The Tyranny of Plain Bagel Names
Don’t need ‘em
Gibble the Gozzlebustin Goblin.
Timerus the Tiberian Troll.
St. Sasha, of the Law and Order.
Took two seconds to slap these names together. So why do I spend so much time agonizing over the names of main characters?
Of the bland potatoes wreaking havoc on my story’s mellifluous style?
Of Jack Smith and Jim Smith and Sarah Smith and Tammy Smith, who exist because I decided (in my infinite wisdom) that MC names must be relatable and therefore boring?
Gods damn it, Cole.
Frickin plain bagel names. I’m getting rid of them. They’re time tyrants.
If you spend ten minutes agonizing over a name. If you get stressed and tired/bored coming up with the MC fodder. Do yourself a favor and pick up a fantasy name generator. Save yourself the agony.
Or, start with the names of side characters.
If you’re like me, coming up with side-character names is easy. It’s a blast. Who cares what they’re called? They barely exist. That one is Timmy Timeblaster, because he carries around a ray gun big enough to blast you to the past. This one is Shawnee Shoemaker, who tans a mean boot. Etcetera.
Take a walk. Reflect on how Timmy the Timeblaster is a helluva lot more interesting than Ron, the Guy Who Plays Piano Sometimes. Proceed to fire Ron and hire Timmy to play the main character. You’re the almighty writer god, so you can do that.
Boom. Bammo. Timmy Timebuster. Now that’s an interesting main character.
Away with plain-bagel names! Turn them into magic bagels. With any luck, your overworked brain cells will thank you.
The magic bagel, though less immediately palatable (and possibly hallucination-inducing), is much more memorable than its plain cousin. That’s what matters most.
Are your characters worth remembering?
Happy naming.
