I’m over it! Please can I give up now?
I’m over it. I don’t want to write this book any more. I really don’t. I’m so close to the end and the thought that I have to keep going back in and fixing this bit and that, is just too depressing.
You are nearly there, I keep telling myself — just a few more hours, days, weeks, is all you need, don’t give up now!
But I want to chuck in the towel. I want to put it in the drawer. Let one of my descendants find it after I’m gone and say — oh, what a great pity, grandma was onto something here, this would have been a great book!
I have around 70,000 words, it’s been read several times by trusted writer friends, a couple of editors even. I’ve made most of the suggested changes, but there is still one section in the end of the second act that’s still not working. I need some kind of reveal, some kind of ‘all is lost’ moment, some kind of shocking event maybe. But how to do that in memoir? How do I manipulate the truth to bring about this kind of effect?
It’s 11.07 am. I go to the kitchen to make tea. This week I have set up a new routine for myself. (It’s my old routine actually, I just had to reactivate it by giving myself a good talking to).
The rule is to be at my desk 9am — 12 noon each week day, no matter what, working on my book. That’s it. That’s all I have to do. No emails, no phone calls, no Instagram, no Facebook. I can use Google for research but nothing else. But when I am dragging the chain and searching for a way in, like today, I have permission to listen to related podcasts.
I click on the Philospher’s Zone, a fascinating talk on Robert Burton’s The Anatomy of Melancholy. I take notes, it’s very interesting though nothing I can immediately use. Next I listen to my dear friends on This Jungian Life. (I don’t know them personally but I listen to them so often they feel like my best buddies!) They are discussing creativity: ‘how ideas arise from mysterious sources yet creativity is such an intrinsically human function that Jung regarded it as one of the five instincts, together with hunger, sexuality, activity and reflection.’
I go back to the kitchen to top up my tea. It’s a well worn track. I bring my Jungian buddies with me.
Then it comes to me
—the scene I know I’ve been avoiding, a quite confronting scene, shocking even. And because I’ve been avoiding it, I’ve been avoiding not only writing but everything else that’s in the wee-bit-too-hard basket.
It’s 12 noon. My writing session is officially over, I’m tempted to keep going. Instead I make a few notes, stick to my plan and clock off.
Omg,now I feel energised and ready to tackle anything, even all those jobs around the house I’ve been putting off for ever.
But better than that, I’m so excited to get back to my desk in the morning.
Tomorrow I’ll be In Like Flynn!
The piece above is lifted from my blog called, My Mother Duras, a place I go to try out ideas, vent, scrapbook, doodle and follow the up and downs of my book in progress, currently called, Looking for Duras, Finding My Mother. I began it in 2013. Clearly it’s been a long process with big breaks when I’ve been occupied with other things but it is still my go too place when I get stuck.
If you are interested you can read my novel/ fictional memoir, Take Me To Paradise for free here on Smashwords. Based on my first trip to Bali in 2002, names and places have been changed and fictional characters created. If you have time to leave a review that would be great!. Also avail in hardcopy on Amazon and here.
Take Me To Paradise
Marilyn wakes up one morning and instead of catching the bus to work, catches a flight to Bali. But is she too late to indulge her paradise dream? And how many Western women have arrived before her falling headlong for the lush green island, its exotic culture and their attractive driver? Set in the artisan hill town of Ubud, Bali, between the Bali bombings of 2002 and 2005, Jan Cornall’s witty and insightful novel explores notions of paradise and a modern woman’s quest for meaning and passion in a post 9/11 world. Marilyn finds her paradise. But is she prepared for the demands paradise will make of her?
Jan Cornall is an Australian writer/performer /mentor who leads creativity workshops and journeys for writers and artists. A number of writers working with Jan have gone on to publish with major publishing houses.
Insta: @_writersjourney
©Jan Cornall 2021
