To Listen, and Really Listen
Ever had the feeling that you don’t listen enough to your loved ones? Yeah, well we’re shaking hands on that one. This is in no way a guilt trip but a conversation in itself — your first lesson on listening. I know what you’re thinking; what’s in it for me? Not only does listening help our relationship with others, but it also aids our relationship with ourselves. Well, firstly we can establish that there is a pleasure to be found in developing the art of listening. Contrary to popular belief, listening is a complex competence that requires conscious development.
We find pleasure in opening up about ourselves and our experiences, but really the pleasure is rooted in finding clarity regarding who we are, the things we want, feel, and the way we react. Too often, we confuse self-clarification with hearing ourselves talk but interestingly, and more often than not we best understand parts of ourselves by listening to others. It happens all the time, think about a moment when you learned you related to a strong opinion or bonded over something you didn’t know was a common interest, or even that time you heard something you disagreed with and after listening to the point made you learned that you feel strongly about something opposing whatever was said.
Unfortunately, we enter conversations with an agenda and that hinders the ability to gain perspective and ultimately, find clarity.
There’s no need to listen deeply all the time or to everyone you come in contact with, as that is unrealistic and quite exhausting. We must be able to pinpoint the moments in our lives that a conversation may heavily rely on our undivided attention. However, we can only be conscious of those moments after we’re conscious of ourselves; Listening to our own bodies and life around us grounds us in the present moment. Ask yourself if you’re tired or busy and establish your boundaries.
It’s a common mistake of ours to allow someone to engage us in conversation at moments when we aren’t of the capacity to be properly attentive. If you’re faced with this reassure them of the issues’ importance but rather suggest another time or day. Our interest in what’s being said also affects the progression of the conversation and the possibility of another like it and providing feedback after the message is relayed gives the sender a clear sign that you are present. Your role is to listen to and understand what has been said, don’t be afraid to ask someone to repeat what they’ve said when you don’t understand or didn’t quite ‘catch’ it at the moment.
To listen, and really listen means focusing not only on what is being said but also the person, their tone of voice and body language, from that we can draw how they feel exactly. When aware of a loved one’s emotions we are more engaged in their experience and we’re placed in a better position to explore the subject. However, if you notice that they digress and begin to deviate from their main point, bring them back to their last coherent point made. Ask about their experience and what it felt like for them and use signs suggesting you’re listening with an open mind. The best way to understand an issue in your own life is to hear it discussed through the life of someone else, by listening you’re now able to better understand your own experiences in the words of others.
We can easily find ourselves interrupting or giving advice when we weren’t asked for any, and this is a habit especially difficult for smart people or those with a broadened horizon as they are quick to come up with what they may feel are solutions. We must keep in mind that an interruption bears with it an unspoken message that may translate as a lack of interest or something rather presumptuous, by all means, refrain from filling in the gaps or putting words in other’s mouths.
There’s much pleasure in listening. It requires us to be patient, receptive, open-minded, and non-judgmental. It may take a lot of concentration and certainly effort to effectively practice and master the art of listening but remember that listening promotes a more sound relationship with others, our surroundings, and obviously, most importantly, ourselves.
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