You Are Not Lazy
You deserve to rest
I spend a lot of time in bed. A fantasy for some, I’ve been assured of that. Time and time again the comments roll in, ‘Oh, I’d love to spend a few days doing nothing!’, ‘How lucky you are, being allowed to lie down!’
These comments are not (usually) said spitefully. For the able-bodied my life can seem desirable. They don’t know, don’t understand, that the days I lay in bed are often my darkest. I’m in a lot of pain, too tired to stay awake, yet too sore to fall asleep. My mental health plummets and I’m filled with worries, never rational, but when has mental illness ever cared about rationality?
Am I doing enough?
This is the question that plagues me the most. I have to write for a living, I cannot make money doing anything else. When I am not writing, whether it be my novel or a new article for this website, I begin to stress. Is it okay for me to rest? To spend a day, or two, or three, lamenting in pain instead of churning out new content?
The answer should be yes, because I know that I’m doing my best. Pushing myself when I am not well only extends the problem, creating a cycle of cynicism that leads nowhere productive. I can only do my best work on the days where my legs can hold themselves up, where my mind is clear and free from self-doubt. I suffer from fatigue, an ailment that can strike even when I wake up feeling refreshed. It has taken a long time to learn to listen to my body, to give it what it needs, to not treat it as my enemy.
As soon as I came to accept that I worked differently the world became a lot easier to handle. I don’t force myself to write at my desk anymore — sometimes I write chapters upon chapters on the words app on my phone, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t make me any less of a writer, nor does it make me any less of a human. Do not punish yourself for easing your burden. Do what works best for you, not for anyone else.
Comments can be hurtful
But they’re not always said in spite. My mother will often call me ‘lazybones’ – a nickname I had grown to resent, before I realised that she truly wasn’t taking a dig at me. She knows I’m not lazy, that I’m doing the best that I can with the body I’ve been given. She’s seen me at my lowest, the frightening hours where my life has been on the line, and she has seen how I’ve fought to keep going. She supports me in her own way, with comments that she finds endearing.
But I’d still urge that people take caution. If a friend hasn’t been as active lately there is probably a reason. No one enjoys lying in their bed for days on end — we are creatures of purpose, of drive and ambition. Watch what you say, perhaps offer a bit of help. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it for as long as I need: kindness goes a long way, and can make both your day and someone else's day roll smoother.
Take each day as it comes
You can dictate your own pace. Don’t wallow if the day doesn’t go as planned. Listen to what you need, heal, and remember that tomorrow is a new day. Please, be gentle with yourself. When all is said and done there is no better person to rely upon than yourself. You know your struggles, you’ve lived through them, fought with them, and survived them. When your body calls out to you, when your mind begs for respite, give them what they ask for, and remove any guilt you may feel. It is an especially freeing concept, believe me.
Thank you for reading.
If you’d like to read more about my experiences with mental health and chronic illness please take a look at my list, The Lupus Diaries.
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