“71 percent of high school dropouts are fatherless; fatherless children have more trouble academically, scoring poorly on tests of reading, mathematics, and thinking skills; children from father-absent homes are more likely to play truant from school, more likely to be excluded from school, more likely to leave school at age 16, and less likely to attain academic and professional qualifications in adulthood)” — Children’s Bureau, 2022
I didn’t always have both of my parents growing up — it was mainly just my mom due to the absence of my father. While the quote above demonstrates the negative effects that can occur when having an absent father, this wasnt the case for me: it was my motivation to succeed.
Back in pre-school, I got picked up by my aunts and uncles at 3 pm on the dot because my mom was busy working. I didn’t really find that to be weird because seeing my friends get picked up by their mother, I didn’t really see many father figures present. Even going to my bestfriend Kristina’s house her mom was always the one to drop us off and take us places, demonstrating the lack of a father figure. Growing up and seeing the lack of father presence around me, although I recognized that I didn’t have that father figure in my life I didn’t feel like It was important being as though there weren’t many father figure representations that I had seen growing up.
5th grade. Father-daughter dance. In 5th grade as I was heading out to look for my aunt who was picking me up Ms. Amy handed me a flyer. On that flyer, it stated that my school was hosting a father-daughter dance on September 8. The fact that the dance was solely for fathers implied that having a father-figure present in your life is essential and important for a young girl like me. As I grew up, it was events like these that started to get me to question if having a father figure is an essential key in forming my identity.
My feelings towards having a father-figure present in my life definitely had changed. At the beginning of my life, I thought not having a father was a bad thing and would only lead me in a bad direction but then I found out this was not the case. At around 16 years old I was doing okay for the most part but decided since I never had that father figure role model present in my life that I would be that for my younger siblings. I used this as my motivation to be better and be nothing but successful. I earned a scholarship to play collegiate soccer while maintaining above a 3.5 GPA and I felt like I had finally found myself. This was nevertheless something I did on my own I used the absence of my father as a motivation for my success, not only my success but also my younger siblings because now they have someone to look up to. This outcome for some people would’ve taken a turn for the worse because their not able to find the strength to push through without the presence of both parents. For myself, I was able to find that with self-motivation I am now proud of my identity and who I became even with going through adversity. Yes having both parents shapes identity through culture as everyone has a backstory, but I honestly think nothing compares to someone who cares about even if the case might be just one parent because you still have family, and nothing compares to family. A lot of people think that way and therefore form their identity around those close, beloved relationships.
After looking back at my life experience I wanted to see if other people had different perspectives on the idea that absent fathers affect their children’s identities. Pertaining to my project I interviewed 2 different girls with different family structures and asked questions about how the absence of a father can change the dynamics of how a child goes about life.
Interview questions
- How do you think a child is affected when they grow up without a parent?
2. What was your family structure growing up? do you think you’d be the same person if one parent was absent in your life?
3. How does your family shape your identity?
4. As you grow up does the role of your family change if so how?
PERSON 1:
How do you think a child is affected when they grow up without a parent?
Person 1: I think it can be hard for young children growing up because it is so easy to compare your family situation to your friend’s ‘situations and wonder why yours is different. My mom spent her teenage years with just her mom, and not having her dad around affected her self-esteem and was something she had to really work on as she grew up. But it definitely made her a very strong and independent person.
What was your family structure growing up? do you think you’d be the same person if one parent was absent in your life?
My parents got divorced when I was in second grade, so I was old enough to know and remember what it was like to have both of them together in the same house and I was also old enough to be hurt by it. My youngest brother was only a baby so he didn’t know any other way, which I think in some ways would be better. I am lucky that I have both parents in my life, but it still led to many difficult situations as I grew up. Going back and forth between two homes makes a child become very used to change but it’s just a different dynamic that takes a lot of time to get used to. It definitely impacted who I am today and I think made me a much stronger person who knows how to adapt and maintain my own stability even when other parts of life don’t always feel stable. But I am sure that I would be different in some ways if I did not have both parents around for me.
How does your family shape your identity?
