Aaliyah Farmer
Professor Dissinger
Writ 150
April 15, 2022
WP3
Many can say they grew up with both parents and had an amazing childhood, but this wasn’t the case for me. Though I had an amazing mother who was able to fill the role of my absent father, I still felt that void I was missing throughout my childhood and questioned if it was an essential key to finding out who I am. I often questioned myself asking if my father were to have been present throughout my life would my identity still be the same? The truth is I had no clue. I tend to believe all things have a purpose and everything that happens to us is to help us find out who we truly are. This wasn’t until I was introduced to soccer, which taught me that I can overcome what happened in my childhood. Therefore both playing soccer and the absence of my father gave me the skills of resilience, bravery, maturity, and most importantly development to help me become who I am today; a successful soccer player.
How, you ask? Not having a father figure present in my life from the start made me doubt myself a lot and made me feel unwanted.. From this point on some may take the turn for the worst and not care, but my younger siblings are what kept me going as the oldest, I knew I had to be the example my father couldn’t be for me and show them to be nothing but successful. I found this to be the case because I took a tragic event and turned it into my motivation to help me succeed. As stated in Absent Fathers: Effects on Abandoned Sons, “The prevalence of absent fathers across class and ethnic categories suggests that this social problem afflicts many families with profound emotional, developmental, educational, and legal consequences for the abandoned sons” (Balcom 283). This quote shows that not having a father figure likely could affect children’s developmental issues. However, some children use extracurricular activities or sports to help provide comfort and an extended family.
Everyone has an escape and mine so happens to be soccer. Soccer for me was a way to distract myself from my adverse childhood experiences. For example, it was activities like the father daughter dance that made me feel unwanted. Not being able to participate in moments like these not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t have a choice made me question my self-worth. This is where soccer played a big role in my life, being able to feel wanted and having father figure like coaches helped me grow and find my self-worth. A second example of how soccer helped as an escape from my adverse childhood experiences is being the oldest and not having someone to look up to, to guide me in the right direction. Soccer gave me that comfort and allowed me to feel connected to people older than me being as though I had older girls on my team that felt like older sisters. It wasn’t the fact that my older teammates had absent fathers, it was the fact that we all shared one similar thing and that was the passion for soccer and this is what made it feel normal to me. Easterlin states, “ Among those with ACEs, team sports participation during adolescence was significantly associated with lower odds of receiving a diagnosis of depression” (Easterlin et al). This shows that sports are one way to help adolescents while they are dealing with tragedies in their life. Soccer also distracted me from this tragic event which really helped me along the way. Kleppang states, “Physical activity in a sports club was associated with significantly lower odds for symptoms of depression, suggesting a possible role for social interaction in addition to physical activity per se”(Kleppang, et al). This shows that sports in general are a good way to distract someone who maybe has depression or even has been through a tragic event in their life. For many people distractions help relieve stress, some might go for a jog, play sports, watch a movie or even read a book. These are just some of the many things people might do when thee are stressed or anxious.
Identity is the key to finding out who someone really is or even finding out who you really are. Identity is very special because it is something you seek to find on your own, not something someone gives to you. Soccer was a main part of my identity. It was a form of therapy that allowed me to grow despite my situation at home. My coaches gave me the strength to continue to keep growing by showing me what having a father is like. Chan states, “among these young athletes, a positive social influence (i.e., environments emphasizing effort and improvement) from coaches predicted self-reported effort,” (Chan et al, 559). This shows that having that positive influence provides a comforting environment for kids who don’t have that at home. Coach Andy is an example of someone who showed me what it’s like to have a father. He provided me comfort and gave me the inspiration to continue being me. Together, both soccer and the help from my coach helped me deal with my situation at home, and all three of these key events in my life helped me find my identity to shape who I am today.
Many people believe that children who grow up with a missing parent often take the wrong paths. Take Geller for example, he states, “but also for several measures of pre-incarceration child development and family fixed effects. We find significant increases in aggressive behaviors and some evidence of increased attention problems among children whose fathers are incarcerated” (Geller et al 49). This shows that children with incarcerated fathers tend to have developmental problems like being more aggressive in their behavior. But this doesn’t mean that the outcome is going to be a lifelong effect, because this was definitely not the case for me. It is hard to pinpoint how I felt, but at times I felt angry. Not just angry at my father but angry at myself. I felt angry at myself because I wondered if I had done something to cause the absence of my father but later found out that It was choices he made himself. My mental toughness played a big role in how I overcame the negative effects brought on me. By using soccer it allowed me to bring out the self-compassion I didnt know I had in me. Forgiving my father was a big part of what helped me find that self-compassion and allowed me to move forward. I was so invested in soccer at the time of these events that I found myself actually being quite good, good enough to earn a scholarship to play division 1 soccer. It was moments like these that truly embarked that everything I did growing up helped make me the person I am today. Even though I had an adverse childhood growing up, the outcome still turned out to be good because I can truly say that I am proud of who I am today.
Today, I would say I am a successful person. I tend to find that this tragic event that occurred in my past is my motivation now for everything I do. It doesn’t bother nor does it bring me down. Schwartz talks about how the lack of a father-figure presence can affect the child in a bad way, but the child can obtain the strength to be able to cope with the outcome and heal from it. Schwartz states, “disappointments of daughters who lack a father figure … daughters can break out of idealizations, betrayals, abandonments and losses to move towards repair and renewal“ (2020, p.2). Not everyone deals with things the same. Some would have a hard time coping with this and some may not. In this example, it shows that you can take something so negative and bad and still grow from it. I didn’t expect the outcome of where I am today. If you would have asked me 10 years ago where I would see myself in the future, I wouldn’t think to say playing college soccer at USC. This goes to show how far along I came even after going through my adverse childhood.
