ASYNCH TUESDAY: Case of the Downs
9:48 am:
Words: Sick, Nausea, Stress, Mother, Physical Training, Tired, Worry, Homesick, Covid, Breakfast, Procrastination
My day started at 6:00 AM. I am jolted awake by a blaring alarm clock that forces me to get up and start my day. I have to report to the PED by 6:55 for my mandatory ROTC physical training session, but my mind tells me to hit snooze. Overwhelmingly tired, the dark and cool atmosphere of my room lulls me back to sleep, just for a couple more minutes, “you have time.” I fight the urge to get back on my bed when I realize I feel off. Sick to be exact. A wave of nausea washes over me. My mind first races to the possibility that I have Covid. Quickly scheduling a covid test, I decide not to go to my training session.
I start my walk, taking small cautious steps in order to drop off my covid test scheduled for 7:00 am, relishing in the cool air. I make sure to take my time, registering the environment surrounding me. Taking deep breaths, my hopes for a therapeutic walk are kicked aside once I begin to worry. I had procrastinated the night before and was unable to catch up on my work. I have not had a break from stress in the last two weeks.
Am I feeling homesick? I had bragged to my friends how I had not come down with a case of homesickness since moving to California for college, but I cannot help but feel dismal. I need to call my mother soon.
Maybe I should eat breakfast?
1:30 pm:
Words: Guilt, Discombobulated, Productivity, Leadership, Nervous, Deadline, Shower, Outside
I woke up discombobulated, sleeping in an odd position in my dorm bed. I still feel tired and sick. Looking at the time, I realize that I had slept through my two classes today. I try not to feel too much guilt; after all, I have been sick all day today. For some reason, I cannot shake the feeling. I need to get out of my apartment for a bit and do some work. My productivity level has reached an all-time low.
Looking at the clock again, time is passing too quickly for me to find a cadence to follow along. I remember that I have a large leadership position within ROTC this week. I have a deadline to meet. Time is passing, but I cannot get started. Forcefully peeling myself out of my dining room chair, I take a shower. If I am going to make it outside today, a shower should quell the nasty feelings looming within my stomach… and maybe drink some water.
10:46 pm:
Words: Vulnerable, Love, Heartbreak, Solitude, Best Friend
Dear Elder,
I miss you so much that I cannot put into words how much I long to be in your embrace. It is funny how it took time and distance away from you to teach me how to be vulnerable and open my heart up to you and the people I love most. I think about you every day: when I wake up, when I am walking to my classes, and when I am going to sleep.
I want you to know how much I truly appreciate you. You know I am not the type of person who is good at showing affection, but I would like to show you now how time has changed things.
With each passing day, I think of our conversations. You made me feel like I was able to tell you anything and everything. I miss our jokes and your speeches of encouragement. It is on days like this where I wish I had my best friend right next to me.
I think of the food you cooked me. Coming home from a long day of school and a laborious shift to devour foods that only remind me of you.
It pains me that I walked away from our shared latitude, leaving you to face your obstacles and feelings of solitude all alone.
I miss you more than ever. I now know feelings similar to the heartbreak you felt when I walked away from you a month ago.
