WP3: Why Grown-Ups Aren’t Supposed to Play Dress Up

If your childhood was anything like mine, you played pretend on the playground. You ran around, and pretended to be characters from your favorite books or movies. Pretended to be superheroes, wizards, spacemen, or whatever else. And then you got older, and you stopped. There’s no more playground, no more playtime, and no more pretend.

But, some people never stopped playing pretend. These people are weirdos. That’s what society has labeled us as. Being a nerd isn’t as much grounds for ostracization as it was for my parents’ generation, but it’s still not socially acceptable for grown ups to play pretend. Video games, Dungeons and Dragons, cosplay and LARP, are all culturally considered cringe. I’m not asking you to stop laughing at us, but instead realize that we’re laughing too. Understanding why these hobbies are considered silly or weird provides for a window into understanding the society that deems them so.

There are a very narrow and limited set of activities that are truly socially acceptable for adults to do for fun. In a life that perfectly conforms to the social norm, one would go to their nine to five office job, come home, eat dinner with their family, watch TV, and maybe go to a bar with friends. For added interest, maybe the gym, the movies, or a coffee shop. This stereotypical American, suburban, middle class, “normal people” lifestyle practically has a whole genre of commentary surrounding it. In his video essay on middle class culture, J.J. McCullough says of middle class people, “they feel that their existence is really empty or that they have nothing to be proud of” (McCullough). Idealistically, McCullough advocates that a potential solution to this problem could be found in a sort of middle class pride. On a more practical scale, many people remedy this feeling of emptiness by reaching outside of what is socially acceptable.

Enter fandom. Some geeks really like superhero movies. Some geeks read comics. Others write fanfiction or draw fan art. All these genres are interconnected, and many serve as gateway drugs to each other. This essay focuses on the genres which involve play and pretending, especially those which involve an embodied experience. Video games and tabletop role playing games (TTRPGs or RPGs) fit this definition, but cosplay and live action role playing games (LARPs) are even more apt. Tabletop roleplaying games have enjoyed a surge in popularity lately through introductions into popular culture through Dungeons and Dragons’ (D&D) appearances in Stranger Things (2016-) and Critical Role (2015-). In these games, players sit at a table and pretend to be heroes on an adventure. The game is played with rulebooks, paper, dice and imaginations. Dungeons and Dragons dates back to the mid-seventies, and does not involve any sort of computer. In LARPs, players physically act out the actions of their characters. These games can be as short as an hour or as long as a weekend. Their settings can range from fantasy to science fiction to apocalyptic to steampunk or anything else imaginable. They often involve costumes, props, and complex rule systems to govern their made-up worlds. Similarly, cosplay, a portmanteau of costume and play, is the practice of dressing up as a character from popular culture, often at fan conventions, and many cosplayers build their own costumes. There is also often an element of embodying the character which one portrays–it is not just a costume on a model, it’s cosplay. Photoshoots, group cosplays, skits and competitions are also staples of the genre, but not required.

Fandom, nerd culture and games are far from the only subculture which has arisen as a reaction to this middle class lethargy, but they raise uniquely interesting questions. First of which–why did we stop playing, and why is play considered childish? The reasons we are not supposed to play can commonly intersect with the reasons we are not supposed to write fan fiction or create fan art. Our society expects us to create. We have an obsession with the original. For most of human history, we retold the same stories and sang the same songs that had been given to us by our community members. Modernity–the rise of the printing press, and the beginning of an age where names were attached to artworks–put an end to this era of folklore (Thompson). Now, when we want to retell the stories given to us by popular culture, that is a violation of copyright. It is not productive. It is not productive because it cannot be monetized. And then we come to the reason why we stopped playing when we grew–we no longer had time because we had more “productive” things to do. We stopped playing because it contributed nothing to society other than our own happiness.

