The Outcome Of Not Following My Own Path…A Tale Of Crash, Almost Burn And What I Learned!

Published in

Writers Guild

13 min readMay 1, 2019

Hello There! Did You Miss Me?

Probably not and that’s okay. I wasn’t around too long before I slipped quietly away. I realized I was crashing and burning, the outcome of not following my own path, my own heart, and my own spirit.

I don’t know where you’ve been during my absence, and I’m sorry about that, not keeping up with you and all. I put it firmly on my shoulders, sitting next to my evil twin who causes me more grief than I know what to do with. Well, she’s not all evil, just a pain in the …. well, you get my point.

So what I am saying is this. I am finally peeking back up from my ostrich hole, the self-imposed home I have inhabited for about the last five months. Sadly I have not been writing much lately, like those whole five months lately, nor putting any of my words out there for anyone to read.

Yet thankfully times are a changing and I Am Back!

Ok…well, not fully back. Saying I’m fully back may be stretching it a bit. How can I be back at all I wonder? If I am honest with myself, I had hardly started at all. Not much anyway. Ok, maybe two steps off the starting line start but that’s about it.

In reality, when I finally saw how far off the path I had meandered, I didn’t have much to show for myself. All I had under my belt last fall, from a whole lot of effort, were just a few posts on Medium (a big thank you to my subscribers) and a whole lot of angst in trying to make my own website (that I just reset to a blank slate, Tabula Rasa, so I can start fresh in alignment with my heart).

Along with this were my email and Facebook page full of a gazillion posts (not mine I am afraid) from a bazillion others pulling me constantly away from my dreams.

It was my own fault all this ‘stuff’ was polluting my life; I allowed it.

Waking up every day to more and more people trying to seminar me, upsell me, get my email to send me some freebie, make me believe I will not make it without their ‘one of a kind’ information and ‘supposed’ experience that by the way costs lots of money after they try to get me to buy their ‘cheaper’ intro course (Damn, why do I keep hitting the ‘send me’ and ‘sign me up’ button; I hate those buttons!) was overwhelming me.

Yet I knew that flittering amongst it all were wonderful people with authentic information who do know their stuff and I Love Them. But I got so ‘click happy’ for the next bit of information or cheat sheet or ‘this is all you need to succeed class’, that I couldn’t see the forest through the trees anymore. What was wrong with me?

Now nothing against anyone who believes in themselves enough to put it all out there and sell their knowledge, whether real or imagined. Go for it! This isn’t about what you do or don’t do; this is about me and what I do or don’t do. Just making sure we are all on the same page before someone takes me up on this like I am dissing on them. Hey, get some perspective; all for all, and none for none, and well…

this is my story, not theirs!

So What Did Happen To Me?

Simply mental and emotional exhaustion and frustration. I had allowed myself to go in a direction that someone else felt was in my best interest when I knew it was not in my heart’s interest.

I was also trying to filter through everything while trying to believe enough in ME to not doubt myself or to be fearful of the path I knew was mine.

Along with that I was battling myself trying not to get pulled in (again) to another quick fix scheme / program / seminar that turned out to waste my precious time and limited funds.

Ad on top of this was finding time to build my website and write while working full-time in a boring, underpaid job, living with a roommate that means well but drives me bonkers, taking care of my pets and trying to save money for all those damn vet bills and car repairs that pop up at all the most inopportune times, and keeping up the tiniest hope in moving from a place I do not fit in! Ok, I am coming up for air….breathing, breathing I swear.

Anyway, I crashed I am afraid to say, or on second thought, not afraid to say.

No, I am not afraid anymore.

Thank goodness! What a waste of my brain cells. So I am shouting it to the world…hear me roar…I Sheyla crashed and almost burned up last fall just as I was coming into my own.

Only to realize what I was truly doing, besides listening to the wrong people and the wrong inner voice, was going down a path, not mine, not attuned to my spirit / purpose but someone else’s vision for me and it sucked!

Literally sucked me dry and spit me out….big time.

Oh yeah, if I didn’t say it….sucked, sucked, sucked.

Yet In A Funny Way

Yet in a funny way I am glad it happened (can’t believe I am saying that!), and I realized it when I did and stopped…dead in my tracks.

Can you imagine if I had continued down that path that was not mine, to begin with, only to realize all of that much later, after putting so much time and effort in? How many people have done that? Anyone you know… you maybe?

