Life
When to Know It’s Time to Let Go: How to Move On and Avoid Emotional Traps
Quitting is a tough decision
Deciding to give up on something we have deeply invested in is one of the hardest things to do.
Who wants to face the fact that they have failed in their endeavor, relationship, job, etc.?
Not me.
I held tightly to my academic career until it slipped out of my hands.
The things-will-get-better illusion
I spent 11 years of my life enrolled in a University.
In the beginning, I had no idea what I wanted to do, but when I started my Ph.D., I dreamed of being a scientific researcher. And a couple of years into it, I did not conceive any other career path.
Then I started to lose motivation.
I disliked many things about academia and how scientific research and publication work. And I started feeling my work wasn’t relevant, that I was doing it only for the sake of publishing and earning my diploma.
Perhaps, I should have given up and started to look into alternative career paths.
But I wasn’t ready to face the shame of giving up on my studies.
So I kept pushing.
When I finish this, I’ll have access to more interesting post-doc projects, I said to myself.
But I was wrong.
The Sunk Cost Effect
I first read about this in Daniel Kahneman’s Thinking, Fast and Slow, in the context of economic decision-making.
But the term comes from another psychologist — Richard Thaler.
In a 1980 paper about consumer choice, Thaler hypothesized that if you pay for a product or service, you will use it more often. And he called his hypothesis the ‘sunk cost effect.’
And in a 1985 paper, Hal R. Arkes and Catherine Blumer give the term its current meaning. It stands for people’s irrational tendency to go through with a project they have invested in when it is already clear they are better off leaving it.
The rational way to decide whether to invest more money, time, or effort into something is by considering our future profit, not our past investment.
But we just can’t do it. We keep a mental record of it.
It is what Kahneman calls mental accounting.
In his book, he uses this example by Thaler to illustrate how mental accounting affects our choices:
Two avid sports fans plan to travel 40 miles to see a basketball game. One of them paid for his ticket; the other was on his way to purchase a ticket when he got one free from a friend. A blizzard is announced for the night of the game. Which of the two ticket holders is more likely to brave the blizzard to see the game?
Both fans will be disappointed.
But the disappointment is double for the one who paid for the tickets because he’d miss the game and the money. So, he’d be more likely to risk driving in a snowstorm.
As they say, in for a penny, in for a pound.
When we invest ourselves in something, we create an emotional attachment. And our emotions influence our decisions. The greater our previous investment — be it money, time, effort, energy, or emotions — the harder it is to let go.
And this is true for a product or service, a personal project, a career goal, a relationship, etc.
So, how can we avoid falling into this sunk cost fallacy?
The Signs to Look For
Wondering whether you should persist or let go is, in itself, a red flag.
But to be sure, put aside all your previous investments. Just for a second.
Now, consider only your present situation and future prospect — what do these look like?
Be honest with yourself.
How do you feel about this relationship/career/project?
a) Dissatisfied. It causes you stress and keeps you unhappy and unfulfilled.
b) Defeated. You put a lot of work into it but see no improvement.
c) Ill. It draws your physical and mental well-being.
d) All of the above.
If you feel this way, it is time to rethink your goals and priorities.
Maybe you are still highly motivated to continue your endeavor, but your efforts are no longer producing results. It can be a problem with your strategy. What can you change in your approach?
Maybe you lost your motivation along the way — or you were never much motivated in the first place. Are you doing it for yourself or for someone else? And at what cost?
It is OK to let go of something if it isn’t making you any good. Giving up opens room for new opportunities that will bring you joy.
Our values change throughout our lives, and so do our goals and perspectives. And only by letting go of projects that do not make sense in our lives anymore can we pursue new objectives and grow.
It isn’t easy, I know.
You have to take time and evaluate your options.
As Kahneman suggests, ask yourself, ‘Would I still drive into this snowstorm if I had gotten the ticket free from a friend?’
Would you go through with your project / continue in that relationship / pursue that career if you hadn’t put so much investment into it before?
How I Eventually Left
I did not quit my Ph.D., and I do not regret it.
But finishing it took me an extra year — a painful one.
I worked an almost full-time job that put a toll on my body while trying to get ahead with a thesis that sucked the life out of me.
Though I am proud of my thesis, I finished it at the expense of my physical, mental, and emotional well-being. I skipped my hobbies, hangouts with friends, and time with my partner; maybe I even had burnout.
And after I finished, I did not find the interesting post-docs I expected.
I had thought of giving up a few times before that last crazy year. But I would dismiss it every time — I was deep into the mindset that giving up is for losers, and I had to finish what I had started.
And I never gave myself permission to look for alternative career choices.
It is something that is not spoken of in academia. And I am not the only one who got through this — the other day, I found an ex-researcher talking about how he failed in academia on a YouTube video.
I wish I could say I gave up my academic career, but the truth is that my academic career dumped me.
And I wish I could say I won’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy again, but I cannot promise that.
Time will tell.
