WP1: Please always live for yourself
Rui Tang
People are sensitive about their past, miserable experiences, and trauma. Some may be shy to talk, and some may be afraid of others’ judgment through knowing their past. This time, I want to share something out of my comfort zone, relating to those things that are hard to speak out about myself, my childhood, and my previous nineteen years of life. By laying out these experiences, I hope to let more people know who I am and encourage me to improve my personality and heal these wounds.
My friends always said how outgoing and optimistic I was. I often laughed and teased myself when faced with these situations. Still, it was hard knowing whether I was the person represented in my friends’ descriptions or whether I was really whom I thought I was, selfish, self-repressed, and self-contemptuous. I’m not a fan of being defined by my current character traits, which tend to conform to others blindly, suffer from a lack of confidence in public settings, and struggle to communicate my emotions to those I care about.
There’s a saying that some individuals use their childhood experiences to heal their entire lives, while others devote their whole lives to healing their childhood. I had been contemplating the origin of my personality, whether shaped by my life experiences and choices or molded by my family during my childhood. It’s a sensitive topic, as some might see it as blaming my childhood, but I believe it takes immense bravery to confront and discuss one’s emotional wounds. This is especially serious in a society like China, where there is a cultural expectation to show reverence to elders and the family and where any suggestion of family influence can often be met with ridicule and criticism. On the surface, my family appeared to be harmonious and joyful. However, I was aware that beneath the facade lay a different reality. I will tell the story.
Growing up, my grandparents primarily raised me due to my parents’ demanding careers. My father was in business, and my mother was a teacher, which required them to work long hours, leaving little time for me. While I recognize that I was fortunate to have a father who was successful in his profession since I was never worried about food, clothes, or even the best toys, it was sorrowful to watch other children playing with their parents on the lawn while I was left to daydream about the moments when my own parents would be there for me. Having been separated from my parents at a young age, I struggled to comprehend and express the concept of love effectively. This lack of connection also bred within me a deep insecurity and a persistent desire for close companionship, and this conflicting state is a source of intense pain. I wished life were as straightforward as it seems, but the reality was far more complex.
The underneath of my family was quite fragile. The tensions within my family first emerged when I was in kindergarten and only escalated with time. My parents would engage in frequent, intense arguments due to differences in personality, lifestyle, and even minor disagreements. I still recalled the night when I was five years old, my father slammed the door and left in anger, and my mother shouted about divorce. As I lay in bed, I couldn’t help but shed tears in secret. Sadly, this type of situation was a weekly occurrence. During these moments of conflict, I often found myself caught in the crossfire, serving as an outlet for their frustration. On numerous occasions, my mother would turn to me after arguing with my father and lash out with verbal abuse for absurd and unreasonable reasons. After that, I found it hard to trust people completely, and I always tried to conform to others because I was afraid that some of my actions would inadvertently cause people to resent me. Once chance, I learned the professional name of this personality — avoidant personality disorder, “People with avoidant personality disorder have chronic feelings of inadequacy and are highly sensitive to being negatively judged by others, and those with the disorder often report past experiences of parental or peer rejection” (Cleveland Clinic) — such a close description to me.
Everyone knows the cruelty of the Chinese educational system. Children, losing their opportunity to release their nature and show their energy and talent, seemed imprisoned in jail, dealing with the massive pressure of exams and facing the critics from parents and teachers. My upbringing was marred by physical abuse from my parents, who typified the traditional, strict parenting style commonly seen in China. They resorted to violence as a punishment for missteps or mistakes, exerting enormous control over what I wore, what I spoke, and even what I liked, comparing me with others, and undermining my confidence through disputing, making my childhood and adolescence a daily struggle under their oppressive pressure.
In China, more children like me are affected by this kind of childhood misfortune. “Statistics from the PKU Healthcare Children Development Center show that around 100,000 children and adolescents die by suicide every year. Depression, anxiety, fear, self-reproach as well as physiological responses to these conditions usually contribute to teen suicide” (Wang). During my teenage years, I struggled with long-term depression that left me feeling inferior and lacking confidence in social situations. This often led me to retreat into myself and limit my interactions with others, which only perpetuated feelings of isolation. At its worst, I was anxious, depressed, overeating, and unable to control my emotions. But all of this is not from my decision, and I can only change myself to break through this adversity.
I did, as Freire’s book says: “breaking the cycle of oppression requires the development of a critical consciousness that challenges the false reality” (Freire). With the increase in knowledge comprehension, I gradually realized that my parents’ action toward me was oppression, and I could not be subjected to it all the time. The essence of oppression was my parents’ excessive expectations and desire to control me rather than oppression with hatred and discrimination. I should express my opinion and try to change the situation. Since I can’t satisfy them all the time, I should try my best to be myself and let them realize their mistake.
I was pleased to see that my situation had improved significantly as time passed. Upon entering high school, I excelled academically and honed my interpersonal skills, which helped me communicate with others and feel more confident. My parents were not as harsh as before, but the wounds from my past experiences still linger. Last week, my mother reached out to me and inquired about why I hadn’t contacted her in a month. At the time, I was a little shocked since I found it was a difficult conversation for me as I still struggled with feelings of familial affection. The lack of emotional connection and warmth from my childhood experiences made me hard to feel close to my family and show affection toward them.
It takes time to break free from childhood conditioning, but every step toward self-discovery and self-love is worth it. I was learning to embrace my individuality and honour my own thoughts and feelings, even if they differed from what my parents might have wanted for me. Now, I am still taking steps to heal from the pain and trauma caused by my upbringing. Upon arriving at the university, the idea has grown stronger. I discover that everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, race, background, or physical abilities, is a unique and complete individual with their own strengths. We all have the capability to pursue dreams and aspirations. Although it will take time to heal from the wounds of my childhood fully, I will continue to empower and better myself, striving towards becoming a fully formed and complete person.
Work Cited
“Avoidant Personality Disorder: Symptoms, Causes & Treatments.” Cleveland Clinic, https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9761-avoidant-personality-disorder#:~:text=People%20with%20avoidant%20personality%20disorder%20have%20chronic%20feelings%20of%20inadequacy,of%20being%20rejected%20by%20others.
Freire, Paulo, et al. “Chapter 2.” Pedagogy of the Oppressed, Bloomsbury Academic, 2020.
Wang, Xiaonan. ‘It’s OK to Feel Anxious.’ the Pandemic Takes Mental Toll on Chinese Teens, CGTN, 17 Oct. 2020, https://news.cgtn.com/news/2020-10-17/-It-s-OK-to-feel-anxious-The-pandemic-s-mental-toll-on-Chinese-teens-UED7mcen7y/index.html.