One way that helped me repair and renew was being able to look up to someone similar to me with the same background. This, someone, was Sydney Leroux. In the article, “15 athletes who were abandoned by their parents’ ‘ writer Steven Atkinsons states, “ Sydney Leroux is an Olympic Gold Medalist. Her father, Ray Chadwick, former Major League baseball player, was absent throughout most of Sydney’s life. Her mother, Sandi, had to raise her daughter alone. Sydney would grow up to be one of the best soccer players in the world.” Sydney Leroux had to grow up on her own very fast being as though her father left her mother when she was just three months pregnet with Sydney. Not only did I share a similar upbringing with Sydney, but I also shared the fact that she’s biracial. In a past interview, Sydney shared how she wanted to be a role model for little biracial girls growing up due to the fact that she didn’t have one growing up for her. Sydney fulfills her dreams and aspirations through me because I myself look up to her. Sydney also alluded to the fact that at times she would look at her skin color and questioned herself on why she looked different, but later came to a realization that instead of questioning and wondering why she was the way she was instead embraced it because it is such a beautiful thing. This is the message Sydney wants to show young biracial girls growing up and this is the message I got from her.
If I think ahead on where I see myself in the future, I’d have to say playing soccer and graduating college. If I didn’t have the motivation and mental toughness that I gained from my childhood experience I wouldn’t have a clear and focused plan for my future ahead. If I didn’t have someone like Sydney Leroux to relate back to I don’t think I would have the desire to want to play soccer after college. My dream when I leave college is to continue playing soccer professionally and maybe even start my own family. These dreams and aspirations I have for myself don’t just come to me without the motivation I earned for myself. When I move into the age of being an adult and having my own responsibilities and hopefully even having kids, I want to be seen as someone who is very charismatic and puts others before them. Looking back on my adverse childhood I feel as though my father didn’t show me what it’s like to really care about someone or even put others before himself as though he wast there for me when I needed him.
My long term goal in life is to eventually play professional soccer. In the beginning soccer was just used as my way to escape what was going on in my life, but now it has become my full identity and my happy place. Soccer has stuck with me from the beginning and has given me the opportunity to use it as a coping mechanism. My short term goal is simply to graduate college. Being the oldest of 4 girls has shown me how to set the correct example for my younger siblings. It is a big part of my identity today because it defines how I demonstrate maturity. I wasn’t the only one dealing with this tragic event my younger siblings had to go through the same thing. I knew that I was someone they really looked up to so me showing them that everything is fine made it easier for them to get through it.
Playing soccer and the absence of my father gave me the traits and tools to become who I am today, a successful soccer player. You can make something that’s negative and turn it into something positive which ties back to how identity is malleable because you have the power to change it. This is what makes your identity so important, it’s the fact that you are the only one responsible for it. Identity changes as you grow because you experience different things and some things affect you differently. Overall Im proud of my identity today and it will only inevitably continue to change.
Work Cited
Atkinson, S. (2018, January 8). 15 athletes who were abandoned by their parent(s). TheSportster. Retrieved April 15, 2022, from https://www.thesportster.com/entertainment/15-athletes-who-were-abandoned-by-their-parents/
Balcom, Dennis A. “Absent fathers: effects on abandoned sons.” The Journal of Men’s Studies, vol. 6, no. 3, spring 1998, pp. 283+. Gale In Context: College, link.gale.com/apps/doc/A20869562/GPS?u=usocal_main&sid=bookmark-GPS&xid=c50c74d8. Accessed 5 Apr. 2022.
Chan, D.K., Lonsdale, C. and Fung, H.H. (2012), Influences of coaches, parents, and peers on the motivational patterns of child and adolescent athletes. Scandinavian Journal of Medicine & Science in Sports, 22: 558–568. https://doi-org.libproxy1.usc.edu/10.1111/j.1600-0838.2010.01277.x
Easterlin, Molly C et al. “Association of Team Sports Participation With Long-term Mental Health Outcomes Among Individuals Exposed to Adverse Childhood Experiences.” JAMA pediatrics vol. 173,7 (2019): 681–688. doi:10.1001/jamapediatrics.2019.1212
Geller, Amanda, et al. “Beyond Absenteeism: Father Incarceration and Child Development.” Demography, vol. 49, no. 1, 2012, pp. 49–76, http://www.jstor.org/stable/41408219. Accessed 7 Apr. 2022.
Kleppang, Annette Lavheim, et al. “The association between physical activity and symptoms of depression in different contexts — a cross-sectional study of Norwegian adolescents.” BMC Public Health, vol. 18, no. 1, 12 Dec. 2018. Gale In Context: Environmental Studies, link.gale.com/apps/doc/A569030056/GRNR?u=usocal_main&sid=bookmark-GRNR&xid=be6f28b5. Accessed 7 Apr. 2022.
Schwartz, S.E. (2020). The Absent Father Effect on Daughters: Father Desire, Father Wounds (1st ed.). Routledge. https://doi-org.libproxy1.usc.edu/10.4324/9780429343728