I think your family shapes a lot of your identity, and as you get older you can choose if you want it to be in a positive way or a negative way. When you’re younger you may be unaware, but I think as you grow up it is helpful to reflect on how different parts of your family have shaped you. Sometimes I think about things I have in common with my mom or dad, like traits or habits I know I got from them, whether it be from nature or nurture, and for the most part I love having these things that I share with them. When I think about things that I love, most of them are things that I love because of my family. My dad’s side of the family is Italian and I think growing up always having huge, loud family gatherings have certainly become part of my identity and something I love so much. My mom is so calm and compassionate and I know those are traits I got from her and my identity wouldn’t be the same if I didn’t have her guiding me as I grew up.
As you grow up does the role of your family change if so how?
I think the role of your family does change but for me, it stays equally important. I found that when I moved away from LA to New York, I quickly realized being far from my family just did not work for me. I was so used to always having them close to me and being far from them impacted my overall happiness. Even as an adult I find that I need my parents for so many things, whether it be advice or just help with random things. But I also feel that we are more like friends now which is really nice. And I am fortunate that even though they are divorced, my parents have always prioritized my brothers and me.
PERSON 2:
How do you think a child is affected when they grow up without a parent?
I think language development, social skills, and feelings of safety are all affected a child grows up without a parent. It seems one parent is having to overcompensate for the lack of presence from the other mother/ father figure and might be stretched which could affect the child’s quality of life. I read in a study once done on parenting and childhood development, scientists researched literacy rates within children with two parents, and children with just one. The children that had one parent were only spoken to half as much as the ones with two parents which affected their ability to read and write as toddlers. Assuming a parent is invested in the success of their childlike they’re supposed to be, having two people to do this is much more effective than just one. However, this is not to say that a single parent means the child will suffer, or be less successful, intelligent, happy or anything. In many ways good things can come from it; for example, extended family being more involved in their lives, like a grandparent stepping in to play that role. Obviously having two people, whether it be two dads, two moms, or a mom and a dad in your life is better than just one for the child but that doesn’t mean that those two people have to be biological parents because sometimes biological moms and dads are horrible people to their children and god mothers and god fathers have to step in. So while it’s an advantage to have the two for the child , If it’s not the case it just means that the mom or dad may have to do extra work or put extra time in to provide in a way that would come for two parents and the child will have to adjust.
What was your family structure growing up? do you think you’d be the same person if one parent was absent in your life?
I grew up in a family of four with my mom, my dad, and my brother. We’ve always been very tight and loving and I’m thankful for that. I most definitely would not be the same person if one parent was absent in my life, maybe for the worse maybe for the better, there’s not way to know really but I’m guessing it’d be worse. I do feel like my parents always being there and showing up for me gave me security and when it comes to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, self esteem and self — actualization can only come after that basic level of safety and security and a feeling of belonging (which also comes from family )is found, so having that security to rely on from home life was really helpful when I was insecure in elementary and middle school. They also showed me a model for love because my parents have always been in a very healthy relationship which will be useful later in life. and they’ve helped me through things, individually, that I would only go to my mom for something and vise versa with my dad. Like there’s certain things that only my mom could do for me or guide me through and the other way around and I feel like I couldn’t have certain problems if it weren’t for my mom or dad in separate situations. But my whole life has been involving my mom and dad so it goes without saying things would be different if one of them passed away or something.
How does your family shape your identity?
Family shapes your identity in many ways, most of the time going unnoticed. For example, all the inside jokes or things that go unsaid but are just understood because you’ve known each other for so long. There are also many morals that you subconsciously cary with you through life that have been instilled through family values and tradition.
As you grow up does the role of your family change if so how?
Yes, as one grows up that role of family changes. I think family starts as a safety net function when you’re young; your family members guide you in the right direction and show you the ins and outs of the world, right vs wrong etc. Then their role turns disciplinary and sometimes distant yet still important. Then by the time teenage years pass and adulthood comes, family becomes a source of approval and people you can lean on for approval and advise. An example of how it changed for me would be : my mom and I used to have so many heated arguments and screaming matches. Now, she’s my best friend and I tell her everything and the last time we were ever mad at each other was probably high school. I couldn’t imagine us in a better relationship right now but I would never think that’s be the case had someone asked me a couple years ago. Similar to me and my brother because we used to be so caught up in our own lives and rarely hangout but now when I come home from college I’m always with him and it makes me happy we’re closer now because we used to be super tight until we got to high school. I think family roles change based on the place people are in life. And while family relationships evolve and the role of a mother — daughter, sibling- sibling may change, the unconditional love will hopefully be a constant.
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