POST 8) Obsession categorization and style
A recurring thought or notice about myself is how I obsess over something which seems to narrow my creativity and arrange my viewing things. It’s contributing to my rigid thinking. This ties into the artist idea of having a specific style to their work. On a basic level, I have these periods of time where I might obsess over a person and Follow their approach to everything, or I might be obsessed with an action in which I would repetitively gravitate to. For example, during my big crafting phase in pre-teen years, I would have periods of time obsessed with clay making.Two weeks later now, I’m obsessed with beading. Then. I’m obsessed with mini crochet then I’m obsessed with needle felting. One month later, I’m making resin — so on so on. Only after a concrete amount of time, maybe a couple weeks or a month, it might even take a couple months later, and I need to return to a past Obsession/phase I had. Other times I might never again Go back to an obsession. My entire crafting phase or obsession is kind of gone now because I am concentrated on the performing arts. It makes me wonder if what I currently am passionate about it’s just an obsession.
In a way I’m kind of categorizing all of these periods of time and phases or emotions as obsessions. but maybe they aren’t. This tendency to classify or categorize things ties everything into a box and it makes my mind less scattered. That’s why I am talking about obsessions as a category. It goes along with my habit or way of thinking to concentrate solely on one specific moment or period of time, material, object, or place until I can completely explore it to its depth and really dive through that subject matter. Whether that be spending time with a good friend friend For a condensed period of time or making sure our relationship becomes closer, but then weeks later never texting them again — not because I didn’t like them or anything, but because I was occupied by something else.
I consistently come to this idea of change and comparison. I’ve mentioned this many times before to myself — which is that I change my mind a lot and I change what I like and what I want to do in a period of time very frequently. So that’s also why my acceleration in deciding I wanted to do the performing arts was pretty rapid and change was intense. My ideas and my goals would develop exponentially more and more. Where I am now is nowhere near where I was one or two years ago. My decision to focus and see myself as an actress for the rest of my life happened in one summer before my senior year and it just grew — that passion and openness in my mind flourished over that year. By the end of my senior year, I was still debating whether I should minor or double major in business or do some kind of sort of art/design. Now I am in 100% — all I wanna do is dance sing and perform. Anything else is just out of the picture. Comes to the big question- is this an obsession? Will it be over or is it truly that I found a connection I found in myself.
I think a part of this doubt also comes from a superficial and surface level barrier, influence, of thoughts like I want be like her I want to be like that artist I wanna do what she’s doing I want to make music like her I want to be able to perform on that stage like them. Last semester and prior I could see myself doing work and acting in American cinema, but there was still a longing and knowing that at some point I would decide to work or go back to Asia. Now I can’t even see myself in American Cinema anymore and that is messing up with my passion for acting. Makes me want to leave more and more to be in a different country that also is not heavily guided by Covid in school right now. I said this two months ago, that I’m uninspired by the work. But my dance teacher advised me that I must inspire myself and look for something that does inspire me.
I guess that is the next step!
