Father
What I learned from you
I wonder where my childhood went???
all I remember was having to grow up too fast.
It seems like I was robbed and with each day,
my childhood just passed…
It saddens me that my memories with you aren’t
like a buried treasure, filled with shiny
wonderful things…
No gold, diamonds or rings.
They are more like a time capsule stuffed
with meaningless nothings.
like a bird trying to take flight with clipped wings…
I would ask my self everyday if you loved me
…did you?…do you?
If so why did you teach me how to drown?
…I got good at it … I never made a sound.
I kept a smile… even though I sank way below the surface
…my head always hanging down.
did you notice ?… or didn’t care?
I needed you present. Dad I just needed you there …
I know you weren’t in the right state of mind…
the drugs numbed your heart and made it go blind.
so blind…
you forgot about us … you forgot about me …
you taught me how to hate myself …
like I needed to be punished for
being who I was… who I am…
I learned that nothing I ever did was ever going
to be good enough…
I was never going to be worthy of your love.
you taught me to walk in fear…to fail on purpose
…even now acting confident makes me nervous
just know by writing about you… about us …
I’m not trying to bring you shame…
or even give you all of the blame.
mom played a part too,
but I’ll talk about her some other day.
I know the addictions you used to battle back then…
and still do … played a huge role…
your anger… your temper were far beyond your control .
I have so many things I’d like to ask you …
but I know no answer will ever be enough.
I’ve tried to come up with reasons myself
but its always been rough .
I wasn’t just robbed of my childhood but also my father…
and even though you were physically there the
daily abuse made life much harder.
I just wish I could sit down and talk to you …
but you are broken too…you are killing
yourself everyday…and in need of rescue.
seems like your dad taught you how to hate yourself too…
and I know no matter how hard I try
to connect with you …
you are in your own mission to self destruct.
just know that I forgive you and there is no reason for you to be stuck…
P.s. I love you Dad, we can create new memories .
