How I Survive the Night Feeds
A psychologist’s personal take on the messy and beautiful experience of nursing in the night.
The Mess
When I had my baby, I did not immediately feel like a “mummy". I did not experience love at first sight for my newborn. But with the physical recovery of childbirth to deal with, perhaps I might be forgiven.
Then came the dreaded night feeds.
For me, this was the bane of new motherhood. The experience of interrupted sleep and the physical discomfort associated with nursing interfered with the enjoyment of my newborn. Night feeds stole my sleep, my time with my husband, and it stole the sense that my body was my own.
Every two hours or so, whenever it was time for a feed, I’d be jarred awake by my daughter’s shrill cry. I’d get up and grope around for a towel and the edge of her crib, before reaching in to haul out a squirming infant. I could barely keep my eyes open. My back and shoulders ached, my head drooped. My mind was in a fog, interrupted only by sharp irritation.
“I’m tired. Ouch. I need to sleep so badly. I hope I don’t drop you. Hurry up please. Argh I hate this.”
When I sat down, her tiny hands with sharp little nails kneaded my chest. It was painful but I dared not intervene for fear of interrupting her. Afterall, I just spent 10 minutes struggling to get her squirming body into the right position to nurse. There was simultaneously fatigue and revved up anxiety. There was the uneasy anticipation that perhaps she might not go back to sleep immediately or that she does not drink enough this time and I’d be up again in the next hour. It was a visceral sense of being trapped. Teeth clenched. Muscles tensed. Skin crawled.
Night feeds are tough, whether it’s nursing or bottle feeding or pumping. It’s not just waking up bleary eyed that’s hard. There’s something incredibly lonely and vulnerable about being awake in the dark night. Yes, I was with my baby, but that’s not companionship. Though the snuggles were precious, it was still hard work. Frustration, irritation, and resentment set in quickly while sitting in the dark alone. I also experienced an inkling of jealousy that my partner continued to snore lightly in bed.
I realized that I had to find a way to get through these night feedings without building resentment.
Coping with the Mess
I knew from my work as a clinical psychologist that a mental escape while physically trapped is possible. When a task is unavoidable, distraction that induces positive emotion is beneficial. Over time, perhaps night feedings will become associated with these positive emotions as well. These were a few things that I found helpful to do while stuck in place with arms full of infant (I did these while breastfeeding, but hopefully a couple might be helpful during bottle feeds too):
- Activities. I found solace in a good show (bluetooth headphones help!) or book, all of which can be done on the smartphone, in the dark, with one hand. It’s also fun to look back on photos taken of baby that day and notice how much she’s changed from day one. Note however, that though reading the news or engaging with social media are attractive distractions, these may also bring about more anxiety (e.g. doomscrolling).
- Mindfulness. I tried to enjoy the present. I focused on my daughter’s physical features, how long her eyelashes were, or the curve of her cheeks. Even the fingernails that were scratching me were attached to adorably chubby hands. I avoided thinking about my own physical sensations, which would only have made my discomfort more salient.
- Education. Googling was also something I could do with one hand on the phone. I learned more about breastfeeding. Educating myself felt like self-improvement and therefore productive (in more ways than one!). I found out about the dysphoric milk ejection reflex (D-MER) which helped me understand why my emotions trend more negatively at the start of a breastfeeding session. This awareness helped me manage my emotions more effectively.
- Socialize. I sent out numerous “hello" text messages in the hopes of finding someone else who was also awake. I was surprised at how many night owls I found and it was pleasant to reconnect with friends whom I hadn’t met with in a long time.
- Nutrition. This is not necessarily a distraction, but attending to my own nutrition made it easier to manage my mindset while nursing. Avoid the “hanger”! I tried to eat enough at dinner or had a snack just before I went to bed in preparation for the night feeds. I also made sure to have a water bottle within reach while nursing.
Finding the Beauty
Finally, I wrote. Or more accurately, I fumbled with my phone with one hand while typing. Writing started out as a practice in journalling, a way to vent or to make sense of this experience. It’s helped me find meaning in this struggle with nursing in the dead of night.
Maybe the beauty in nursing my daughter is not the “amazingness” of breastmilk or bonding hormones, but the opportunity to experience what it means to sacrifice one’s own comfort for another. Perhaps that’s what love is.
It was alright that I didn’t immediately feel like “mummy". In fact, this was probably a common experience for other women too. Several months out, I still nurse my daughter often in the night. It’s not all butterflies and roses, but my love for her has grown and continues to grow.
There are numerous ways of coping and these are just some of mine.
If you’re reading this and find yourself struggling, you’re not alone! New mum life is tough! I encourage anyone struggling with the trials, triumphs, and changes that emerge with motherhood to seek consultation with a professional.
Resources for perinatal and postpartum depression:
This essay is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Seek the advice of your mental health professional or other qualified health provider with questions regarding your own condition. Do not disregard professional advice or delay seeking it because of something you have read here.
