WP3: We don’t belong because we are told we don’t belong

Receiving my acceptance letter to USC was one of the highlights of my life; I vividly remember the flow of tears running down my face as I drove to cheer practice. I finally felt like my hard work had paid off. I had received acceptance into two of Marshall Business School’s most prestigious programs, with a scholarship that made it possible to attend. Everything felt like it was falling into place. At the time, I felt smart, capable, and highly confident in my abilities. However, after arriving on campus, I had an immediate wake-up call, starting in my invite-only, Global Leadership Program. In this class, I engaged with highly successful leaders, students who had been published in the New York Times, had one million Spotify podcast downloads, implemented curriculum into schools in China, started organizations, created their own brands, etc.

Although it was inspiring to hear their stories, and I was grateful to be in such an environment, I felt the overwhelming sensation that I did not belong. I felt extremely out of place, academically and physically. Being that I was Latina, and USC is a predominately white institution. And even though I knew I had impressive accomplishments and wouldn’t be there if that weren’t true, I felt like they had made a huge mistake. It wasn’t until I spoke to a close male friend in the program and shared my feelings that I got told it was “just” imposter syndrome.

Imposter syndrome is something that I never thought I would fall victim to. A strong and overwhelming feeling that quickly took over my life. Imposter syndrome is said to involve feelings of self-doubt and personal incompetence that persist despite your education experience and accomplishments. (Crystal Raypole, 2021) During my first weeks at USC, I subconsciously assumed that every person around me was smarter than I was. I spent weeks putting myself down and had multiple mental breakdowns. This feeling began to control my life, so I researched this so-called syndrome to find a cure. It didn’t come as a shock when I discovered that it affected certain groups more than others, primarily women of color, but why? Why were women of color who were placed in these high-achieving settings more susceptible to imposter syndrome?

Women are strong, empathetic, nurturing, dedicated, and driven. But as we know, women have been oppressed for all of history. Our strengths and abilities have been overlooked. While our weaknesses are highlighted by men so they can justify their place in the patriarchy. Additionally, when you add another layer of being a person of color, this only adds to the discrimination we must face. In a world where we are told we are not enough- how can we feel enough?

When exploring imposter syndrome, the emphasis should not be placed on the individual, nor blaming a woman for these feelings of doubt and placing a diagnosis on her emotions. Rather, the root cause is the historical and cultural context that are foundational to how these feelings of incompetence manifest. (Tulshyan/Burey, 2021) How can we expect to feel confident and worthy of our place in these high-achieving settings after being told our entire lives that we are not enough. We live in a world where women of color are constantly being discriminated against for our race and gender. We face daily battles where we must overcome biases and systematic racism and still yet prove to the world and ourselves that we are capable of success.

Brian Daniel Norton, a psychotherapist in New York stating, “When you experience systemic oppression or are directly or indirectly told your whole life that you are less-than or undeserving of success and you begin to achieve things in a way that goes against a long-standing narrative in mind, imposter syndrome will occur.” Showing that these feelings of incompetence and doubt can be directly correlated to the systematic oppression we must face. We live in a world where social injustice occurs yet somehow expected to defeat the odds. Never being taught how to build the confidence or strength to do so. Along with this, having to go against a narrative that society has written for us that determines our future and successes.

In learning this, I have learned that my experience at USC, more specifically my feelings of unworthiness and doubt were a direct result of the oppression I had faced my entire life. I was overcoming biases, and stereotypes everyday, while still trying to prove to myself that I was good enough. My previous confusion and lack of self-awareness led me to believe that I was just being lazy, when in reality I was going against the narrative society had placed, which has led to these feelings of inferiority. A narrative that told me that I wasn’t supposed to be successful and attend a prestigious university like USC.

These different narratives can be described by the behaviors that are expected of certain minority groups. Going against these narratives and “norms” will not only cause feelings of doubt but also lead to curiosity from white people. This leads to women of color being subjected to subtle and not-so-subtle microaggressions. The most popular definition of microaggressions stating, “microaggressions are the everyday slights, indignities, put-downs and insults that members of marginalized groups experience in their day-to-day interactions with individuals who are often unaware that they have engaged in an offensive or demeaning way.”

These microaggressions should not be overlooked as they add to the feelings of inferiority and doubt; mentally and physically affecting minority groups. These small comments have a large effect on how women of color view themselves and how worthy they feel in society. When a woman of color faces a microaggression this can directly affect their perception of themselves.

