Why Do We Stay When We Know It’s No Longer Working
Courtesy of: When in Doubt…Zulema and Odette
“Why do I do this for you town after town?” Odette asked, removing the hat from her head slowly then brushing stray hairs back.
“I don’t know. Why do you?” Zulema answered as she neared Odette, a small smile on her face.
“I’d like to say it’s the money but we both know that’s not true.”
“Yes. I could pay you more. You do place yourself in an awkward position after all.” Zulema walked past Odette without turning her head.
“Are you going to pay me more?” Odette started to walk next to Zulema.
“No. But you’re not going to stop helping me and neither are you going to demand more.”
“You take my weakness for granted. I could decide that I’m tired of the drama because it’s not drama any longer. I could leave you to find someone else.”
“Don’t say that. Who else can I find who can work a room like you?”
“You flatter me too much but I’m still mad. Don’t think you have me in your hand just yet.” Odette smiled brightly, wondering why they didn’t converse casually, as friends, more often. “Tell me why you do this.” She didn’t expect an answer, but she liked to ask.
“For you my friend, anything.” Zulema thought about it. “I like it.”
“Anything but your life and full honesty you mean.”
“Anything that is within my bounds to give.”
“And how big is your capacity to give?” Odette asked with a smirk. Zulema turned to Odette and gave her playful pinch on her side which made Odette squeal in mock protest.
“Bigger than you’d think.” Zulema feigned indignation. “I’d like to believe that all I do is give.”
“We’ve been doing this for years Zulema. I want to know why it is that you need me to tell the people that you’ve just duped, what you did. Why do I have to rile them up, shame them, set off anger and distaste, bring on timidity and…watch them realize their own stupidity?”
“I already told you what my reasoning is. I like it.”
“You like it.”
“I like it.”
“What is there to like?” Odette chortled.
“What isn’t there to like? A plan executed to perfection is well in itself but sometimes a girl needs recognition for her work.”
Odette looked at the back of Zulema’s head seriously, watching her controlled steps and steady back. “I don’t believe you.” She said and then began to walk after Zulema again.
“I don’t need you to believe me. I only need you to do what I’ve asked you to do.”
“You can’t leave me at that. Give an old friend a little bit more than that.” Odette walked in line with her friend in contemplation. Zulema’s hand came out like a snake and grabbed at Odette’s left one. Odette’s heart stalled for a second. She didn’t know whether it was from fear or the fact that Zulema touched her. For the second time in one day. But as quickly as it came, it was gone when Zulema took Odette’s hand and placed it by her lips. A slight brush of warmth touched the inside of her hand.
“Then friend, let me tell you this to subside your fears.” Odette’s face froze, her heart guilty, wondering if Zulema had sensed her earlier fear. “There are no signs of resignation where battles have not taken place. The people I send you to gather and talk to are a mixture of battle worn veterans when it comes to the world’s deceit, and novices to even the smallest of deceptions, barely able to tell friend from foe when the treachery is placed by their front doors. However, no matter where you stand, life continues to demand a portion of the winnings — otherwise known as hope. Even when empty hands bare empty lands, life makes its demands, placing strife along your path when given reason and especially when there is no discernable reason. I am not the world but one of its many pieces and you my friend are my little piece. A long time ago I decided to take a chance by placing my own players into the game. You should try it sometime. You never know when you’ll outplay the world.”
They were silent. A silence that made no attempt to assuage the mood.
“Can I tell you a little secret?” Zulema leaned into Odette.
“Sure.” Odette said warily.
“I love them.”
“Who?”
“The people I kill. I love them achingly. As I watch their stiff struggle, I love them. As I see their lives flicker off, I love them further and I can’t stop that well of compassion any more than you can control a tsunami or a hurricane.”
“How can you love them?”
“I know. I’m sounding mad, aren’t I?” She looked at Odette imploringly with calm eyes. “I love them because no one else can love them and a part of me wants to believe that it’s not their fault that they’re bad.”
“But they are. That’s exactly why you kill them. They made the choices to hurt others and you know that.”
“But they didn’t make the choice to be themselves.” Zulema’s voice was low and often came off as innocent. It rarely rang loud even when she was screaming. It was small, innocuous, with a wistful but sullen air about it.
“Does that matter?” Odette hissed with frustration.
“It’s the only thing that matters.” Zulema paused in her steps and waited for Odette to stop walking as well. Odette stopped but she did not turn around to look at Zulema.
“Look at us.” Zulema said softly. “The one true difference between you and I is fortune. I happened to be born me and you were born as you. Fortune. But it’s made a big difference in our fates.”
“Do you want my life?”
“It and many more.”
“You can have it.”
“I don’t want it if you can give it away so easily.”
“You expect me to fight for it. You think I’ve had a happy time with this life.”
“I know you’ve had a happy time and I know that if I was to truly try and take it away from you, you would plead for me to take anything else.”
“What else could I give you?”
“You’re death. You could give me the rights to how your days end.”
Zulema watched as Odette’s shoulders began to shake, then as a dark hoarse sound escaped her in waves. Laughter.
