“Take Yourself Out Of It”
An AM Lesson
Well…love the photo. Calm, peaceful, and quiet. It has the aura of serenity with a taste of thoughtfulness. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the morning I experienced. I knew it was coming. It didn’t mean that I wasn’t perplexed when it happened.
It was about an hour conversation. My takeaway from it was: second chances don’t guarantee better outcomes. That person said and did it! Again! I shouldn’t be perplexed. Yet, I was…
As usual, I shared this conversation with my partner of life. He doesn’t listen well, meaning: he will interrupt. His mindset isn’t about conversing. It is about solving. Yet, despite all of those, he is good at listening between the lines at times. He can point out a new perspective, and often, it isn’t the one I would like to hear, yet it is the one I need to hear.
In the middle of me sharing, he interrupted and said, “Take yourself out of it!” I stopped. Frowning. But, I found nothing to say. I looked down. He looked at me, “I am sorry. Did I interrupt? Did I say something?” Trust me! In my mind, which represented my ego, I was going to say, “You’re such an insensitive prick! Why couldn’t you wait? Why couldn’t you listen, not saying anything? Why couldn’t you see that I was being treated unfairly?”
However, my heart, which represented the part of me that takes care of my well-being, said, “He nailed it! He is right!” He looked at me, and I looked at him. Nodding. “Point taken. It makes sense. I need to take myself out of it. It is hard, though!” He said, “I know. But you’re not a part of it. You put yourself in it. That’s why you feel like this. If you put yourself in it, you can take yourself out of it.”
A small detail of my AM, yet a lesson that’s worth a lifetime.
Maybe, just maybe:
“You may not be able to control every situation and its outcome but you can control your attitude and how you deal with it.” ( anonymous)
We will fear less if we don’t attach “my” to effort, results, life. We don’t see the failures and mistakes as ours. The fear of failure or mistakes is lessened. We are taking ourselves out from the results. Yes! We are the subjects who did the acts. However, we are willing to acknowledge that plenty of factors could contribute to the gaps between effort and results. So, no guarantee. Instead of directly relating effort to results, we are willing to note and identify the gaps; when we recognize those gaps, we learn to detach ourselves from the results. Detaching from the results means: we will give our 100% effort and acknowledge our limitations simultaneously.
We can control our actions; we can’t control the outcome. For example, I said this to my students: you could prepare for a test for hours and feel good about it; it doesn’t mean that an “A” is a guarantee. When you study for hours, all you do is lessen the gap between an “A” and a “B.” You are not guaranteeing an “A. Then, we discuss the gaps that could occur beyond their control, such as complex or unpredictable questions, forgetting to memorize one or two little facts, not managing time properly due to spending time on unexpected questions, etc. Identifying the gaps does not give them an excuse not to study. It gives them the ability to learn to detach their efforts from the outcome. Why? It is for them not to feel discouraged or to feel that they are not good at the subject they’re studying. It is for them to combat the fear of mistakes and failures. This method is especially beneficial for middle and high school students. Those are the age groups where the journey of finding self-identity and the feeling to break apart from the labeled identity is happening. This is an excellent start to build solid self-confidence by separating preparations and outcomes.
- Note: for this article, Not attaching the possessive pronoun “my” = Taking myself out of it.
“Take advantage of every opportunity to practice your communication skills so that when important occasions arise, you will have the gift, the style, the sharpness, the clarity, and the emotions to affect other people.” (Jim Rohn)
We will communicate with clarity if we take ourselves out of it. When we communicate, often, we forget that we are speaking about our thoughts to another person. Regardless of how close our relationship is, the person does not own the thoughts. We do. Hence, we need to take ourselves out of the ownership of our thoughts to communicate clearly to the recipient. When we share our thoughts, taking ourselves out of the equation and focusing on the recipient, we will look for proper vocabulary, words, sentence structures, an organization that fits the recipient’s frame of mind. We will pay attention to the recipient’s body language, facial expressions, small gestures; those could contribute to their readiness to receive the message. When we do this, the message we want to communicate will most likely be heard. Fewer misunderstandings and less room for interpretations.
