Post 4: Compulsory Able Bodiedness - I have a Disability and I Wouldn’t Want it Any Other Way

I was a hyperactive child. My parents would be lucky if they could get me to wind down. I was always moving, doing cartwheels or handstands in the hallway. There was so much that could be accomplished in a day. Life was so exciting for me that I wanted to be awake for it at all times.

Unfortunately for them, this meant they had zero time for themselves to relax. They constantly had to be available to entertain me because I refused to not be doing something. I never took naps as a kid. I could never get my mind to settle. My parents would tuck me in my bed and wrap me up like a burrito just for me to be back in the living room dancing on the couch five minutes later. They eventually decided to enroll me in gymnastics classes to channel all this extra energy, and I fell in love. From that point on, I was always doing something physical. I was a perfectly healthy child.

Im not sure what changed between then and now, but I guess their constant wishes for me to be able to calm down were heard. Puberty came with the same challenges it brings to everyone. The growing pains, the acne, the mood swings, hating my parents, and feeling like no one understands me. For some reason, the feeling of not being understood never seemed to leave even as I got older. I was a high-achieving student who kept up with my home responsibilities and maintained a social life by hanging out with friends. The eagerness I possessed for life and indulging in my experiences was so strong, but somewhere deep down I was always struggling with something that couldn’t be explained.

I had pretty much always struggled with depression and anxiety so it wasn’t anything new for me as a teenager. My lust for life turned into a dread. My trauma, loss, and growing pains coalesced into a general apathy toward everything and everyone including myself. My life was no longer my own. It felt like I was being controlled by this outside force that wanted me to suffer. It was more than just teenage angst. It wasn’t just a “phase” as everyone in my life would ignorantly say anytime I expressed concern. My body had been completely taken over and I began to fall behind and not perform as well as I used to.

It wasn’t until years of being judged and ridiculed for my “laziness,” my “lack of motivation,” and “not trying hard enough” that I was diagnosed with narcolepsy, a chronic neurological condition and disability. A diagnosis that would have spared me all those years of suffering, wondering if I really was the lazy, unproductive, worthless, piece of shit my mom had made me out to be.

It was a challenging experience, both physically and emotionally. The constant feeling of being judged by others contributed to my low self-esteem, self-doubt, and feelings of isolation. The symptoms I had been experiencing were treated with pity, condescension, and outright hostility. In a society where able-bodiedness is the norm, we tend to view disability as a negative trait. It is often seen as a personal failing, rather than a natural part of the human experience. I had already struggled with feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, but the constant judgment from others reinforced these negative feelings, leading to a vicious cycle of self-doubt and negative self-talk.

I would always discredit myself and my worth. I could never feel satisfied with my accomplishments and my resilience. Having a disability has impacted my relationships, social life, and professional opportunities, as others refuse to understand or accommodate my condition. It is because of this that I do not show myself grace or empathy.

My disability is fire. It destroys. It inflicts pain. It’s ruthless. It doesn’t follow the rules. It just burns with no intention of stopping. But, like fire it is fierce. It allows for new growth in the places it has swept through. Living with a disability has been a significant part of my life, and it has shaped who I am as a person. It has made me realize early on that life is tough and that not everyone has the same opportunities or abilities. We all have struggles in life, and it’s essential to be understanding and non-judgmental towards others. My experiences have made me more sensitive to the feelings of others and have taught me the importance of treating people with kindness and respect, regardless of their abilities. Living with a disability has also allowed me to develop distinctive viewpoints and contribute a unique perspective on life.

I appreciate the small things. I understand that life is not always fair and that things don’t always go as planned. However, I also know that it’s possible to overcome challenges and find joy in the midst of difficult circumstances. I believe that my disability is not a weakness, but rather a strength that has helped me to become the person I am today. I am gentle, fragile, and tender. I deserve to show myself the same level of empathy and understanding that I do for others.

It is important to recognize that a disability is not a limitation, but rather a different way of experiencing and interacting with the world. By valuing and including individuals with disabilities, we can create a more compassionate and inclusive society that recognizes the inherent value and worth of all individuals, regardless of their abilities or differences.