ASYNCH TUESDAY: Dharma

2:00 PM

Decisions. My entirety of the college experience, up till this point, has been a sequence of decisions. Should I go to my gym appointment today, or should I skip it to study for Thursday’s math quiz? Should I go out with my friends Thursday night? I’ve always wanted to explore LA and take a few steps off the USC campus- but I’m scared. My parents were strict growing up, and to an extent they still are. They advise against going out at night off campus, especially in downtown LA, but there’s the classic situation of- all my friends are going? They are, that’s true. But I don’t know why such a little decision of what to do Thursday night feels so confusing. I want to blow off steam after my math test and I’d really love to explore off campus seeing the city light up at night. But somehow just doing that feels like I’m betraying my parents’ trusts, as my mom, a chronic worrier, is probably at home wondering about my safety while my dad tracks my location every few minutes to make sure I haven’t lost my way and ended up in San Francisco. To be fair, the first time I explored outside I ended up lost downtown with 3% phone battery and no cash.

Growing up, most of us are shielded from the reality of our decisions. The simplest things such as what to eat or when to study are taken care of by routines and schedules established by my parents. Home is 50 miles away now, and I’ve come to realize firsthand that my decisions, most of the time, have immediate consequences. If I choose to skip studying to hang out with friends, ultimately I feel the blow of this as my test grades slip and I spend the next few weeks working consecutively to bring it back up.

Freedom is great, but it comes with so much responsibility. In this context, I wonder if freedom is really free- am I ever free from the consequences of my own actions, even when I’m not required to answer to anyone? So far, I think the answer is no.

6 PM

Sleep tired God me notebook linear algebra midterm quiz folder organization integrity relief warm fall pumpkin desk leaves Village pillow dog stuffed animal anxious work joy

I sit at my desk in my dorm, surrounded by the piled yellow notebooks and folders for my Linear Algebra class, some of the papers with dried tears on them. My laptop sits ajar, several tabs detailing my classes’ midterm policies and schedules open. My bed is next to me, looking inviting with the plush pillows and my stuffed dog- I’m really tired from all the studying and could definitely use some sleep. A framed photo of the Hindu God Ganesh sits on my desk reminding me of my roots and reminding me to complete my work with integrity and effort. I think a lot about Hinduism and my life in relation to these values instilled in me growing up.

One of the key aspects of Hinduism is Dharma- one’s duty. It’s impossible to live a blessed and successful life without fulfilling the duty that one is born on Earth to do- and it changes over time. Right now, my dharma comes from the different identities I’ve taken on as a college student, a daughter, a friend, a club member, an organization leader, a cousin, and an intern. I try to fulfill these roles to the best of my ability knowing that this effort is enough- I don’t need perfection.

I’ve heard the phrase “Perfection is a killer of joy”- and I’ve never agreed with it, but I’m beginning to see the virtues of abandoning ideas of perfectionism. The desire to achieve high and fulfill my Dharma stays within me, but I am starting to see the demerits of expecting higher and higher of myself and my work, to the point where I am never satisfied.

I’ve also begun to realize the beauty in finding joy in the ordinary. Last Friday, I went to Trader Joes in the Village where I live, and bought a pumpkin just because fall is my favorite season. I love seeing the leaves on the trees outside turn a golden brown hue as the air becomes cooler and pumpkin spice flavors grace coffee shops. Taking a moment to buy this pumpkin and keep it on my desk made a difference for me- just reminding myself that although fall is a stressful, stressful time filled with anxiety (last year about college applications, this year about midterms and clubs), one thing that will not change is the simplicity of life and seasons. No matter what’s happening, I can always bank on the beauty of autumn.

11:02 PM

Dear Elder Madhu,

I hope you’re happy, and I hope you’re successful, and I hope that you are thriving with your family.

I think about you a lot- every day in fact. I work hard every day, whether that is through pushing myself when I work out or staying up late to study for my quiz, to make sure that you are successful and flourishing in life. I get really anxious thinking about you, because I’m always afraid of making the wrong moves that would impact you. I know, and I’m empathetic because I myself am an “Elder” to my past self, the high school one who toiled over homework and a myriad of extracurricular activities to be here, at USC, with a merit scholarship. She also made a ton of decisions that altered mine, and therefore your, life- from choosing which college to go to, to the daily choices that define who we are.

I’m becoming you every day, every minute, every millisecond. I’m proud of my past self- I hope, Elder, that you look back at me and feel pride knowing that my current self got you where you are.

Love,

Madhu (the younger?)