I want more.
As I sit here writing the first blog post I’ve written in months, my heart is in shambles.
If I’m being honest with myself, my relationship was over a long time ago.
I held on because I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I held on because I wanted to show him what real love was. Because I knew he loved me and something was better than nothing. Because all of the loss I’ve experienced makes it difficult to process even more loss. I held on because my I didn’t want to take the bandaid off my abandonment wound.
I held on because I wanted it to work. So, so badly. But it wasn’t working. You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole.
I won’t go into the toxicity that I experienced. I won’t say he is a bad person — because he isn’t. We are all broken, but some of us are stronger and more resilient than others. Some of us are more emotionally mature than others. And you can love someone with all of your heart… but you can’t fix them.
I’ve known for a long time that I deserved better than what I was getting. I tried to teach him what love is. I tried to bring the best out of him, but at the end of the day he didn’t have the capacity to find it in himself… and albeit extremely painful, it really has nothing to do with me.
So I set the boundary. And then I fell back. I set the boundary again. And I couldn’t help but fall back into his arms… again.
But I knew what I needed to do, and now that the time is here and he is also finally accepting that maybe it just isn’t working — the end is really real this time. And so is the ache in my chest.
I can’t eat, sleep, or breathe. The pain is starting to manifest in physical ways. But in my heart of hearts, even though I never wanted it to happen like this, I know it’s for the best.
I deserve the kind of love that makes me feel safe, secure, happy… seen. I deserve stupid chocolates and flowers on Valentine’s Day. Someone who my friends and family love. I deserve to be chosen. To be understood. Someone who apoligizes when wrong and wants better for themself and the relationship. I deserve a soulmate and a best friend. And I was settling for crumbs.
He is my drug. And I was (am?) emotionally addicted to the inconsistent pattern of his love.
And while it feels like I’m dying inside, this experience has also awakened me to something I wasn’t expecting: I want more.
I want more for myself. I want more for my heart. I want more for my career. For my health. For my mental well-being. For my passions. For my life. I want more.
This is shaking me… and maybe it’s a shake I didn’t know I needed.
You teach people how to treat you by the way you treat yourself. By the boundaries you set. By the actions you take and the words you speak.
If I truly want more, if I truly want better for myself, I have to do it. I have to put it into The Universe. If I want a different outcome, I have to do something differently. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
And sometimes losing yourself is a chance to rebuild yourself. The cliches are true for a reason.
So as I sit here shaking, crying, and on my second glass of wine… I know there is nothing I can do but feel. Wait. Cry. Try. Push. Miss him. Have grace with myself. And wait some more.
Because it’s going to hurt until it doesn’t anymore. And the only way to go from down here… is up.
