Getting a New Role and Missing the Old Self
I was lying on the bed with my baby beside me when suddenly I felt the urge to watch the old videos of me singing. So I clicked the archive feature on the Instagram and started watching the videos I uploaded years ago. As I watched the videos, this longing feeling appeared out of nowhere and I suddenly feeling blue. I saw the girl in the videos and I asked myself
“Are we even the same person?”
That girl in the video looked and felt really different than the present me. Somewhere along with the responsibilities of being a wife and a mom, I felt like I lost myself.
I’m not complaining for being a mom and a wife. Despite being exhausted all the time, I love my new role. For me, it is fulfilling. I love my little family and believe it or not, I enjoy doing domestic work. I love cooking, cleaning, and the other stuffs. And of course I love spending every minute with my baby.
But I can’t help to wonder
“Did I just loose myself as I got these new roles?”
And suddenly I think about my mom and how she loves to talk about her past, her youth, her heyday. Did she tell me all those stories because she missed herself? The one that gone away as she stepped into motherhood?
And then I think about the moms out there whose lives turn upside down when their baby was born. Do they ever feel losing their selves? Or they love their new role so much that they never even think about their old selves?
Well, I don’t know the exact answer because I believe every woman will have different answers to it. Some might miss their old selves, some might don’t.
But I like to believe that despite loosing their selves now, someday they will find their way back to their selves again. Even just the fraction of it.
I like to believe that despite being somebody’s mom or somebody’s wife, they can still feel like a whole person. A person without any label. Feeling like 100% theirselves again.
I know that I can never be my old self again. I’ve changed. That girl in the video is forever gone. But I cherish her so much in my heart. And I thank her for being a part of my journey.
