She Told me Not to Clean my Mother’s Comb
Rosalyn Carter: There are only four kinds of people in the world. Those who have been caregivers. Those who are currently caregivers. Those who will be caregivers, and those who will need a caregiver.
When my friend called and asked what I was doing, I said, “I am cleaning my mom’s comb”. She asked me why I was doing it and I said, simply because mom asked me to.
She gave me a piece of counsel that made me think. My mother is 92 now! She lives with me and is active compared to many at that age.
Now coming to cleaning the comb, my friend told me that we as children (read as caregivers), tend to pamper the old when it may not be required. For example, cleaning the comb. She reminded me that it is a simple task that just needs, maybe a toothbrush to dust off the accumulated dirt, a wash with warm water whilst she’s (mom) having her shower; by and large, a simple exercise, which she can surely do on her own.
This set me thinking, what else can I ‘not do’ for her? How can I stop pampering her?
I think many caregivers will agree with me that knowingly or unknowingly, we do things for the elderly, which can be detrimental to their health.
Why do we do it? It makes them happy and, in their happiness, we feel a sense of joy too.
I think it is time to step back and think.
What are the simple everyday jobs they can do by themselves?
They may be exercising some weak muscle, won’t they? A simple act of brushing their hair, or reaching out to something with a small stretch?
Can they stand for a few seconds without our help?
Does she wish to apply a dash of lipstick?
Can they use the spoon to have a meal (let them drop stuff, don’t worry)?
There are plenty of things they can well manage. Allow them to do it.
It would be a good practice for us as caregivers to think before we jump up to help them, and may just allow them to feel better. I am not being cruel, of course, we are there to supervise and keep an eye on them, but there must be the ‘let them handle this’ thought before jumping up to help.
Caregiving is not easy. For those who just drop by for a cup of tea with the aging — it can be a happy and lovely time spent. Not so with those who have to be with them almost all the time.
Alongside taking care of such elderly, I have to say I have evolved and still am, given that my mother is aging and only becoming more demanding.
Harold Kushner: Caring about others, running the risk of feeling, and leaving an impact on people, brings happiness.
Responsibilities increase and so do the complexities of the role I am playing. Studies indicate that caregivers can experience negative psychological effects, to which I completely agree.
At times, I am frustrated but then I tell myself this is what I may turn out to be sooner than I think.
This is what I term as ‘evolution’ — an acceptance that things will only get worse. She will grow older and so will I, along with her. At times her expectations are so high that when she asks me to do a certain thing for her, I almost freeze? Seriously? Are you asking me to do this….? But who else can she ask?
This, for me, is progression and I am prepared to do what it takes to do the best I can. There are several levels of caregiving, but for now, I am happy I can manage the challenges that are before me. I will cross the wider bridges when I get there.
Les Brown: Be determined to handle any challenge in a way that will make you grow.