Oh by the way, and I am not too proud of this (makes me wonder about my learning curve) this isn’t the first time I have gone through this. Nope…did the same thing two years ago (and this is only taking into account blogging and not all my other creative burn piles), and I didn’t pick back up my writing for almost a year. So in a way, kudos to me…it was only five months this time around.

So here is the truly big question to myself and anyone else out there who has found themselves in the same quandary…and that is….WHY? Why do we let this happen, why can’t we see what we are doing, and what do we need to do to NOT let it happen again?

I know I personally have wasted so much of my time (I will call it forced wallow time) wallowing in my personal fears, anxieties, and worries.

Initially having faith in myself and then out of nowhere not believing enough in myself to pull me through, thinking I have to conform in any way to what others are doing when I am a freaking free-spirit.

Who in the hell clipped my wings, and why can’t I get them back?

Then there is dealing with that damn ‘Perfectionist’ who sits on my shoulder next to that little evil twin whispering in my ear, “Not yet, not good enough”, and when she is done with me, turns me over to her compatriot ‘Procrastination’…

Damn, it is crowded on my shoulder…no wonder I feel burdened down

…who just loves to watch me stall, and stall, and stall until the light at the end of the tunnel becomes the train engine and not the lantern of hope to light my way; CRASH!

Did You Hear Me Scream?

And CRASH I did….for over 5 months…working my crappy little job, depressed with my life and seeing little hope of digging out of it, living with a Chapter 13 bankruptcy filing, a car that was stolen, feeling I should have more internal strength from a girl who survived not one but two brain tumors, eating myself into putting 40 of my 55 pounds lost last year back on, starting to drink again on weekends to dull the pain (doesn’t work by the way), struggling physically and putting myself in media exile as I simply couldn’t stand it all anymore.

By putting myself on a 95% fast from all social media including emails and Facebook, I found I could finally think, not filling my brain with that entire media ‘gunk’ and giving myself a respite.

I lived on science fiction repeats (nothing beats Doctor Who and Babylon 5 by the way), and then spring comes. The supposed time of renewal and new chances, and for me, it is life catching up with myself.

But what I get is a new health issue that has me not feeling well, along with everything else on my plate, and I screamed — literally.

Didn’t you hear me? I was loud enough…”I can’t take anymore”!

Knock, Knock, Knock on my Door

This is when mortality, spirit, Universe, God/Goddess, creator or something came knocking on my ostrich hole (even though I live with tinnitus I could hear her through all the Cicada-like chirping), and asks me if I really want to stay in there any longer.

She reminds me my time on earth isn’t guaranteed, and I really do still have much to offer, stories to tell and things to say to the world that only I can say.

“You must learn to believe that and to believe in yourself. That everything you need is inside you; you just misplaced her. And oh by the way, she isn’t that evil little bitch on your shoulder though she is part of you whether you like her or not” she says.

Yes, I yell at her…if you say so!

Uhhg…I roll over not convinced at all in what she is saying, and pull the covers back over my head, happy in my cozy hole where it’s comfy with no obligations. You see, this is what I believed….

No one cares what I have to say…no one cares about my stories…what I have to say means nothing….I am not a writer…I am not unique…I am afraid of what others will say…I am afraid of success or is it failure…I am lost…I am worthless…I am…

As I am ranting in my despair, frustration, and anger, I suddenly realize how crowded it is under my blanket….I’m not alone. ’Perfectionism’ and ‘Procrastination’ and that evil little twin of mine are all coiled around my heart strangling my spirit. Sitting on my shoulders wasn’t enough for them. No, they moved in to make sure I would fail and they are killing me at my core.

Knock, knock! It is louder this time and more insistent. “The birds are chirping, the sun is shining above you, the grass smells wonderful, your walks with your dogs are nice, the cats are happy, and you are making good use of your downtime at work now….are you sure you aren’t ready to come out?” she asks. But the coil tightens around my heart and I feel as if I am drowning…I cannot breathe and so I must come up for air.

So I bravely (or is it survival instincts kicking in?) take a peak from under my fear and doubt and procrastination and decide, if nothing else, I have enough strength to at least organize my writings.

So I go through all my notes, my scribbles and dribbles, my lists of possible topics, and yes, even some of my blog posts from last year. This may seem to some like an insignificant thing to do but it was a ‘thing’ to do, and that little ‘thing’ was one more ‘thing’ than I had done in five months for my creative self.

