WP1: Designing My Identity
To say that theatre has shaped my life would be an understatement. It’s what introduced me to my closest friends, provided a “safe haven” for me to be vulnerable and open with others, and taught me my most valuable lessons. In the craving to learn more while beginning to express myself as an artist, I sought to turn my interests into more than a hobby and pursue technical theatre as a career. I learned that I had to create my own path where I could be accepted within the medium because I needed to break the stereotypes within the industry in order to become a theatrical designer capable of sharing my art. By applying a new, distinctive background within my practice, I became capable of shaping the artistic space to welcome young and female technical artists. Along the way, while designing and “escaping reality” in attempts to convey a particular message, my creative process turned into a deeper discovery of myself as I advanced and adapted with my art.
My intellectual journey started by planting roots and claiming a title that wasn’t easily earned. Gaining interest in theatre’s backstage aspects, I spent years at my local community theater participating in the various duties of their productions, eventually being hired as an “Artistic and Technical Assistant”. I struggled with feeling like a welcomed part of the theater’s creative team as a female-identifying 17-year-old who was rushing after her high school classes to show up to her shifts on time, making it difficult to earn respect from my mentors to acknowledge me as a peer in the workspace. Knowing that I had to work even harder to break the mold of being a “clueless little girl playing around with their equipment”, I began creating my own seat at the table by proving that I had the knowledge and capabilities to “keep up with the rest”. This proved to be no simple task, but one that would be necessary for me to show the others that I belonged there.
My desire to practice everything in order to find tools I could use to propel myself forward within the industry provided a power to develop other creative aspects of myself. I had an interest in computer science from a young age and when I chose to pursue theatrical design, I never thought it would be crucial to the art form besides programming cues. However, with the introduction of computer intelligence within theaters, “the use of a computer in integrated media performance posed a set of fruitful design/direction questions, rather than merely a question pertaining to the ‘legitimacy’ of the computer’s function” (Lovell). I experienced this first-hand last year, when I was able to work with other young theatrical designers to create an online interactive experience called Knave of Hearts. This experience not only showcased that my interest in utilizing computer science with theatre was possible to pursue, but it proved that my “undesirable skills” would be quite useful in the future.
Through learning to embrace different artforms and adapt them to my creative vision, I was able to develop an artistic style that would only further evolve. With the ability to practice and hone in on my craft, I was given the materials necessary to experiment, become familiar with the equipment, and develop my unique style which I would apply to each production. This creative freedom allowed me to seize the opportunity to make my artistic messages more effective, making me stronger as a designer when looking for my next project. By understanding the mechanics behind my practice, it became easier to explain, manifest and accomplish.
Once I discovered what I loved, I wasn’t going to let anyone shame me away from it, especially individuals that weren’t aware of the type of effort I was putting forward. This became extremely difficult to battle, as the various parts of my intersectional identity were used in attempts to undervalue my work. Computer programmers and tech-heads thought I was a “silly theatre kid that coded for fun on her time off”. I worked with actors, directors and other theatre members that didn’t want me there, that thought my work was useless, and didn’t understand what could be told with the smallest detail. I quickly learned that it was okay to be humbled by my “colleagues” because it only further motivated me to let my work speak for itself, meaning I had to put as much effort forward as I could to become an artistic force they couldn’t ignore.
As the only female designer in the room, I had to invest even more time into my designs to “meet the standards” of the male coworkers I worked with. I was surprised to learn I wasn’t the only one that felt alone and outnumbered, but that “gender disparity in theater design fields still exists today, preventing women from growing and maintaining a job in this field” (Valesky). These experiences would explain why the professional female sound and lighting designers make up less than 20% of New York’s theatre industry (League of Professional Theatre Women). However, instead of letting these statistics veer me away from my art-form, I wished to continue to break modern barriers within the theater industry by putting extra energy into my work to show how I was more than capable of rising to the occasion as a young female designer.
Recently, as the arts industry took a massive hit due to COVID-19, I was forced to seriously consider if I should continue to follow my theatrical interests as I entered USC. After losing my job and ability to create in my developed medium, waiting to return made me question what it was all for and why I still wanted to pursue it. Even after working so hard to be accepted within the space, I’d still have to go through the grueling process of working long nights and weekends for my work to “disappear” when the curtain closed just to do it all over again. At its highest recognition, it’s still the Tony that’s given out during the commercial break with no screen time. It was only after looking at photos of my work that I remembered that it was never about an award. I was designing to discover myself through this thrilling art form and create work that transcended myself. Without it, I wouldn’t have acknowledged nor embraced my diligence, my determination, my fearlessness, my sensitivities and my passion to create.
Gaining the confidence to continue my career as an artist and my journey as a creative intellectual allowed me to truly embrace the progress I’ve made in my field while encouraging the changes in store for the future. Through finding who I was based on this “designer identity” and continuing to practice, I was able to determine that I learn through hands-on experience, that I tend to overthink the simplest of details, that I tend to search for “logical approaches” in achieving creativity, that ideas “outside the box” were the ones that made my projects unique and identifiable, and that my best ideas come when they’re least expected. Over a year later, I’m curious to get back into a theater and see how the medium has personally changed after months of character development away from the light.
My personal experience within the world of technical theatre not only serves to prove how women can continue to exceed expectations when given the opportunity to succeed, but it illustrates how I was able to excel by creating the best version of myself possible. Without a passion for my art and dedication to prove that I was more than capable to tackle my role as a theatrical designer, I wouldn’t have gotten my first job, my connections and my ability to develop a portfolio that would get me into a school and program I couldn’t imagine actually being admitted into. I hope that my experience as a young female innovator within the technical theatre community motivates others to see what unorthodox learning style speaks to them, to chase their dreams, to avoid holding back their creativity and to prove their critics that they’re capable of accomplishing anything they set their mind to. In the meantime, I’ll continue to create any way that I can until those theater doors open once again.
Works Cited:
Lovell, Robb E. Computer Intelligence in the Theater, Institute for Studies in the Arts, Arizona State University, www.intelligentstage.com/papers/cit/cit.html.
Service, Capital News. “Theater Women Discuss Gender Gap in Sound, Lighting Design.” Medium, Medium, 5 May 2019, medium.com/@vcucns/theater-women-discuss-gender-gap-in-sound-lighting-design-aa0ee63f3e4e.
Valesky, Madison M. “Gender Disparity of Women in Theatre Design .” GENDER DISPARITY OF WOMEN IN THEATRE DESIGN, University of Central Florida, 2020.
