How to Stop Stress-Eating Oatmeal
It’s not what you think. Or maybe it is.
If you are reading this, chances are you like oatmeal.
In this life, we have to make choices. Sometimes these choices are difficult and require a sacrifice. This could be giving up an emotional or physical source of comfort. I’m talking about oatmeal.
Some writers like chocolate. If that’s you, you are also welcome here. Chocolate and oatmeal go wonderfully together. Other writers like peanut butter and almond butter. I’m talking about myself. Obviously, I enjoy this with my oatmeal.
The title promises information and action steps on how to stop stress-eating oatmeal. The subtitle is generic and designed to pique your interest.
I just googled ‘pique’ to make sure I was using the word right, and the first result was Gerard Pique Bernabeu, a Spanish footballer. This is unrelated to the rest of the article. I just think the internet is wild.
You know what else is wild?
Sorry. Okay. Here it comes.
A Listicle with Vague Advice for You to Skim Through:
‘Listicle’ sound like ‘popsicle.’ But this list is about oatmeal.
- Oatmeal is delicious and comforting. I just want to make sure we are still on the same page. Also, articles that are simple and repetitive do well online. Readers like to be told what they already know. You know oatmeal is great. I got you.
- Are you stressed? You are stressed. I know this too. I was just phrasing it as a question to keep you engaged. Of course you are stressed. I’m stressed, we are all stressed. And anxious. I grew up in Boston, where everyone is very anxious and neurotic. I mean, at least my family is for sure. I live in Tel Aviv now, so I wear beach clothes and smoke weed, but I’m still anxious and neurotic on the inside.
- Writing on the internet can be fun when you don’t give a shit. Excuse my language. I do give a sh*t. (Does the asterisk make it better?) I still haven’t given you any practical advice. But let’s be real, if you are reading this you aren’t looking for practical advice. I know this about you, too.
- Okay, here is some advice: Stop reading this. Or finish reading this, and then turn off your computer. Step away from the screen. Have you seen the sky today? Stand up, and stretch. Arms up, swing them around. Bump your hips side to side. Breath in big, deep into the belly.
- Put on some music. Like 90s pop or old rock. Make funny faces. Pretend you are famous. Pretend you are a famous Spanish footballer who is fantastically in shape. Pretend you are a famous Spanish footballer who is singing to 90s pop in the shower. Strum an air guitar. Caress an imaginary football. Admire yourself in the mirror.
- Go to the kitchen. And enjoy some damn oatmeal. It’s delicious and comforting, and much gentler than Ecstacy. I recommend adding some salt and cinnamon and nuts. Or berries. Plus the chocolate, and nut butters. I had mine with some spoonfuls of hummus this morning, because I live in Tel Aviv.
- And that is how you make 10k in 10 days online! Follow me for more tips on living your best life.
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