How to let go and offer self-forgiveness?

We all make mistakes. We all feel guilty. It can be anything from cheating on your partner, behaving badly with your loved ones or spreading a rumor about a friend, etc.

There comes a situation in your life when you find yourself helpless. Eg losing someone accidentally while you were with them. Therefore, sometimes you punish yourself for a mistake that you have not done. Seeing your loved one losing their life in front of you is scary. It is not your fault but still, you find yourself guilty. Such incidents leave a deep scar.

There are many situations where you need to be forgiven for the mistakes which you did and sometimes you didn’t. Most of us tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others and we struggle to love ourselves.

If you are not feeling lovable because of the actions you’ve taken, you may need to work on self-forgiveness and offer to yourself what you offer to others who have hurt you: a sense of inherent worth, despite your actions.What can a person do when he/she apologizes to someone they’ve hurt but that person refuses to accept the apology?

It can be devastating for an apology to be denied, but another person’s forgiveness of you and your actions doesn’t have to determine how you continue to treat others — and, ultimately, yourself.

Of course, that’s no easy task for many, considering we’re infinitely harder on ourselves than anyone else. But forgiving yourself is an opportunity to get rid of pain and anger that has built up over time. Self-forgiveness moves you from focusing on a past hurt into the present. You may not forget the hurtful event, but you can move on with your life.

“When we break our own standards, a lot of times we won’t let ourselves ‘off the hook,’ so to speak,” says Dr. Enright.

“Self-forgiveness is not a free pass to keep up the nonsense. It’s to restore your humanity to yourself, as you correct [the damage you’ve done].”

Here are some ways to forgive yourself and let go of the burden you are carrying for so long.

1. Apologize without expectations

Even if you don’t think the hurt party will forgive you, Enright says that apologizing is the right thing to do, and it’s an important step in the process of self-forgiveness. “Seeking forgiveness and forgiving yourself go hand in hand,” proclaims Enright.

“You can set yourself free knowing you’ve done the best you can. You can get rid of the resentment towards yourself, understanding that you are a human being, and try to see you’re a person beyond what you’ve done. You’re more than that action.” -Dr. Robert Enright

2. Dive deep into your emotions

The cycle of guilt and self-loathing is far too easy a place to get stuck, sometimes for a very long time. And it can have a serious impact on your health — when you stay trapped in a shame loop, it can lead to issues such as sleeplessness, depression, self-medication, and lack of proper nutrition and/or exercise. (Not to mention it’s a blow to your gut health.)

Chicago-based therapist Alexandra DeWoskin, LCSW, explains that guilt, shame, and resentment can actually mask the root of the problem. She urges you to ask yourself: “What is this guilt made of? Is it fear? Is it sadness?”

Once you figure out exactly why you’re feeling so bad, you can start making things right. After all, as DeWoskin points out, “You’ve never made a good decision motivated by guilt.”

3. Don’t get attached to the outcome

While you’re working to forgive yourself, it’s important not to get stuck on the other person’s reaction to you. “Your forgiving yourself should never be [contingent on] what the other person does or says,” Enright says. “It’s the same thing with forgiving another: If I want to forgive another, but I have to wait for their apology, then I’m still trapped in that resentment.”

DeWoskin also notes that it’s “nobody else’s responsibility to make you feel a certain way,” so don’t hang on the possibility of an apology or possible forgiveness to chart your course. “In the end, everyone is responsible for their own feelings…and [forgiveness from another] is not the cure-all,” she says.

Takeaway

When you self-forgive you are struggling to love yourself when you are not feeling lovable because of your actions.

“Once you make the choice to forgive yourself and you’re ready to not feel guilty, it’s about walking the walk,” De Woskin says, adding that you can go on and live an insightful life that’s more reflective of the choices you are now making. Apply “a sense of worth and compassion towards [yourself] as an imperfect person who can be weak,” says Enright, and “slowly but surely you’ll love yourself again and find acceptance within.”

Reference — International Forgiveness Institute by Dr. Robert Enright

Authored by Prerna Dhulekar

This article first appeared on justmorealive.com.

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