The Fall
My head was spinning. Legs shaking. My whole body, trembling. Clearly, I wasn’t ready and probably never would be.
From the top of the tank above my apartment, I was looking down. I have always feared heights, but have been this close to the edge only once before. A small step forward, and I would take the plunge. That was precisely why I had come up here in the first place, but I could not bring myself to do it. The feeling was too palpable.
I looked up at the cloudy night sky, dimly lit by the moon. It soothed me. Slowly, I turned around.
She stood there watching me. Just as she had done so for the past month. Those sad eyes of hers reflected my guilt. The pain returned. I knew I had to do it. It was what I deserved. It was what she deserved.
She slowly walked toward me. Her each step, took me closer to the edge. When she was just an arm away, I let myself fall. I had defeated one fear of mine with another.
I could see her outstretched hand reaching out to me. I wanted to grab it, but I knew I couldn’t.
Suddenly, the past came back to me and time seemed to slow down. All my memories of her started to flash before me. Admiration and passion had turned into regret and resentment. How much I wished to change the past.
The first time I saw her, I fell in love. I chased after her until she couldn’t resist anymore. We were living a beautiful dream…from which I woke up, and started walking away. I let her chase me and when she wouldn’t let go, I pushed her away.
Now her hand seemed far away, but I felt closer to her. All this time, I had been falling, but now I fell. Hard. For a moment, the pain was so excruciating that I felt like dying. And I did.
I grabbed onto her hand, and she lifted me up and pulled me into her embrace. I cried like never before. Not because it was redemption, but atonement.
I slowly withdrew from her. I had to face the truth, and my fear again. As I struggled to gather up the courage, she offered her hand and I took it. Together, we stood at the edge, holding hands, looking down. I could see myself bathed in red, lying motionlessly, staring at me. It was unsightly, painful, and inescapable. Truth always is. I had stood here alone, a month ago, looking down at her, where I now lay. And since then, though I had faked innocence, I knew I wasn’t and she continually reminded me that.
I broke down, fell to my knees. I wanted to jump again. I was looking at myself, trying to look away at the same time. She then held my face. It seemed very long ago since I had had seen her smile. It was reassuring as always. She moved closer and kissed me. It felt so warm that I no longer felt I was dead. It was what I needed, and she gave it to me. I was forgiven.
Though I wanted it to stay this way, I knew it wasn’t going to be, as the warmth slowly faded away. I opened my eyes. I was alone. I looked down and realized I had nowhere to return to. Forgiveness can be very unforgiving.