Role playing and costumes are considered childish, so these hobbies have found themselves as a target for much ridicule. The stereotypes for nerds and gamers are endless, and as old as the subculture itself. Somewhat circularly, within popular culture, we can find depictions of fandom culture. In her video on the subject, YouTuber Mo Mo O’Brien gathers through references including Knights of Badassdom (2013), The Wild Hunt (2009), Role Models (2008) and Supernatural’s LARP episode (S08E11), that in all depictions “the protagonist [who views LARP as childish or dorky] somehow gets roped into playing the game… once they’ve had a couple of adventures, it turns out that they were wrong about LARPing… every protagonist ends up enjoying themselves.” The same is true of the depiction of cosplay in 2014’s Wish I Was Here. These pop culture representations can be used to understand the popular perception of their subject matter. For starters, all of these depictions initially portray the hobbies as dorky, perhaps even dorkier than in reality for heightened cinematic comedy. The players are always the butt of some joke. It is understood to the audience that only weirdos actually actively want to participate in these hobbies. Despite this, all the characters end up having fun. People who are exposed to the hobbies through these depictions are aware that someone enjoys these hobbies, but they also understand that in order to be “normal,” they are not those people. The takeaway is not “these hobbies are for everyone,” but a more generally applicable, “don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.” It is nearly impossible to portray these hobbies seriously, because even though they are a seriously important part of people’s lives, they are by nature, silly.

So Why Play Dress Up?

Why, then, despite the stigma, have these hobbies persisted? The obvious reason is that they are fun. Why are they fun? For starters, they almost always depict the fantastical, which is exciting. And people are often looking for forms of escapism from the monotony of daily life. Because these hobbies are so immersive, they are some of the ultimate forms of escapism. Cosplay and LARP involve literally stepping into the shoes of a fantastical character and walking into a made-up world. Dungeons and Dragons and video games can be played on a regular schedule, but cosplay and LARP generally involve a more sporadic schedule. Therefore, the events where they take place are events. Personally, one of my favorite aspects of the cosplay hobby is putting my heart and soul into a costume, working harder and harder until the deadline draws nearer, and then getting to show off my hard work to the world. It can be stressful, but it’s a rush. People will travel great distances to go play dress up with other nerds. In this framing, pop culture conventions are not dissimilar to cultural festivals–they are places where people gather to celebrate something they have in common. They are often annual, there’s dress up, and often associated partying. Despite all these similarities, cultural festivals are perfectly normalized, but fan conventions are not.

Space Wizards With Glowsticks.

This brings us to the next reason people love these hobbies–they’re a place for people to find community. As I wrote in another post, “I’d loved Star Wars and playing with lightsabers my whole life. … In 2017, I joined a group called Saber Guild, which does costumed, choreographed lightsaber dueling performances, mostly for charity. Going in, I knew this group and those like it treated each other like family, but it was another thing entirely to be adopted into this family.” (D’Adamo) There are a number of these Lucasfilm recognized Star Wars costume clubs, and I would have been happy to join any of them, but all but Saber Guild was the only one which did not require that I be eighteen to join. I was thirteen when I first started going to these lightsaber choreography classes. At the time, I could not fathom why this rule was in place. My costumes were just as high quality as anyone else’s, I conducted myself responsibly and maturely. I have a distinct memory of when it was finally explained to me: we were in a green room getting ready for an appearance at a movie theater in Brooklyn to celebrate and promote the release of The Last Jedi. This group was a major part of many of its participants’ social lives. In not so many words, it was spelled out: we don’t want to hang out with teenagers. I bring this up because it made obvious to me what an important part of these folks’ social lives this group was. I had friends through school and other hobbies, but these built in sources of community fade away as we age. People find love through these groups or after practices and events, we would go to diners or pubs. Waving glow sticks and dressing up like space wizards was amazing, and it was what brought us together–but our friendships went beyond that. The community and friendship are one of the most valuable, and ultimately one of the most fun aspects of the whole subculture.

After all, a subculture is a community by definition. We are brought together by what sets us apart from mainstream culture. I interviewed one of my fellow Saber Guild members on why he participates in the genres in question and he said, “Participating in fan culture provides a sense of community, I’m not the only one who likes that thing. You can then talk to others and see what they thought about the product. Also the joy that people can get when a particular character shows up in cosplay is a great feeling.” (Cairns)

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Now, when grown-ups play–it is not quite like those playground games. As we develop a capacity for greater complexity–so do our games. Dungeons and Dragons has several multi-hundred page rulebooks players are expected to have at least a passing familiarity with. In cosplay, participants are subliminally encouraged to create the most intricate and elaborate costumes possible (although idealists of the hobby would argue that any costume is acceptable so long as you’re having fun). Video game players are expected to care about the hardware they play their games on, and it is expected that they want the latest and greatest systems. In some regards, these complexities act as a natural progression, but in others they serve to distance the play of adults from the play of children. The types of games which most resemble childs’ play are those which are the most stigmatized. Conversely, to many, the depth and complexity of fandoms is what makes them fun.