“You want me to sign away my death to you in order for me to retain ownership of my life?” Odette had to place one hand over her mouth and the other over her chest to abate her laughter.
“Of course not. Your death means little to me and your life is barely yours to claim when you think about it.”
“Thanks friend. I’m glad to know my death hold no importance to you.” Odette said sarcastically, ignoring Zulema’s comments on her lack of a hold on her own life.
“You misunderstand. I care about whether you live but gain nothing in orchestrating your death.” Zulema started walking again. “Those people did not decide to be the monsters that they were, but they decided to remain monsters and that was what I could not forgive. I hold compassion within me because I know that they’ll not have another life to know what it is to be good.”
“You’re ridiculous and I’m tired. Let’s leave the conversation here and you can tell me later on where our next town is and what you need me to do.” Odette cautiously hooked her arm in Zulema’s.
Silence. An uncomfortable silence punctured by one’s desperate attempt to quell the unease and another’s indifference allowing for one’s low throat clears and jiggling shoulders.
“Would I want your life…?” Zulema began after some time. Odette looked up, startled.
“What?” Odette said, dazed. She’d finally drifted into her own thoughts.
“You. Ha-ha. You.” Zulema placed lips next to Odette’s left ear. “The trivial was your playground and mediocrity a second skin.”
Odette attempted to pull away and Zulema moved closer.
“You spent your childhood convincing them that you were more. Your wealthy parents, your stiff-necked teachers, and the vermin you called friends.”
“Okay Zulema. There’s no need to be mean.” Odette said with her voice faltering near the end.
“Before your decision to run away from home there was a momentary infraction, a sign of dissatisfaction, from one of your victims, not your friends. Remember them, remember how you would hold and taunt, prod then divulge secrets? You were the nastiest kid of all and yet you needed approval far more than those who had less access to it. You had a hoard of people willing to plead their lives to you because of your name and your pretty face. A second where your name was not on somebody’s lips punctured your soul, didn’t it? That’s why you love your job now. You may not be the cause of the people’s suffering but you like heralding their responses and being the one that they call out to.”
“Stop it Zulema.” Odette violently shook herself free, scrambling away.
“Deny it. Deny me. But don’t deny yourself of the truth. When I was searching for one such as you, a closer inspection revealed that you were never here. You lied to the world that you existed because you believed that you did while all along there was fraudulence lined into the pockets of your synthetic limbs. The pieces that held you loosely together were but a show. Thinner than thread, thinner than dust. You were nothing, your games nothing, the validations nothing, and your prized possessions, the blue silk bow on your hat, the shiny black shoes, nothing because where would their solid presence land when pressed against air, against you?” As it was once mentioned from her own lips to the former Chewchew Esquire before his tragic death, Zulema detested deceit with every fiber of her being. Ironic considering how her delicate line of work required both duplicity and a fair amount of cunning. Nevertheless, when it came to what was not her, she liked a world and people that presented themselves for what they were.
“What?”
“That was years ago when you had fresh smiles and a glittered sheen to your movements. But now, spirit mangled and unable to reveal a tooth when you smile unless you’re heavily prodded, do you now see the truth in what I’m saying?”
“What nonsense is this? You’re scaring me. Can we stop for a — “
“If you weren’t here in the first place then you cannot die.” Odette attempted to run and Zulema caught her by the wrist. “This next part won’t matter.” Zulema raised a knife that she’d taken from her basket when Odette was not looking and moved to her throat. Odette struggled in her arms and Zulema held her closer, hugging her and placing light kisses over her tiny features as tears moved rapidly on her own face.
“You know why I have you talk to them? Because it’s fun messing with people. It is fun knowing that they squirmed thinking about whether to get justice for those killed, or not. They know who I am, they could find me if I let them find me, but they do not get past a preliminary search before giving up. Isn’t that funny. In fact, they secretly thank me for doing what I did. They do. And that’s what I like knowing. That I caused a conflict inside of them. I just love it. These sanctimonious people with clear rights and wrongs caught in my trap and unable to untangle themselves. They thank me. I know they do. And you’re witness to those thanks. And you’ll thank me too when I’m done here. You will.” Odette let out a strangled scream as blood pooled on her chest. “You have to understand, they were going to catch you soon. Too many people have seen you time and time again. They can’t kill me.” Zulema repeated with forced confidence. “They can’t get themselves to stand up and actually look for me. And it would be easy to find me because…I’m not hiding.” Zulema’s words trembled a little at the end because she knew that she was lying about that. “However, they can get you. And in some weird perverse way they could fulfill their sense of justice by harming you, they would feel like they tried to stop me. You get that don’t you? I know you do. I can’t let those people do anything to you. I’m sorry. I’m not sorry for what I have to do but I’m sorry that you didn’t realize that this was how it was going to end. Didn’t I teach you anything?” Odette struggled one more time before her body became limp in Zulema’s arms. Zulema hugged her once more, kissing her eyelids, then set her in the middle of the road, picked up her basket, and moved on.
