WP4: Wearing my Heart on my Fingers
I’ve been called a silent nun, a ninja, and a robot. This comes from a teasing exchange between my siblings and I, all fun and games. For as funny as their jokes were, I knew it was true, just as the saying goes “all good jokes contain true shit.” I never really was one to express excitement or sorrow in events and experiences. I simply remained calm and still. I always found it difficult to show my emotions to others. Holding back these feelings seemed easier to display, plus I felt cool being so calm. As I grew up I started understanding the importance of releasing our emotions and being as unapologetically yourself as possible. The only issue was, I didn’t know how to.
Not too long ago mi Tio Hector (mi abuela’s brother) passed away in Mexico due to health issues. Mi bueli (abuela) and dad went to visit him before his passing, breaking the news to us when it happened. I still remember the setting, it was around 9 o’clock at my Tia’s house when my mom received the call and broke the news to the rest of us. I saw my Tia trembling in sorrow, my siblings in tears, my dad with a broken voice, and my grandma absolutely petrified. But I could not cry. I stood there as a silent nun, a ninja, a robot. I justified my rejection of emotions as being the needed anchor in the room. I needed to become the source of calm and voice of reasoning we all needed. This is nothing new either, just a product of my introverted and shy nature.
I thought that if I waited until midnight when everyone was asleep, I would be able to mourn his passing and release my emotions, something I much needed. Again, I could not cry. I began to feel confused and frustrated because I normally tear up while watching movies or hearing stories, but not when I undergo personal experiences. Later that night I began to express my frustrations with a friend of mine, explaining the situation, the reaction of my family, and stories of mi Tio. It was at that moment, my rant through iMessage, where I finally found some tears. By effortlessly putting my emotions in a text bubble I was able to unlock those trapped emotions. I was finally able to find a space where I can wear my heart on my sleeve, or rather wear my heart on my fingers. It was in that moment where I learned how to finally express my emotions, through the role of writing.
Now that I understood how to best channel and display my emotions, all I needed to do was to execute. However, I found writing this way easier said than done. I found it extremely difficult to display my emotion and identity in writing, especially in the dull and boring academic essays that plagued high school. Because opportunities for creative/introspective writing were so far and few in between, I steadily relied on text messages as this channeling tool. As the second semester of college neared and class registration opened I saw a writing 150 class with my favorite theme, education. I knew that going in, I really wanted to change my writing to display more emotion and reject some of the writing norms we’ve fallen prisoner to.
As this semester progressed, I really fell in love with this idea of “code-meshing” and writing with my heart on my fingers. Code-meshing, largely associated with Vershawn Ashanti Young, is the intentional fusion of dialects and colloquialisms in your pieces of writing and or conversations, no matter the audience. I try embodying this concept in all my WP’s, post, and freewriting spaces but I really used this code-meshing concept as the backbone of my WP2. In my WP2, I uncover the reflective moments that stem from our dialogue with others. I wrote each post with the dialect I use in that situation, for example, I used a more “spanglish” approach in my post about my family because that’s how I talk with them. After completing my WP2, I had this feeling of control over my writing, for the first time. I had control because I had the freedom and encouragement to express myself in a more truthful and vulnerable way. This truth and vulnerability transcended into a more emotionally honest voice in my writing and in myself, displayed in one of my posts.
After WP2, I uploaded a post on Medium titled “Post: The Significance of Paper” where I express my frustrations with our unhealthy appraisal of a college degree. In the post, I explain that my dad had lost his job due to his lack of education (only obtaining a high school degree) which spiraled me down an emotional path of frustration. As soon as I heard the news I frantically grabbed my computer, opened google docs, and began typing. I zoned everything out and put all my emotions into my fingers. I tried expressing my frustration through the use of rhetorical questions I asked myself and asked the reader. Questions that may guide the reader into understanding my headspace and my frustrations with the situation. My expression didn’t stop there either as it spread out into the physical world. Instead of remaining emotionless, as I usually do, I was nothing but emotional. My emotions were so prominent that my dad even had to ask me to calm down, in a baffled voice because of my abnormal display of emotion.
As I was writing, and as I was expressing myself, I felt so fucking good. It was as if weights were removed from my tired shoulders every time I expressed my emotions. So much weight was being lifted that I felt like I was floating. I mean who knew? I surely didn’t know. I would never have thought that being a more emotionally honest, vulnerable, and truthful human being would reveal all the negative experiences caused by shielding our emotions. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still an unexpressive individual but not nearly as unexpressive as I was before. This change was made possible and realized through the spaces created in writing. Within this space, I squeeze all my emotions into my fingers and allow them to do the rest.
Works Cited
Allen, Sydney. Vershawn Ashanti Young, Rhetoric Professor https://oberlinreview.org/14756/news/vershawn-ashanti-young-rhetoric-professor/. Accessed 7 May 2021.
Borjas, Diego. “The Significance of Paper.” Medium, Medium, 25 Apr. 2021, https://dborjas.medium.com/the-significance-of-paper-d800866f2f5e. Accessed 7 May 2021.
Borjas, Diego. “This Is My ‘Plug Talk.’” Medium, WP2: This Is My “Plug Talk”, 25 Apr. 2021, https://medium.com/wp2-this-is-my-plug-talk/this-is-my-plug-talk-943f562520a5. Accessed 7 May 2021.
