Our Only Savior
A sinner’s solace through God.
I huffed and sat down on the bed. I had had enough of everything. I scowled and pushed the pillows aside. Pulling a cigarette from my pocket, I lit it up. Thankfully, my room was on the second floor. My utterly religious mother wouldn’t approve of my habit.
A groan escaped my lips as the relief hit me. Is this what heaven feels like? If only one existed. Atheists like me don’t believe in the overly creative hokum of heaven and hell. I took in another drag. This time it choked me but any form of pain was now welcome.
A tear rolled down my cheek as the consequences of my evil actions flashed in front of my eyes. In no time, I was clutching my pillow and wailing. Oh, the pain! Soon enough the beast would eat me alive if I hadn’t already killed myself.
Oh, mother! What have I done? What had made me gamble away everything for momentary pleasure is still a mystery to me. In my mother’s language, I had sold my soul to Iblis — the devil who disobeyed her God.
I reached the depths of my pocket and found a few strong pills — my only solution. A little smile perched across my lips. I rolled the powder into a paper and looked around the room one last time. It was difficult to say goodbye but it ached deeply to stay alive.
My room reeked as it burned. Oh, no! What was worse than dying? Getting caught by your religious mother!
I stubbed the bud against the wall and packed a bag with enough pills, a water bottle, and a pullover. I tiptoed out of the house and looked at my mother one last time. She was too busy to notice me, thanks to our cat. The little jerk always gets her attention.
I instantly ran to the field a few roads away. I pulled a few pills out to make a potion. This time the decision was to drink them. How does it matter for a person who just wanted death? I threw the pills inside the bottle and stared at them till they dissolved. Yes, my alchemy of death would soon be brewed.
I grinned with fleeting pain. I had befriended the feeling. Maybe, I had fallen into the traps of Iblis? I scolded myself for believing in that nonsense.
I shook the bottle as if it would help dissolve the pills faster. Why wasn’t it happening?
Around me, a few cheerful kids were playing Cricket. They shouldn’t witness the death of a desperate and selfish man so I walked away.
I ran for five minutes straight and collapsed on the pavement. There was not a living soul on the street. That’s odd. It was only half-past six. It was considered to be a rush hour in my busy little town. But I was miles away from home. One glance at the name of the street and I understood where I was. Religious people are weird! They must be at home doing things a book asks them to do. I scoffed but I felt penalized. If only I had followed what that book had said! Could I have avoided brewing poison inside a bottle?
The pills were still in the same rock-solid form as they originally were. I scowled and placed the bottle next to me. I bawled and shrieked as an image of my family flashed in front of me. Why had I done it? Why had I taken such a grave step? Had I no shame? There was no end to the guilt. And the pain was unbearable. Imagine being stabbed a million times. That’s how painful it was. I squeaked curses at myself as my body trembled.
A man far away shouted, ‘Praise be to God.’
God? God! I shrieked again. All my life, I had avoided him. Right now, amidst the dirt, he was probably my only hope. I wiped the tears away and closed my eyes. I raised my hands like my mother always does and cleared my head.
God, if you really exist, I am sorry for the mistakes I have done. At this moment, I’m at my lowest. I have the pills right here, next to me. God, if you can hear me, please guide me.
In a few minutes, a chatter and ramble broke out. People had just finished their prayer and they were walking out of the prayer hall. They seemed happy, content, and satisfied. Those were the feelings I had never experienced. I winced as somebody touched my shoulder. Turning around, I found a little boy smiling at me. A weak smile appeared across my lips. For some reason, I felt he could read my emotions. He simply handed me a book and walked away before I could retort.
Had God really answered my prayer?
I opened it. My mother used to read to me when I was a kid. She called it the Holy Guidance. I never believed in it. I flipped through the pages reluctantly. My mind was ajar now. I was torn between death and life. Maybe Iblis was frowning. Had his brilliant plans failed?
A handwritten note was placed between the pages and I decided to open it.
God is bigger than your past, your fears, your anxiety, your pain and this world.
And at that moment, I found freedom, and love — the kind that helped me forgive myself.
Going down on my knees, I thanked him. Praise be to God!
All my life, I had lived in darkness and this little boy showed me the path to light. I opened my eyes and saw the sunset. Basking in it, I glorified the almighty.
I threw the bottle away and safely disposed of all the drugs I had in my bag. I promised God that I’d never touch it and decided to make an honest and modest living.
I ran back home with tears still dancing wild in my eyes. But this time, they were happy tears.
‘Mother!’ I shouted in glee, ‘You were right. God is our only saviour.’
