Post 2: Overheard

Overheard in Parkside Dining hall:

Person 1: Yeah apparently Finn got with Drew at that party last weekend.

Person 2: Oh wow I didn’t know he was into… you know.

Person 1: Into what?

Person 2: Uhh, black girls.

As I sat and listened to this conversation, I felt my heart drop as my deepest insecurities were affirmed. The boys one table over were utterly oblivious to the impact their discussion had on me, but every word they said sent me deeper into an insecure spiral. The way they spoke made it seem as though being “into black girls” was something unusual or strange. Why did it matter that the girl was black? He could have just said “Oh I didn’t know Finn was into her” but instead he had to make a commentary on her race. By merging all black women into one category he erased the unique ways that they are different.

I have always been aware of my race and the fact that my caramel brown skin does not reflect traditional American beauty standards. I spent years convincing myself that when people judged my beauty, skin tone was not a part of their consideration. My long legs, slim figure and tall build all fit within the beauty standard and yet I never felt that I was good enough. My body was always too boxy, my hair too wild and my nose too big. When my friends would share their secret insecuries these were the ones I would offer in return. However, there was always one thought that I never revealed: I was scared that I was just “too black” for some people to find me beautiful. When my freshman year crush kissed girl after girl and all of them were white, I began to think that maybe he just didn’t like black girls like me. When I thought about it rationally I knew that this probably wasn’t true but some part of me just couldn’t shake the thought. So as I overheard this conversation in the dining hall my subconscious mind took over and self-depricating thoughts filled my mind.

Confidence takes years to build up and seconds to break. Comments like these may not seem obviously hurtful but they can have a huge impact on someones sense of self worth. One moment didn’t erase the self-love I developed over the past few years but the voice that fills my head with doubts has grown louder.