Asynch Tuesday: Chaos
9:30am:
Ah, yes. After a long night of rest—including sleeping through my alarm—I wake up to beautiful sound of sirens and yelling outside of my window. I stretch, roll over, and sit up—only to lay back down again, because I’m still fucking exhausted. It totally makes sense that after a full eight hours of sleep, I rise feeling absolutely no relief or respite or recharge from the day before.
It’s honestly disheartening going to bed in a run-down and ruffled state, praying viciously that tonight will be the night you feel refreshed in the morning, only to wake up the exact same way you were before. Especially as a college student, and a STEM major at that, I need some type of energy to be able to successfully finish all my work for the day, which is why I’m always behind. My mind is tired, my body hates me, and my spirit is somewhat disconnected from it all.
As I write, I imagine from an outsider point of view this looks pretty dismal. Things aren’t actually so bad—I think I’m just a pessimist when I’m all cozy in my blankets and dreading the act of getting up and walking across campus. And usually, once I get up, wash my face, brush my teeth, and ready myself for the day, both physically and mentally, I’m an overall happy camper. I like to believe I’ve been perseverant through this seemingly endless exhaustion—holding on to that is all I need to get through every day.
And, I’m hopeful it’s going to get better—both throughout just today, and the days to come.
2:24pm Check In:
I normally love the sunlight, but this cloudy, faded weather is providing me with a sense of calm. After the frustration of this morning, ballet at Kaufman grounded me, and lunch energized me somewhat. I took a moment to myself while listening to the hum of my air humidifier infused with a soothing lavender scent and the lofi background music coming out of my speaker. The energy surrounding me at the moment has eased me beyond relief.
In contrast to this morning, I feel like I could maybe be productive for the next couple of hours. Taking that minute of reflection on my day so far has somehow quieted my mind and thoughts. Instead of the exhausted anger I felt earlier today, I am now emanating a… chill vibe. If I’m being completely honest, this chill vibe is making my mental state a lot… better. I knew I could hope for better today.
12:00 am My Elder:
Dear Future Self,
Another day, another night, another attempt at getting rest. The monotony gets to you. One of my best friends actually explained to me that the reason the weeks have been going by so fast is because of the routine we all have that stays so much the same for five days straight, with the weekends being the only variety. Where I was tired this morning and calm in the afternoon, I now feel a sort of longing for something a little more than this.
I know this feelings is probably caused by the existentialism I usually experience as I lay in bed and think about nothing and everything, but I’m hoping that you, myself in the future, are doing something worth your time and money. Or at least having fun. I would be content with that.
These monotonous days make me look forward to what is to come — this summer, after college, and maybe beyond that. Where I have freedom in my days and life to do what I feel is best for me and the world, instead of being confined to this schedule.
I understand that school is important, don’t get me wrong, but as I type this out and listen to my fan create background noise, I just want more.
My thoughts have just been a range of chaos today.
Sincerely,
Shayna