In my case, it was the different microaggressions formed for Latinx females such as… but you speak so well, wow, you are so smart, you’re not like others. Not acting like the norm, which essentially refers to White Anglo-Americans (Silvia L. Mazzula, 2013) These subtle microaggressions led to a great deal of confusion. I often felt like I had a big name tag stating, “token minority,” that my place in society was okay, but not others. I also found these comments extremely offensive and out of line. Especially coming from a family who isnt as educated, these comments affected me personally. I never thought of them as any less hardworking or intelligent because they didn’t receive the same opportunities. These subtle microagressions led for me to question my value, furthering my feelings of doubt.

Additionally, microaggressions that question the success of women of color are offensive and discriminatory. Microaggressions send a denigrating message to women of color, potentially fostering an unhealthy work environment, and can create and increase these feelings of incompetence (imposter syndrome). As for my experience, it was receiving acceptance to a large number of prestigious universities. In my high school, it wasn’t typical for students to go to four-year universities. Going to this low-income school along with the fact that I am the daughter of immigrant parents, whose family history lies deep with generational trauma, this wasn’t supposed to be my future.

However, I went against the “norm” and narrative that was supposed to be my future. Although I was overridden with joy, while in a conversation with one of my white male friends, he told me that it was only because I was Mexican, a woman, and the first generation in the U.S. He completely disregarded my personal accomplishments that led me to receive these acceptances.

Until now, this experience that I had overlooked was an act of subtle racism, subconsciously lowering my self-confidence and ego — heightening my imposter syndrome. This little comment has largely affected the way I view myself, making me think that if it weren’t for the diversity implementation, I would’ve never gotten in. This has followed me to college as I was already being told that my acceptance to USC was fraudulent. I already felt like I wasn’t worthy before I had even stepped foot on campus.

Not knowing that experience had an effect on my emotions on campus. Arriving at USC, these feelings of not being deserving of success grew larger. Along with these feelings, I was not given the proper representation and forced to adapt. I have noticed that a large majority of the faculty and students are white people. Classrooms are supposed to be safe and inviting. And in order to ensure success, I knew I had to engage with other students and faculty. But I didn’t feel like I had the space to do so and didn’t know how to grow a confident voice. At USC, I feel scared to speak up to certain professors, I sometimes feel like they won’t accept me.

This goes into the effect that setting has on these feelings of doubt and incompetence. In academia and the workforce, women of color lack representation in leadership roles. Only 58 Black women and 71 Latinx women are promoted for every 100 men that are promoted to management positions (Davis 2021). This could be directly linked to the lack of role models that women have in the industry. White men have a large representation in academia and the workplace, giving them someone to look up to and someone to follow. This gives them the confidence to move up, rarely questioning their competence.

Opposed to women, where it is rare to see a woman of color in a managerial position. This could lead to feelings of uncertainty and create additional fear of putting themselves out there. Men are confident about their ability at 60%, but women don’t feel confident until they’ve checked off each item on the list. (Mohr, 2014) This additional confidence could give men the upper hand in the workplace, as they are willing to take more risks. No matter how intelligent, worthy, and capable a woman might be in comparison.

This follows my experience of my time at USC; USC is a predominately white institution. With the white student demographic being the largest at 27.3% for the 2021–2022 school year. (USC, 2021) As a Business in the Cinematic Arts major, I am studying in both the business and film schools, which are also white male-dominated industries. In learning about these industries, I am only learning about the white men economic models and the white men films. With little to no diversity shown or even an incentive to diversify the selection of film choices, or the implementation of success stories of women of color. In addition to this, ALL my professors are white males. This itself shows the lack of representation in the faculty. I will not attack their teaching abilities as they are all strong professors, however, most of them bring no perspective to the conversation. I strongly believe that people are products of their environment and if they have not faced the adversities that women of color had it is hard to empathize with students. Personally, this leads me to feel like I dont have anyone to reach out to. Having no one to seek as a role model, makes it feel as though my dreams are unattainable or if it isn’t even worth it to try; heightenining my imposter syndrome.

Along with leadership positions, it was also the lack of diversity on campus made me feel out of place and not deserving of success. Even though USC is said to be a diverse campus, the beauty standard at USC does not display that. The beauty standard at USC has proved to be white, skinny, blonde, and rich; this beauty standard is completely unattainable when you are a woman of color. This has raised my insecurities and made me question my worth. On many occasions I found myself wanting to become someone else. Finding myself trying to fit in, whether that be buying more expensive clothes or wishing to be a lighter skin tone.

