Are you struggling, feeling like you are on the edge and can’t find a way off?
Come along on my personal journey and see what I found!
The highs and lows of introspection can be vast. One day you believe you have found your answers. The next day you feel as if you are in the depths of despair and don’t know a thing, and can’t figure out why. One day you feel you have come to an acceptance of your situation. The next you want to scream for believing there is no way out or having to put up with it and so you cry.
Maybe you started a diet or fast so you think your defenses are down but again you have had these times before. Are you starting your quest for peace of soul, again, from scratch? Are you trying to discover or re-discover your purpose? Or your meaning, your worth to the world or to yourself? Often that is a low point; what do you feel your worth is to the world. If none, you ask,
“Then why am I here, why do I bother? What is my worth to myself; if none other than to take up valuable space and resources, then why am I here?”
Or you may find yourself thinking about others. People who you believe had much more value, potential or presence. Those who died so early in life or even in later years who you believed had so much more to offer. And you ask,
“I am still here; why?”
Do you ever wonder if you will be on your death bed knowing you have never figured ‘life’ out? Or worse, filled with such remorse for not finding your way or purpose? I know I have asked myself all these questions at different points in my life and never found an answer.
DEALING WITH DESPAIR
Throughout my life, I have dealt with outbursts of deep anger and frustration. I came to call them my steam releases. These came as a result of a life of deep frustration, despair, emptiness, and misdirection. Though they kept me from going to the bottom, those outbursts were often at the expense of those I love. And the remorse is inconsolable.
I have always had to worry….when will the next one come? It became normal to have myself on alert to the signs I know all too well in hopes to avert them. I have become so in tune, I can see these signs in others, especially my friends. We all seem to be on the edge of oblivion these days; what has happened to us all, especially so many older women? Do times such as these reinforce the despair or struggle of your life, adding one more layer to dig through?
ON THE EDGE OF THE FENCE
Are you struggling, feeling like you are on the edge and can’t find a way off? I know I am so tired of almost always riding the fence, being on the very edge of survival. The few times I wasn’t, I will say were some of my happiest. Yet being on the constant rim of not having enough to live on can take a horrible toll on one’s sense of worth.
Even as of today, I have enough for the basics. I am of the older generation struggling financially along with weight and health issues. I am thankfully finally challenging those and my health is improving. Yet I now have an additional need. To pay a $1500 medical bill. To pay $1000 to IRS. To live with a wage garnishment for an old Student Loan. I need vet appointments for my pets, dental work for myself, and there is no extra money. Bankruptcy is a dream that I am working towards and the wheels keeps on turning.
My issues may be unique to me yet each one of us has different burdens. Do you have one that keeps you spinning in your tracks, finding yourself stuck and not moving forward? Do you find it hard to see a way out? Is it:
- No magical money machines
- No part-time jobs
- No extra time or energy after working a full day
- Trying to start a business to become a freelancer
- Taking care of family
- Simply surviving
I understand. I am right there with you.
START OVER I DO
Through all these struggles, I have let so many people and animals down. Myself as well. How do I get past that sense of failure and unforgiveness? The other day I wrote there is no failure, only setbacks? Do I believe that now… really? Can I see all these as setbacks, lessons and not failure; I do not know! What do you think?
My dear friend believes God will take care of everything in her life and mine. God will answer all her problems if she prays enough. I will be honest, I don’t believe in that God. I do believe in a Divine, a Creator, a Universal connection but not the God so many others do. This does not sit well with some, and others commend me. I ponder on this daily and am still in quest mode.
At the end of the day, all I want is to be able to take care of myself, my pets, my debts. No grandiose schemes, no million dollar mansions though a cabin on the lake would do fine. Just ‘enough’ without living on the edge of the fence where I am one more gust of wind away from falling to oblivion is my goal. Is that too much to ask? I have lost so many jobs, had two brain tumors, lost my credit several times, and struggled too many times to regain my footing and start over. Yet start over I do!
THE FLAME
Yet in all these challenges, there has always been a flame that burns deep down in my core. A flame that keeps me moving forward, flaring brightly when the darkness tries to take over my soul. Where that fire comes from I can only believe from my soul, my spirit, the Universe, God? At this moment I do not care where only that it is.
I believe each one of us has that fire burning, and each one of us can attune ourselves to its ever presence. If we start looking within ourselves and not react to what is external, we will find it. You have that fire inside of you too; did you know that? That support our inner spirit/fire gives us…. on our journey, our personal quest, on our path. No matter the destination, it can and will help us in those distressing and challenging times.
IN THE NOW
I was always one who looked backward or forward, having trouble with living in the here and now. I always found myself looking out to the world and never looking into myself. There were a few times in the last years when I have meditated. I felt so connected to my core, my fire yet somehow let it slip through my memory like melting icicles on a hot day. Yet those melting waters, like an ocean swell when infused with the fire or flame, will eventually burst forth with power. Smoldering inside that steam, it is slowly rising up into my soul….yearning for release, powerful with ideas, ready to engage the world. And I am ready to receive. To live in the present and reconnect with my now, my fire, my power.
SLOW DOWN, BE QUIET, LOOK INSIDE
Do I currently meditate? No though I would like to rediscover its beauty? Yet what I do is immerse myself and enjoy quiet time where I do a lot of thinking. Things like:
- Walking my dogs
- Sitting and playing with my cats
- Driving to work in quiet
- Letting the Universe speak to me
- And of course I write; write; write
These are my times that have centered me. They:
- Pull all those loose fraying threads back to my core
- Give me pause to reflect and not react
- Allow me to be at peace with my soul
- Remind me that each day is another day to get it right
- Continue me on my journey of re-discovery, of meaning
- Confirm I do have worth to the world and myself
- Showed me I do have the inner power to make my dreams a reality
Those are MY times to connect with my burn, my energy, my faith, my future and to slow down. To feel the hope, to feel the inner energy, to keep going, to sense the Universe wants me to succeed. But I have had to open myself up to believing in myself. Believing I AM valuable, I AM worthy, I DO have the strength to move forward and succeed. To jump off the fence, away from the edge and know that I CAN make a difference! And guess what, so CAN YOU!
I hope that you will take the time to slow down. Take the time to be in quiet with yourself, and connect with your inner fire, your core, your spirit, your source. To work towards no regrets, and embrace your uniqueness. You will not regret it. And you will be amazed at what it shows you.
