An Unexpected Sacrifice of Motherhood
Learning how to juggle new challenges with old dreams
When I quit my career four years ago to move to London from Los Angeles and study for a master’s, I assumed I would be back in a year picking up where I left off. Or better yet, picking up in a better place than where I left off with a new degree in hand to boast. Never did I imagine what would follow.
I was a breaking news journalist, grinding through long hours, on call 24 hours a day and churning out stories faster than I could process them. Having a more meaningful relationship with my work was important to me. I wanted the ability to add further context to what I was covering and to cover more stories on a national and global level. Despite not being 100% fulfilled, I enjoyed my work. As well, I loved my employer. But my need to grow professionally and individually was stronger than my desire to stay.
Neither of my parents attended college and education was not a focus in our household. I probably would have been more respected by some of my family if I took a low-paying job out of high school rather than go to college. In fact, when I mentioned to my mother I was going to grad school, her response was, “Why would you do this to yourself? You have a good job. Why would you throw away your life like this?” The answer to her question was that I needed to prove to myself I could do this. I could be more than what my parents were. I set my mind on how things were going to be and there was nothing that was going to stop me.
I moved to London, started school and loved every moment of that first year. I became enveloped in literature and scholarly discourse. Local city issues were no longer my focus and suddenly my world became a lot bigger, reading and writing about the international stage of politics and war. It was everything I had hoped it would be.
The day after I turned in my dissertation, I moved out of my country-living dorm and moved into a city flat with my then fiance. We met during our grad program. London was exciting. It offered access to the world like I had never experienced before. The possibility of working there would have been a dream come true. I took the first job offer I received and started working at a global public relations firm. Sadly, this was not the dream I was hoping for. Almost immediately, I knew it wasn’t the right fit and left after a short six-month stint.
Yet, my ambition grew even bigger. I got excited again about the possibility of finding the role I had been trying to cultivate the last year with this new degree. In need of little R & R, my now husband and I took a two-week vacation drinking red-wine through Italy. We returned, ready to take on the world.
As fate would have it, I fell pregnant almost immediately. Morning sickness hit me like a speeding train. If I wasn’t throwing up, I was sipping ginger tea or bubbly water trying not to get sick. A blood clot caused me to hemorrhage almost daily and threatened the pregnancy. I became bedridden and nowhere near tackling the world. Instead, I stayed in my pajamas for months, too scared to move with a trash bin by my side.
Enter month 5 of my pregnancy and things looked up. I freelanced teaching English online. It would be near to impossible to find an office job with a big belly full of baby, so this was a comparable solution. It felt good to contribute to our family income. As soon as the baby came, I would take a few months off and then work as soon as possible. I did not want to lose the momentum of building a career, leaving a sizeable gap in my resume.
I never made it to the coveted 9 month mark. At 31 weeks pregnant, I went into preterm labor. My son was born at 32 weeks, two months early. Doctors swiftly took him to the NICU. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I learned how to care for a newborn who was also a patient.
Things did not go back to normal for some time. Because of his prematurity and extra medical needs post discharge, I stayed home to focus solely on him. Yet, I remained hopeful I could work again, and soon. I waited to get the all clear from the medical staff, to hear he healed from the trauma of his birth.
It has now been 20 months since his birth. I am still not working. As of last week, I’ve attended 76 appointments with our toddler since the beginning of this year. With every appointment, I am still waiting to hear things are OK. My husband and I agreed it would be to the benefit of our son if I continued to stay home to help him through this time in his life.
How could I think about work now? Would it be selfish to do so?
I try to focus on a saying my mother-in-law told me when our son was first born. “Now is the season to be a mother. This is just a season and soon other seasons will follow. But for now, it is the time to be a mother.” This short, meaningful statement has carried me through so much of my postpartum journey.
I continue to hold on to this dream of going back to work. It has changed in some ways. I no longer want to do this for myself, but for my son, too. I want him to see his mother do all the things she imagined doing, do all the things she worked so hard to achieve.
My son’s last hospital stay resulted in a good prognosis. For the first time in nearly two years, we have good news. For the first time in two years, he won’t need to go back to the hospital or meet with a specialist for months. One of the first thoughts that came to mind after the “Oh my God, thank God he is going to be OK,” moment was, I can work again.
I look back at these last two years and realize how little my master’s degree now means to my life today. Never did I imagine that when I gave up my career, it would be years before I went back to work. Never did I imagine when I left for grad school, I would return home with a degree, husband and baby. I now understand the sacrifices my parents had to make in order to give us a better life, a better life than what they had.
No matter what I’ve done to change my future, I need to be ready for what is coming instead of deciding how things are going to be. Now, as I approach this new season, where motherhood and work can coexist, I look forward to the future with an open mind.