This Little Thing

And this little ‘thing’, this one step, was enough to put a crack around my heart, to loosen the grip of my demons and to allow for me to continue upward and out.

So as I read those posts, it was “WOW…some of this is pretty darn good” I thought. So I kept reading and then typing up more of my handwritten notes and journal entries, topics to think about and more into Word. And as I kept meandering through my writings, I realized I have a lifetime of topics and experiences to write about, more stuff than I remembered I had.

And it was all there just waiting for me to start again.

The more I typed, and the more I read, my unwanted guests begrudgingly moved back to my shoulder, giving my spirit some much-needed room, if not to fly yet, at least to maneuver forward.

And the biggest realization came when I remembered the ‘why’ I wrote…first because I love to write; hopefully that is a given for any writer struggling or not.

Next is because only I can tell my story, no one else and I do have great stuff to tell. And I had forgotten the most important reason for my why….just how important each one of us, including our stories, are including me and you (yes, I am and you are, and you can’t make me believe otherwise anymore).

Then, more importantly, how individual our stories / poems / adventures / journeys and more are, and they should be told.

Isn’t that what storytelling is for…the age-old practice of our ancestors. And who better to be the storyteller of your life, of my life but for each of us. Duh…what a goober I am sometimes! (Goober, I love that word!)

Now that is where my blog always intended to go (when not influenced by others)…it’s all about the stories I held in my heart, soul, spirit, and mind, and in time hopefully, show others they can and should write their stories as well.

Yet I had allowed others to sidetrack me. It is not their fault; I am ultimately responsible for how I act, react or not act on information. But I must be kind to myself, that is important.

I had been refusing for all the reasons listed WAY above not to put what was inside of me as the priority but as secondary fodder.

It is about the ‘knowing’ and the ‘telling’ (thanks Mad Max), and the ‘getting’ it out there for eternity. Yes, do you ever think about that….eternity? If you didn’t know…on the internet that is a very long time…as long as it survives.

I have to let go, for now, what happens to them after they leave my control; I simply need to restart and let the winds go where they may.

Who Gives A Shit?

Who gives a shit if no one reads them (but I know you will…ha!)? Now that is the attitude I need to get back going…I just need to believe in myself and write, putting it all out to the Universe and let the rest go for now as I heal. And hope in time my offerings to the ether will bring joy and so much more.

Not only is that my new motto, it is also my ‘what’…like what to do when the shoulder squatters start yapping in my ear. All I have to do is decide if what I am doing is in alignment with my heart…my heart and not anyone else’s, and if it is, just reply to the naysayers,

“Who Gives A Shit; This Is My Story!”

and continue where I was going…down my path!.

I Am Back….Yahoo!

And that is when I yanked my head totally out of that hole and rejoiced…. I Am Back! Not to impress anyone, or to say I am special, or you should listen to all of my wisdom….no.

But to write, from my perspective, in the hope that one day I will be able to entertain, inspire, cause laughter or tears, to take you on a journey, to give you a poem or short story that makes you smile.

And if at the end of the day you find a tad bit of wisdom (to do or to stay away from) then so be it….then I have done a great job and I could not ask for more!

So here I am…telling the world…just wait for my stories, my tales, my whispers, my desires, my dreams, my poems, my adventures and my more because they are coming. Via Medium and eventually to take over the world (oh, that’s Pinky and the Brain…sorry): I mean eventually when my website is back up and running.

So please remember above all else…

If you are struggling as I was, then know this…it is not easy. You see, I still am struggling because I am aware that I have to be cognizant at all times of what perches on my shoulders.

So I make no quick-fix promises on this and anyone who does…well, run away from them very, very fast. Nor do I have anything to sell you to help you through your struggles (maybe someday when I am a Jedi Master, Sensei, Guru, or well, whatever).

What I Do Have

But what I do have are all my words and words are powerful…written one at a time from my heart and soul….and it can be done….just remember that.

Taking that first peek back into your writing life may be hard, but it is a must. You have to find out what is getting in your way, what is riding on your shoulder influencing you, why you want to write, and why it is worth bringing your head back up out of your own ostrich hole.

All first steps are challenging but everything starts with the first step, or sneak peek, remember that. Look around as I did, and dig deep into your ‘what’s’ and ‘why’s’ and hopefully you will find your answer and your path. I wish you the best and look forward to reading your writings as you read mine.

And by the way….

my wings are back and I am flying high!

Now it is your time to go get ’em. All above all…..