret to Opening Your Heart Again