Writing saved me.
Just when i needed it most.
I have always loved reading feeling almost like I had lost a limb if I didn’t have a book close by. Everything about opening to the first page, the anticipation of where this wonderful book would take me.
I didn’t understand when I was younger that I needed the escape of a book because what was happening in my young life was stark and hard.
Throughout my life books became my safe space somewhere to retreat when life was too much. I always secretly dreamed of being an author but had no faith in my ability to achieve anything and could never quite put down on paper what I wanted to say. Feeling forever blocked.
Then near the start of this year, I had a wobble, not quite a breakdown but perilously close and a friend suggested I start a blog. I have always been an insular person lots bubbling under the surface but with an icy calm exterior. The thought of putting any of my thoughts on a page let alone sharing them with the wider world terrified me and I almost didn’t do it.
I started therapy EMDR because I have PTSD, a trauma I always knew about but never spoke about never wanting to let people in or be vulnerable at all. I experienced the majority of it as a child so it wasn’t until I had an opportunity to do some therapy that I became able to face the truth of what happened and write it down.
Writing it down taught me how to open up and lay myself bare in a way I would never have achieved by saying it out loud. I have been able to articulate my trauma and abuse in a way that is comfortable for me but in the same way, stretching my comfort zone wider than I ever thought I would have the strength to do. My brother died 4 weeks ago and my grief and pain are indescribable or so I thought. One night after his funeral I opened my laptop and wrote for what seemed like the longest time. Music blaring I poured my broken heart out on the page then sat back and read it and cried.
The process of sitting down and opening that blank screen is no longer a barrier whatever is on my mind is on that page. Some days it’s nonsense and some days it’s not but every time it is 100% unapologetically me. I know that it is not for everyone and that’s okay because I wrote it in the main for me. I have loved books all my life and will never tire of reading them but now I have a new love and that is writing it has opened my heart up for the world to see. This, in equal parts, is both amazing and terrifying. I am trying to do it every day, enjoying the freedom it grants me and being ever thankful to the person who told me I could do it.
So no matter what your story, remember it is important, you are important. Even if you are the only person who reads what you write that doesn’t matter just make sure you read it back when you need to hear it. Share it when you feel ready because you never know who might get comfort from knowing there is someone else who feels the way they do. Most of all never underestimate the power of your words.
