WP1 Living a Life Full of Contradictions
One of the easiest molecules for people to comprehend is water. Or H2O as I learned it in my elementary school science class. But most of the time how we see water stops at just that- H2O. But water is so much more complex than it seems. It’s a dipolar molecule engaging in hydrogen bonding and dipole interactions, balancing both positive and negative dipoles. On the outside though, water is just water. I see myself similarly to how people see water.
Like water, I’m constantly playing a balancing act with myself. I enjoy organizing chaos, while simultaneously creating more for myself. Living life this way is the source of my stress, yet I can’t see myself living any other way. Water is always trying to minimize the entropy it creates, yet it exists in a universe where the entropy is always increasing. Water can never win against entropy, just as I can never win in an environment of contradictions. I’m a living contradiction of everything I stand for to the point where it’s hard for me to understand myself. I surround myself with walls so as not to let outsiders see my inner chaos. In order to see me for who I truly am one must know me well, similarly to how one would need a very powerful microscope to visualize the interactions in water. Most people look at me and don’t look twice, assuming I have it all together, just as people don’t take the time to understand the true complexity of a water molecule.
I survive by keeping busy, all while engaging in an ongoing battle with myself. My color-coded google calendar stands alongside my messy brain both functioning in unison. I live to defy what I believe in and the only way I can be myself is when I’m uncomfortable. According to Sarah Magnus-Sharpe, a writer for the Cornell Chronicle “seeking out discomfort results in better motivation and growth (Magnus-Sharpe). Discomfort is a sign of progress. When I’m uncomfortable I know that I’m changing for the better and will discover new things about my identity. This tangible feeling of uneasiness, which I’m all too familiar with, always precedes the most instrumental moments of life. The butterflies in my stomach invoke a sense of comfort before important events because I know this event means something to me. Although I’ve always been scared of the unknown, it’s the uncertainty that comes from the unknown that helps me thrive.
In times of uncertainty, I rely on my intuition. I trust myself more than anything, but finding balance within myself is my greatest burden. I live my life in a sense of equilibrium, one which I myself will never understand. Much like the universe is always trying to balance a sense of equilibrium, I’m always struggling to balance myself. A reaction goes both ways. I’m not a planner without being the girl without a plan. I’m not a girl afraid of change without being the girl who craves it. And I’m certainly not a girl who hates change without needing constant change for survival. I can never be both girls I want to be. I always have to go against one girl in order to be the other girl. But the world only ever sees one girl at a time. Because if the world sees both girls, then my facade would crumble. I wouldn’t be the girl who has it all together, rather I’d be the girl who lives in a sense of dynamic chaos, and that can’t happen. If water succumbs to its positive dipole and releases one of its hydrogens then it isn’t water anymore, it’s a hydroxide ion. Just as I wouldn’t be me if I allowed myself to be both girls.
I’ve learned to embrace the discomfort that comes from the seesaw that is my head. Like water, I obey Le Chatelier’s principle which is defined as the idea that when a dynamic equilibrium is disturbed by changing the conditions, the position of equilibrium shifts to counteract the change to reestablish an equilibrium” (University of California Davis). I’m constantly shifting my life to establish my own sense of equilibrium. When unexpected events and changes make their way into my life I shift my own sense of self and perspective to counteract those changes. I do this seamlessly so that others can’t see what’s really going on in my head.
Shifts in my own equilibrium are often spontaneous and driven by a desire to maintain my personhood. I’m not one for spontaneity. I don’t get gut feelings and trust them. I make well-thought-out pros and cons lists and deliberate for days on end before I make decisions. But a huge part of my identity is my constant need to make myself uncomfortable. It’s this sense of unpredictability that keeps me sane. I cannot be myself without constantly seeking some level of stress. According to Stanford psychologist Kelly McGonigal, if we keep an open mind to stress “it can make us stronger, smarter, and happier” (Parker). Stress helps me grow and I truly can’t function without it. When I get too comfortable I need to find change and satisfy this desire. I’ve always felt that you can’t grow in the place you grew up in, which is why I’ve always felt out of place in my hometown. My hometown’s seclusion suffocated my identity and when I left I discovered parts of myself that I didn’t know existed.
I live for spontaneity just as much as I thrive off control. One part of myself screams at me to think things through, yet the other part thrusts me into the unknown. Water adapts to changes in its environment by changing phases, just as I change the girl I decide to listen to depending on the situation I’m in. I’m never just one girl I’m multifaceted. Much like water is never just water even though the world sees both of us that way. Like water, I cannot be described by one picture but rather by twenty. I cannot exist as one confirmation without being the other at the same time. I’m a human balancing act, one which only I can see. On the outside I’m Ashley, but internally I’m a million different versions of myself. I cannot be one person without being another. I am my own worst enemy, but also my biggest supporter. Like the resonance structures of water, I can’t be described in one box, but rather on a whole page. One adjective doesn’t fit me without another. I can’t be organized without being chaotic. I can’t be kind without being sarcastic. My identity is full of facets, each one which takes you down a rabbit hole.
And I’ve learned to be okay with it. To embrace it.
Works Cited
Magnus-Sharpe, Sarah, and 2022 March 29. “Leaving Your Comfort Zone Inspires Motivation, Growth.” Cornell Chronicle, 29 Mar. 2022, https://news.cornell.edu/stories/2022/03/leaving-your-comfort-zone-inspires-motivation- growth.
University of Californai Davis, “Supplemental Modules (Physical and Theoretical Chemistry).” Chemistry LibreTexts, 13 Dec. 2020,
https://chem.libretexts.org/Bookshelves/Physical_and_Theoretical_Chemistry_Textbook_ Maps/Supplemental_Modules_(Physical_and_Theoretical_Chemistry).
Parker, Clifton. University, Stanford. “Embracing Stress Is More Important than Reducing Stress, Stanford Psychologist Says.” Stanford News, 9 Apr. 2016, https://news.stanford.edu/2015/05/07/stress-embrace-mcgonigal-050715/.