To communicate effectively, we need to consider the recipients’ feelings, emotional readiness, perspectives, and where they are in their lives. For example, a five-year-old wants to go to a playground; mom is busy. I am presenting two different scenarios. The first mom says, “I’m sorry I’m busy. We can’t go.” The second mom says, “ I know you really want to go to the playground. Can we go in the afternoon? I have to be on a conference call now. I appreciate it if you could wait until the afternoon, then we’ll go, and I’ll play with you.” The same message: I can’t go now. Different ways to deliver the message. Which one do you think would be heard better? The first mom delivers the message for herself; she doesn’t consider the child. The second mom delivers the message for her and the child. She brings the child’s concerns in the communication, identifies her concern, and provides an alternative. She takes herself out of the equation, brings the recipient in it, and offers a beneficial option.
“It is impossible not to have our inclinations and feelings somehow involved in what we think. Rational people are aware of this and through introspections and effort are able, to some extent, to subtract emotions from their thinking and counteract their effect. Irrational people have no such awareness. They rush into action without carefully considering the ramifications and consequences.” ( Robert Greene)
We will be more kind to others and ourselves if we take ourselves out of it. Kindness, in this article, is defined as introspection, consideration, and empathy. When we focus on ourselves, we tend to forget that others aren’t us and simultaneously have perspectives, thoughts, opinions, and, broadly, “life” on their own. We often asked, “How come?” or, we said, “You should know…” or, “ You could’ve, or should’ve, or would’ve….” Those are a few, amongst other ways, to express our assumptions to others. Those could also be indicators of our need to reevaluate our thoughts, perspectives, opinions, or the notion of “life.” We forget to consider others, to empathize with them. Most times, our assumptions remain assumptions. We could feel close to another person; it doesn’t mean we live in their minds and emotions. It doesn’t mean we understand why they see us the way they see us. To check in with the other person is a kindness we do, both to the person and ourselves.
We won’t assume when we empathize and consider others. There were times I said, “You should’ve known me!” and I paused because I realized that I wasn’t true with myself. Then, I did an introspection. As contradictory as it sounds, we need to take ourselves out of the equation for us to introspect. We need to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. When I said, “You should’ve known me!” it was out of a defensive mood, out of denying the fact that something needed to be addressed or said. In other words, I brushed off the other person’s kindness to consider and empathize with me. I wasn’t ready. I needed to acknowledge it. We need to be mindful: do we offer kindness to others by taking ourselves out of the reactions or the situations? Do we deny others’ kindness because we are not ready? When that happens, should we introspect and take the opportunity to get to know ourselves from others’ lens?
“Take yourself out of it” — we will manage our fear better because we don’t attach outcomes to our efforts; we will communicate through others’ lens for our message to be heard; and, we will be brave to introspect, be more considerate, be open to empathize with others.
Maybe, by doing so, we will be less inclined to carry others’ baggage on our shoulders.
Lastly… “take yourself out of it” is not necessarily “ don’t take it personally.”…this topic is for another time!
Thoughts to ponder within me: had we been more careful in identifying this life as “my life,” would the quality of our lives be better? Does our decision to attach “my” — possessive pronoun — to the word life create unnecessary complexities? Do we attach the possessive pronoun-my- to “life” due to our ego? Is it because we need to own it? Do we feel entitled? That’s why we say “ my life” rather than “life?” We don’t “own” life — we can’t own something that we have no control over the starting and ending points.
Hmmm…
Encouragements from other Medium writers:
Louis Sigaud on “9 Quotes From ‘The Lord Of The Rings’ That Will Give You Joy” — in particular, this line “ In our lives, even within topics that we consider ourselves expert in, we should always recognize that there is still room for us to grow.” ( I relate this to introspections)
Randy Salars on “5 Quotes from Victor Frankl That Will Change Your Life” — “Victor believed that when we learn from our difficult times, we’re not faced with difficult situations; instead, it becomes “ an opportunity.”” ( We could only learn when we decide to take ourselves out of the situation)
I can’t mention all of them…there would be many more…
