WP1: Never Enough

A problem many young girls of color face at a young age is an early identity crisis. In a world where white is celebrated and admired, young girls of color must face the pressures of meeting Western beauty standards and expectations that are merely unattainable. As a young girl, I also went through that same realization, understanding that my culture, appearance, and mannerism were frowned upon and not treated with the same respect. Because of this, I was guilty and ashamed of who I was; I did everything in my power to be “more” white and less Mexican. But no matter what I did, no matter what I changed, no matter who I surrounded myself with; I was never enough. I would never be white.

No matter how hard you try to be white, the reality is that it’s impossible for a person of color. You can not change your genetic makeup, so some white people will simply never see us as their equal. As a young girl, this was a hard pill to swallow; I even refused to believe otherwise.

I constantly strove for that white stamp of approval.

That white validation and white stamp of approval I was seeking was only to feel normal and accepted into society. Society had laid out an ideal narrative of how I should look, and how I should act. I was supposed to dress conservative, but still please the male gaze. I was supposed to act proper, and not question nor respond to others’ naivety. All of this was done in an effort to reach the society’s standards and expectation. Because what young girl wants to feel like an alien in their home, who wants to be made to feel like they don’t belong?

It goes without saying that I spent a great deal of my childhood and teenage years craving to become someone else. Physically, I despised my darker wavy hair, dark eyes, my tan skin, and my shorter build. I rather had been tall, pale skin, colored eyes, and lighter hair; all traits I had seen were praised by society. The fact that I couldn’t reach these standards frustrated me, I was ashamed to look in the mirror, this deeply affected my confidence as a young girl. A common question I would ask was, why am I not enough.

A big part of this shame came from the fact that I also knew that these physical traits would lead you to be treated differently. About two-thirds of Hispanics with darker skin colors (64%) report, they have experienced discrimination or been treated unfairly regularly or from time to time, compared with half of those with a lighter skin tone. (Gonzalez-Barrera, 5) I would see this unfair treatment in my own life, whether that being workers at stores assuming my dad could only speak Spanish or people at my mother’s work assuming she wasn’t capable of maintaining a higher position despite her four degrees and years of experience. This gave me a huge reason to hate myself and my culture, I did not feel as though I was meant to have a place.

Along with the physical aspect, culturally I also felt out of place. I was embarrassed by the loud parties, the traditional holidays, and the Spanish language. Believing that the holidays that my parents beautifully embraced and the language that I fluently spoke led me further away from society’s standards. Every part of my culture that ran strong with pride, I was determined to hide. This led me to struggle with speaking Spanish. I was so embarrassed for so long that I thought ignoring it and acting like it didn’t exist would somehow make it better. But now I am embarrassed and mad at myself because when you lose a language you also lose a beautiful tradition, “…language is not only about knowledge or authenticity; it extends a symbol of a thriving and unique culture to the rising generation. It’s the cadence of survival. And if it goes silent, a great tradition is broken.” (Martin, 2)

It all goes to say that this is all a result of the oppression people of color have been facing for centuries; facing economic, social, cultural, and political discrimination. I lived in a country where I was being discriminated against, making me feel embarrassed about my identity. It should come as no surprise that I was ashamed of my existence and craved to become someone else. I am now realizing that this shame and embarrassment stems from what society has taught and shown us. They made me feel like my culture and history were something to be ashamed about. In this country being shamed for your ethnic group is common practice. When being shamed for one’s being is a common practice, how can we feel safe?

How could that young girl feel comfortable and proud when her own existence was seen as shameful.

This shame and guilt that I internalized directly resulted from the roles that society had laid out for us. I never feel comfortable walking into an area of predominantly white people because I felt like I had a role to play, and it wasn’t as the invited guest. The eurocentrism that has been practiced for decades has placed us in this cycle of oppressor and oppressed — the people of color working to cater to and improve the lives of white people. The history of the Chicanx community within the highly racialized political climate of the United States is often represented as a narrative of oppression. And indeed, the community has been on the receiving end of countless negative stereotypes and continues to be subjected to various forms of economic, social, cultural, and political discrimination. (Grill, 3)

I realized that education held power and could lead to prosperity, and white people held this to themselves to stay faithful as the oppressor. That these healthy grocery stores were reserved for white people, realizing it was only because white people could afford them. This has led me to question many parts of myself that I previously believed were “not enough.” Not enough because of what society had told me.

I am now learning that I never felt enough because of the long history of oppression that people of color have been facing for centuries. I am learning to turn the shame and guilt into pride in my Mexican culture and build awareness of the wrongs of Western expectations in order to become aware of my unconscious biases. To heal my inner child, to hold that young girl in my arms and tell her that she is beautiful and more than enough.

Work Cited

Gamboa, Suzanne, et al. “Young Latinos: Born in the U.S.A., Carving Their Own Identity.” ​​NBCNews.com, NBCUniversal News Group, 28 Sept. 2018.

Donnella, Leah. “Is Beauty in the Eyes of the Colonizer?” NPR, NPR, 6 Feb. 2019, www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2019/02/06/685506578/is-beauty-in-the-eyes-of-the-colonizer.

Grill, Mario. “Guilt, Shame, Anger and the Chicana Experience: Cherríe Moraga’s Native Country of the Heart as Voice of Resistance.” Prose Studies, Routledge, 15 Sept. 2020, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7566856/.

Martin, Nick. “What’s Lost When a Language Disappears.” The New Republic, 6 Dec. 2021, https://newrepublic.com/article/155913/native-american-languages-disappearing-reauthorization-act-congress.