Learning to win arguments without participating in it
Uncovering Paradox behind Arguing
Have you ever fell into a trap of arguing with others for no/petty reasons? If yes, you are in the right place.
Most disagreements start small. Though meaningless, it always turns into something big. As soon as someone triggers our insecurities, we unleash madness on them. Suddenly we are in a ring throwing vocal punches at each other.
It almost seems like we treat every argument as a game where the desired result is always to — win. It’s funny how we put everything on stake just to win an argument on who misplaced the remote.
The moment a spark plugs, we fight like gladiators — arguing, accusing, abusing, and demeaning each other. At the end of it all, one stands tall, leaving the rest to perish. Now that’s a smart approach if life were a game, but it isn’t now, is it?
Life was never a zero-sum game. At most, life is a spectrum where there’s no binary. In the game of Life, the longer you chase victory, further you find yourself from it.
Let’s suppose you win an argument with your partner. This will only make your partner more furious and more eager to win the next one. So the victory is merely momentary, because you are just moments away from being knocked out.
When someone accuses us of wrongdoing, we instantly try to look for their flaws, completely disregarding our own. Yes, it's inaccurate and flawed but yet our brain uses it as a defence mechanism to protect ourselves from our imperfections.
Ironically, exactly the opposite happens, we end up mirroring each other and start exposing our flaws. We may enter the arena fully prepared, identifying their flaws. But we may not acknowledge that they do the same. The only reason we fight is because we hate what we see.
What may look like a simple argument turns into a carnage. To hide from our flaws we fight, but in actuality all we hear are our flaws. It’s a painful paradox we live in.
If arguing were a boxing match, with every punch you land on the opponent you end up getting hit with the same force, after all we are aiming at oursleves.
Getting out of the Paradox
We live in a world where there is no right or wrong. Societal norms label the right and wrong to maintain balance, stability and socio-economic wellbeing. However, by conditioning, we take this concept way too seriously and use it in our everyday lives.
All our lives we make rules and regulations for what’s right and wrong. To be perfect, we look for perfection.
It all starts when we have our first fight. When someone identifies our flaws, we try to project theirs to protect ourselves from embarrassment. And so the fighting starts. The first fight becomes the trigger for the next one. It begins as an unconscious automatic process. The more fights you win, more your partner waits in agony to get back the next one. It is a never-ending process. Before you know it, you are living in the colosseum.
Let me get it straight: No one wishes to be in this position, but we unconsciously trap ourselves in it. The trigger sets a habit we can’t get out of. The habit of arguing slowly consumes us before we know it.
When you try to introspect the before and aftermath of fights, you realize that there’s no point. Whether you win or lose, you end up wasting your time and energy. All for what? A brief sense of satisfaction that gushes dopamine through your brain. A short-term relief that breaks relationships for momentary benefit.
So if we really want to get out of this vicious cycle, we must acknowledge the repercussions of these arguments.
When we fight with people, we spend so much time finding their flaws that we cannot acknowledge their beauty. Most of us can spend hours in arguing but can only spare a few minutes for complementing each other. The hours compound into days and eventually it turns into hatred. At the end of it all even a thousand “I LOVE YOU’S” can’t hide the scars.
Yes, the world is bitter; it is not fair, and it is definitely not what you saw in movies. But that’s not a reason to project our anger on others. The way we perceive the world is our approach to life.
When the times are hard, all you need is a new perspective. Find the beauty in the little things. Life’s full of these brief moments and pockets of happiness. We just don’t acknowledge them. At the end of it all, these little moments compound and define us, not the money, knowledge, and fame we have created.
So before we lose our sense of humanity and fight like barbarians, ask yourself, is our life only worth a couple of momentary victories or is it something bigger.
The best way to win any argument is by not taking taking part in it.
Let’s be honest here. We all want to win. Funny thing is that if we don’t take part, we both can leave as winners. Sometimes all it takes is for someone to compromise. There’s no other secret. This is all it takes to stop the vicious cycle.
The first step to achieve an argument free life is — accept your flaws. By introspection, we realize — we are just imperfect human beings flawed by nature and that’s what makes us unique. In accepting our flaws, we become more tolerant of others' flaws.
You may think it’s not possible, but just try it. Next time someone accuses you for being lazy. Take a moment to breathe in. Exhale. And just say alright.
The shock you see on their face will surely be one of those little things that will make you happy.
