How to confront your smallness and avoid self-sabotage, again.

Why do we grapple with opposing forces: craving success while dreading exposure?

I used to wrestle with self-sabotage tendencies. Well, the truth is, I still do, but now I’m equipped with better tools to confront these inner demons, preventing myself from tumbling into the abyss of self-pity.

Photo by Valeriia Miller on Unsplash

Back when things were sailing smoothly, and I was confidently sharing my knowledge, a persistent voice within me kept prodding me with unsettling questions: Who do you think you are? Why would anyone want to hear what you have to say?

This internal dialogue was even stronger when I dared to be vulnerable publicly, revealing my unfiltered, raw thoughts. But I couldn’t understand why this was happening.

To find the answers I decided to do some introspection, diving into my childhood and analysing my family’s conditioning and my mother’s lack of emotional nurturing.

It became evident that, in my adult life, I was constantly looking for validation from external sources. When that validation was absent, I’d plunge into panic and self-doubt. Paradoxically, when things were going well, I subconsciously wanted to hide, my fear of being seen outweighing my desire for success.

It doesn’t make bloody sense! Why do we grapple with these opposing forces: craving success while dreading exposure???

Recently I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing anymore.

I lost my ability to problem-solve and found myself in a fog of confusion. My brain couldn’t connect the dots and reach the knowledge I already possessed. It was frustrating and scary. I worried I was on the edge of self-sabotage again, ready to undo all the hard work I had invested.

I had two initial responses in mind, shaped by my past experiences:

1. Dive into busyness, burying this confusion deep within, hoping it would vanish.
2. Distract myself with pleasant activities to escape the discomfort.

The first option was the worst because what is pushed down will eventually come to the surface again sooner rather than later — been there done that.

The second option seemed like a decent escape plan, but it was, in essence, an avoidance strategy. Ignoring discomfort and drowning it in pleasurable distractions merely addresses the symptoms rather than delving into the root causes of my inner turmoil.

I have decided to face my emotional tumour and understand where this confusion and frustration are coming from.

I found walking to be the best way to clear my head and explore solutions outside the environment that may have triggered these feelings.

Two significant factors seemed to have nudged me into my “smallness” mode:

• First, a deeply personal and vulnerable article I wrote after a recent visit with my mom. It brought so many emotions to the surface and with the tears came peace. Nevertheless, the exposure left me yearning for a temporary retreat.
• On the professional front, I was experiencing mixed fortunes. On one hand, I was making progress, but on the other, I grappled with a few rejections that required time and resilience to overcome. Telling myself that these rejections weren’t personal and finding the confidence to pick myself up again wasn’t always easy.

So, here I was, torn between strong and courageous me wanting to share my talents with the world and a small, fearful version of myself sitting in the dark corner of the room with the knees up to her chin scared to death, dreading another rejection.

Now, imagine if I approached this timid version of myself, urging her to pull herself together and get back to work. She might oblige, but the fear and sadness would linger.

Alternatively, I could offer her ice cream (or eggnog latte from Starbucks!) as a temporary distraction, not asking about what’s troubling her. That, however, would be superficial care, as she’d still have to grapple with the unsettling emotions.

So instead, I chose to sit beside her and listen…

She told me she was overwhelmed by the recent surge of sadness related to her mom. While she felt relieved to have let go of resentment, adulthood proved to be a tough journey.

She also feared that her newfound peace with her mother might strain her relationship with her sister, who was at a different stage in their shared journey.

I told her I am very proud of her for being such a sensitive and caring soul thanking her for her considerate nature.

What unfolded next was a heartfelt conversation with my sister about our feelings towards our mother and our collective struggle to find understanding for her behaviours when we were kids.

The small girl within me also expressed her distress each time we faced rejection from potential clients. She was scared this would happen again and felt guilty worried whether she was doing well enough.

I told her that I had her back and together, we would harness our unique gifts to find new opportunities. I explained that rejection does not define our worth as individuals. I thanked her for her protective instincts and I acknowledged the role she had assumed, once entrusted to her as my guardian.

The inner work effect

None of these would be possible if I hadn’t undertaken inner work over the past few years. This involved not only educating myself on topics like understanding the workings of the ego, recognising the impact of family conditioning on our lives, and learning to acknowledge and connect with our inner shadows but also working with a coach who helped me see the forest for the trees.

Sitting with your inner self can be challenging, but ignoring unsettling emotions can make life even more difficult, as suppressed feelings tend to resurface in unexpected ways.

I always emphasise that running a successful business isn’t just about having a great marketing strategy; it also involves working on your mindset.

I’d like to share a quote from my coach:

“You can have the best strategy in the world but if your mindset isn’t up to it then you will continually sabotage yourself and hold yourself back!”

If you find yourself wrestling with self-doubt and a tendency to sabotage your own success, whether in business or relationships, I have a few simple techniques to help you navigate these uncomfortable emotions and quiet the inner critic.

1. Acknowledge your feelings and name them. Is it sadness, anger, fear? Say it out loud: “I feel sad (angry, scared).” Let these emotions be seen and accepted.
2. Explore the roots of these feelings. What recent events triggered them? Did someone say something hurtful? Are you facing a stressful situation or dealing with emotional challenges?
3. Sit with your feelings. You can meditate or write a letter from the perspective of your vulnerable self. Let this part of you express what it’s angry, sad, or scared about. Be honest. Once you finish, read the letter aloud to yourself and truly listen to your inner self’s concerns.
4. Respond from your highest self. Treat yourself with the same care, love, and attention you would offer a close friend. Provide reassurance that you’re there for your inner self and express gratitude for its efforts in protecting you from hurt, disappointment, or distress.

We often try to avoid discomfort by distracting ourselves with more enjoyable activities. However, I’ve learned that these emotions can be our greatest teachers, offering valuable insights into ourselves if we’re willing to listen.

Fear, anger, and sadness can guide us on our personal growth journey, and with a closer examination, we may uncover their profound wisdom, ultimately leading us towards a life filled with freedom, love, and fulfilment.

I encourage you to confront your “smallness,” sit with your emotions, and engage in the process of self-discovery.

With courage and curiosity, you can bridge the gap between your timid, protective guardian and your courageous, fearless warrior within.

Together, these forces are unstoppable in becoming the best version of yourself and while doing so, positively impacting the people around you.

I write about how to thrive as an introverted solopreneur. This involves not only marketing strategies aligned with our unique personalities but also working on our mindset and acknowledging that unresolved past traumas can impact how we show up in our businesses. Follow me on Medium to support my work.

As a Marketing Coach, I work with Ambitious Introverted Solopreneurs who value genuine connections and want to make a heartfelt impact without feeling overwhelmed.

Download my FREE Step-by-step Visibility Plan for Introverted Solopreneurs to get started: https://magdagradova.com/links/