That’s why it is important to recognize the lack of diversity in these high-achieving settings can result in these feelings of incompetence. Being at a predominately white institution or a white-dominated industry is a different ball game than students who don’t have to face adversity. For minority students, surviving and thriving academically despite multiple encounters with racism or stereotyping may require a different type of resolve than do typical college-student struggles like balancing work and class, or overcoming difficult assignments. (Green, 2016) As a minority in a white institution, it’s not just the academics you have to face, but the oppression. This only makes it more difficult to thrive in these high achieving settings, and it is not even in our control.

At USC, I interviewed women of color and asked about their experiences with beauty standards on campus. All of the students said that they did feel as though there were obvious beauty standards, one of the students stating, “…skinny, blonde, white, rich, so you can dress like x,y,z…” While another student stated, “I feel like a lot of girls on campus can relate to this, it’s just skinny, white, tall a little, blonde hair, that’s literally it, um, so yeah I feel like there is a beauty standard which I feel like that’s why it makes it harder to feel pretty here sometimes.” The interviews laid out what they considered to be the beauty standard on campus, which described Western beauty standards. Even noting that it was hard to feel beautiful compared to the large population of white girls on campus. This shows just one of the effects a lack of diversity in these settings can have on women of color and can directly affect their confidence.

As I spoke previously, the word imposter syndrome deems there to be something wrong with women. I don’t believe there is a syndrome, but instead, the issue lies in the environments and settings in which women of color in high-achieving settings find themselves. Men in academia and workplaces have been given the upper hand, and don’t have to go through these issues that women of color face each and every day, so of course, they are less susceptible to feelings of incompetence. And although equality can not be solved in a day or maybe even a lifetime, I believe the first step is creating healthier environments for women of color to succeed. Schools and workplaces should create more equitable environments for women of color.

At USC, I believe we must change the culture to address systematic bias and racism. They should hire a greater range of professors. It is important for women of color to see themselves in faculty with senior positions. When women of color are able to see a clear vision of their goals and see that is possible, this can serve as a motivator. These professors can serve as strong role models, sharing their own experiences of dealing with inequity. Having these professors would be very inspiring for me along with other students of color on campus.

But most importantly, we must teach women of color that these feelings are completely valid because we are a minority group who have been oppressed. I believe that we must turn the negative feelings of incompetence into motivation and encourage them to follow their dreams. Before my experience learning about imposter syndrome, I believed that these feelings meant that I was just too hard on myself, that I just needed time to adjust to the environment. Now realizing that it wasn’t about the imposter syndrome itself, but the oppression I was facing.

This has allowed for me to have a different perspective on imposter syndrome as a whole. I have realized that it is not a “syndrome” and we should stop making women of color feel guilty and ashamed for feeling this way. These feelings of doubt and incompetence are a direct result of being told we are not good enough our entire lives. Having to prove to society that you are good enough while going against a narrative that society has created is difficult. And from now on I know that these feelings are completely normal, and I will continue to see them as part of my journey of accepting my identity.

Work Cited:

1. Nance-Nash, Sheryl. “Why imposter syndrome hits women and women of colour harder.” Why Equality Matters, BBC, 27 July 2020, https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200724-why-imposter-syndrome-hits-women-and-women-of-colour-harder.
2. Tulshyan, Ruchika. “Stop Telling Women They Have Imposter Syndrome.” https://hbr.org/2021/02/stop-telling-women-they-have-imposter-syndrome https://www.cnbc.com/2021/08/04/why-black-and-latinx-women-struggle-more-with-impostor-syndrome.html. Accessed 11 February 2021.
3. Mazzula, Silvia L. ““But You Speak So Well”: How Latinos Experience Subtle Racism.” PSYCHOLOGY BENEFITS SOCIETY, 26 September 2013, https://psychologybenefits.org/2013/09/26/how-latinos-experience-subtle-racism/.
4. “Why Women Don’t Apply for Jobs Unless They’re 100% Qualified.” Harvard Business Review, 2 Nov. 2021, https://hbr.org/2014/08/why-women-dont-apply-for-jobs-unless-theyre-100-qualified.
5. “Women in the Workplace 2021.” McKinsey & Company. McKinsey & Company, November 2, 2021. https://www.mckinsey.com/featured-insights/diversity-and-inclusion/women-in-the-workplace.
6. Yoon, Hahna. “How to Respond to Microaggressions.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 3 Mar. 2020, https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/03/smarter-living/how-to-respond-to-microaggressions.html.
7. Green, Adrienne. “The Cost of Balancing Academia and Racism.” The Atlantic, 21 January 2016, https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2016/01/balancing-academia-racism/424887/.
8. https://about.usc.edu/facts/