Why Do Friendship Breakups Happen?
Breakups are not limited to only romantic relationships. Just like a romantic relationship, friendships are equally influential in our lives. You’ve known them for a long time. You probably grew up together. Usually, there’s no agenda behind a friendship and you’re in it for the long run. Friends are there in the different phases of our lives, they are there to support us and fond memories are created with them. As a matter of fact, we need them more than we think we do. Let’s also not forget that many friendships outlast romantic relationships.
Friendship breakups are just as uncomfortable and sad as romantic ones. To some, it could be no big deal, but they could potentially be worse than a romantic breakup. It hurts, that’s the truth.
So, with hopes of learning from our past experiences, here are four examples that may contribute to a friendship breakup:
1. Quality over quantity
Regardless of the time invested, the quality of a friendship varies from person to person. Now, there are various reasons why the quality of a friendship deteriorates for someone. Oftentimes, it involves a toxic friendship. Recognizing this could help you assess if you are underappreciated and taken for granted in the friendship. More often than not, we experience a toxic friendship and choose not to end it because we’ve known them for a long time. In that case, ask yourself these questions — Do I like who I am when I’m with them? Do I feel like I can be my best self when I’m with them? Did they betray my trust? Is this a friendship I want to keep investing in?
We should not be pressured to stay in a friendship for the sake of how long we’ve known them. Even if you can’t quite put your finger on it, if the friendship is not good for you and each other, that’s enough of a reason to go your separate ways.
2. The feeling is not mutual
For most of us, a fundamental aspect of a friendship is to care for one another. The way one shows love and care may differ to another. When it is not the same, there is a possibility to misinterpret the other party. Not to mention, there may be an actual contrast in care, which would ultimately cause a friend to feel misunderstood, disrespected, minimized, and/or hurt.
“I shared this with you, I thought you would share yours too..”
“Why can’t you be there for me like how I am always there for you?”
“Why don’t you understand me?”
When the feelings and expectations are not mutual in a friendship, it could break the bond. On the other hand, a friend may overshare constantly and overwhelm the other. As much as a friend is there to provide support, words of advice and encouragement, not everyone has the capacity to perform that role consistently.
3. Commonalities and lifestyles
Typically, we build our friendships based on affiliation. The two kids in kindergarten who bonded over their love of race cars, classmates who are fans of the same Netflix series and colleagues who share a passion for cupcakes are simple examples of how common interests pave the way of friendship. Heck, I remember making friends with a stranger on a train because we were using the same backpack brand and we hit it off.
However, it is no surprise that people do change over time. We grow out of our interests and may adopt a new set of beliefs. The things that previously connected us as friends may no longer exist, or at the very least, the connection became poor.
On the other hand, we should also recognize that the context changes as well. We may bond over the love for Jazz music, but also live different lifestyles. Sometimes, these lifestyles simply do not match up to one another. We may also fail to realise that it does not mean we care for our friend any less, but perhaps it has reached the point of prioritising things that matter more.
“I’m glad we’ve had a friendship, but I don’t think we’re a good fit anymore.”
4. Out of touch
Phone calls, text messages, social media and emails exist for a reason; to stay connected. Technological advances have made it easier to maintain friendships no matter how far. Losing touch with one another does not have to be the reason why friendships end. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to adjust a face-to-face friendship to a screen-to-screen one. Sometimes, we simply need that human interaction.
This list is not exhaustive, but hopefully, it has shined a light on why our past experiences turned out that way. Friendship breakups are significant losses and will most probably happen throughout our lives as our priorities change. Friendships require accountability, respect and effort, just like any other relationship in our lives.
“Just because a friendship ended doesn’t mean you have to pretend it never existed or wipe it from your life story because you can still find it very valuable.” — Andrea Bonior
