Why We Now Feel Disgust Rather Than Heartbreak
How self-worth can make dating less daunting
It seems like such a long time ago now that the tv show called Tiger King was going viral on Netflix. I, as one of the many people bored in quarantine, watched the series and was amused by the behavior of almost everyone on the show. One person that caught my interest in particular was Gladys Lewis Cross, the ex-wife of Don Lewis, Carole Baskin’s ex-husband, that has never been found.
From the very get-go, there was something about Cross’s attitude toward her husband that I found almost frustrating. I could sympathize with the hurt she felt over her husband of many years cheating on her, but it felt like all her anger was directed at Carole, and none left for her husband. It was clear that she was still heartbroken.
“I told him I will always love him, but it was over.”
— Tiger King, Gladys Lewis Cross
While heartbreak is an inevitable part of betrayal, there seems to have been a shift in culture where more people experience disgust at their partner first rather than heartbreak. We now have people posting about how disgusting cheating is more so than how upsetting the experience is. Heartbreak seems to be coming in second and these are the reasons why.
Feminism
One of the main reasons why heartbreak has taken more of a backseat is because we have a different relationship with cheating, or more specifically, women’s relationship with cheating. In the past, the idea of cheating was often blamed on the wrong people. If a husband was to cheat on his wife, often the wife or mistress was blamed rather than the husband.
Even before that, religious influences made it so any adultery was to be blamed solely on the woman with the husband taking a small financial loss as a result. Rape included.
The fear of being a single mother, or divorcee, was often at the forefront with the idea that a husband doesn’t cheat unless the wife gives them a reason to. Therefore, heartbreak is more likely to be felt as the wife feels that they lost a husband that is still worthy of them. However, with the feminist movement, the idea of single mothers, divorce, and blame completely shifted.
Now that the person we blame in the relationship is culturally accepted as the cheater, the feeling of loss is overtaken by the feeling of righteous indignation.
This shift has also affected men. Men whose wives cheated on them after the Victorian era were often regarded as unmanly or ‘not man enough’ to keep their wives satisfied. However, as we now are slowly letting go of strict gender roles, we see a much more sympathetic approach to men that have been cheated on.
A Different Relationship with Relationships
One of the cultural shifts that have happened is our perception of relationships. Previously romantic relationships held a much stronger hold over those in them. Relationships were people’s identities.
In the Victorian era, relationships were social and political tools and in the early 20th Century they were people’s entire identities. Now, instead of viewing relationships as one, we see the people in them as their own people in a partnership.
The increase in therapy and psychological awareness has made us healthier when it comes to relationships, and as such we can view mistakes as both individual mistakes and the mistakes of the partnership. It is no longer the fault of the relationship where both parties are to blame.
If someone cheats in a relationship, we can see that as the individual’s mistake and not a mistake of the relationship. As the person who was cheated on never gets blamed, they also have a reduced sense of guilt. While the betrayal itself can cause heartbreak, the concepts that betrayal implies creates a greater sense of anger.
Like any part of a culture, as our world perspectives and scientific discoveries change, so does our views on relationships. With a rise in feminism and our interactions with relationships changing, we are slowly moving away from the heartbroken spouse as we stop romanticizing it, and instead, we are experiencing an increase in disgust.
While the topic of cheating is never pleasant, the idea of stronger individuals in relationships that know when they’ve been wronged is promising and indicates a less daunting dating future.
