Your Fears Will Always Come True
And How to Negotiate Between Fear and Reality
Yesterday evening, I was practicing for my exam the next morning. I had been learning the theory of relativity for a few days already. 10 pm. For the last check, lets look at some online test papers — BAM. WTF. I didn’t understand the test question at all. It was like, I hadn’t even seen this kind of question ever, I knew there was a huge possibility of that being asked tomorrow. It was 10 pm. My eyes were tearing, my throat was sore.
What did I do? It is simple. We haven’t done this in class; Probably, I am the first and only one to have found this test web page … whatever
***closes the site in shock and total disapproval***
The next day — exam day — on the last page after slaying every bit of the exam. The monster from yesterday night was looking at me dead in the eye. What I shut the day before, because I avoided it in fear and disapproval — turned into reality.
I — we all — have had too many situations like these. I don’t like that. Not at all. Not that my mark of that test would be incredibly (I mean it, incredibly) important, but that I ignored the first voice to always listen to when you feel like something is at stake. Goes without saying that this voice is your head, your heart, your intuition (call it what you want).
I cannot remember one time where my intuition had dumped me, but so many times, where I had dumped my intuition.
I am so sorry for that, Claudia, really, sorry. I think that this, along with all the other situations where I ignored my gut, brings to closer to what personality trainers spread like viruses in every book that they write. They seem like they are having a thing with “building a relationship with yourself”. Really, I don’t know what to do with that. I am me, my body, my mind (maybe spirituality?), but no, I don’t want to get into a relationship where I comfort myself when I let shit happen although it was my fault! Friends, family members, everyone that would have the right to shout at you when you did something wrong, will probably do it in a nicer way — because they have a relationship to loose if they criticize me too often. (Being friends with me can be fun and I appreciate critics!:)) I am my own biggest critique, although sometimes, my head makes me feel that to be different.
May I Interpret “Relationship with Yourself”?
I promise I will never bring that wording up again. Ugh. Trust your gut. Trust your gut. If your boyfriend is sending red flags, trust them. If you go to an appointment and you feel that something is wrong, check your time, place, and whether you had planned something else to do, or whether you had another appointment to catch up also. If you have a concert today and you feel weirdly not prepared, check the location! (This has actually happened to me and I had to drive back the opposite direction. That was a 40 minutes drive and I got late to my own piano concert.)
I am no one to know whether self-doubt or low self esteem are reasonable or legitimate for me. All I am is know that whoever I think I am or not am, if I don’t trust my gut, there will be no one else to be trusted, ever.
Fear vs Reality?
Often, our fears — whether we’d like it or not — are direct pictures of what will happen in the future. Maybe, fear is the wrong word and the sixth sense fits better in this context. Whatever. Something that happens unconsciously, usually is reality. I don’t care about your self-esteem. Unless you are insane and have been diagnosed with some crazy disorders (not shaming people with disorders, they are the toughest people I have ever met actually), you can definitely trust those millions of years that your ancestors have passed on genes to make you capable of living. Whenever you cannot trust yourself, trust those genes that you have. If your parents use drugs, that makes your genes less “good” for survival, but no less valuable in anything that you are doing.
Basically, my point is, that your inner fears, your sixth sense, portrays the future to come. It prepares you — usually, for bad things to happen. If something good lays in front of you, you don’t even realize that your gut has given you the needed energy and enthusiasm to enjoy that moment!
I know that there are moments — car crashes, accidents — that our intuition fails to warn us (actually, it is not the task of intuition to protect us from stupidity as when we are dumb ass children speeding up on highways). We are not spared the rules of physics. Our sixth sense doesn't live beyond our world, where life is infinite. But our sixth sense is, in the consideration that we are all quite helpless in many situations where we are the only ones to make decisions, our best friend and guide. There is something inside of me that sends a message when something might go wrong, or might just be the right decision right there. For all the test questions that came up, for all the missed concerts, for all the missed appointments and bad luck — I am ready to trust you next time when you talk to me. And that is the end of a weird love letter to my intuition, indirectly apologizing to the times I have wronged her. Please trust yourself, it may safe your life one day.
Thanks for reading Writers Guild — A Penname publication
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