To borrow a term from a far more serious discourse–this leads to the issue of respectability politics in nerd culture. My dad grew up a nerd, and a player of Dungeons and Dragons in a time when it was far less cool than it is now. He had fun with it, so he became comfortable with the fact that it was for weirdos. He took me to a convention, Gen Con, “the best four days in gaming,” in 2014. That experience exposed us both to a much broader nerd culture than we had previously known. Once, we had a conversation about the SCA, the Society for Creative Anachronism, part LARP, part historical reenactment. He expressed to me that he thought D&D was one thing, but that the SCA was another level of weird. It wasn’t something he wanted to associate with. This starkly reminded me of arguments in which cisgender, straight-passing gay men are uncomfortable being associated with the trans, gender non-comforming, kinky and polyamorous people who originally fought for their rights. These people are comfortable with their level of weird, but no more. On some level, many of these people have insecurities about their oddities, and othering the weirder people in their community is a reaction to that.

This brings us to the next question: why are people made uncomfortable by grown-ups playing dress-up, and what does that say about them? The first answer is often that people are uncomfortable by things which make them jealous. This is not to say that there are droves of people who wish they LARPed or cosplayed, but there may be people who wish they had the self confidence it takes to be weird.

The importance of fantasy (broadly referring to fantasy, sci-fi, apocalyptic, steampunk, etc.) and play speaks to the shortcomings of modern life. In the age of the death of the American dream, you can only be whomever you want in pretend. Whereas it was previously posited that with enough hard work and a little bit of luck, even a nobody could become someone, younger generations identify more with the ideology that who you can become is limited by who you’ve been. None of that applies if everything is made up. Returning to the idea of self-confidence, LARPers will often cite that the hobby empowered them to come out of their shell. Through playing a character who is extroverted, a player can inhabit the experience of extroversion while maintaining a distance from it themselves. (Clay) And these games of dress up also provide a home for people to express themselves in ways otherwise never possible, because it’s just a character. But behind all these characters, there is a truth of the player. Many cosplayers, LARPers or gamers will go so far as to use this extra freedom of expression to explore their gender. Through becoming someone else, people explore parts of themselves that do not usually come out. In some senses, this allows people to be the truest version of themselves. And that experience is fun. These hobbies are already weird, but because they are typically (hopefully) safe spaces, their participants will take this as permission to fully let their freak flag fly.

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Most people watch TV or movies. LARP and cosplay attract people for whom simply observation is not enough. For us, the fantastical and otherworldly is even more enjoyable or valuable if it is in some way a part of our reality. One of the reasons we are the target of ridicule is because to the outside, it looks like we fully believe in this false reality. But the truest reality is that we have made these hobbies a part of our lives–an aspect of our lives worth believing in. There is of course, the stereotype of nerds living in their mothers’ basements (which is itself only negatively connotated by the modern ideals of individualism and the need to move out at a relatively young age) — but making fantasies realities takes more coordination than most would expect of this stereotype. When taken in the sense of the word meaning aspiration, it is undoubtedly difficult to make a fantasy a reality. All this is to say, there is an untold amount of logistical and practical labor that goes into organizing a role playing game or assembling a costume or even planning a convention. But it is labor people are excited to undertake in order to bring a made-up world to life. Ultimately, we do it because it is fun, and it brings us joy.

This essay is not a defense of fantasy freaks. It is a celebration of them. We are a target of mockery for our strange and silly hobbies. But those who laugh at us are right– it is silly, it is funny, but that’s why we like it. The reasons these hobbies are ridiculed is integral to the reasons they’re fun. Even though it’s considered a bit odd, people like to play and pretend.

Works Cited

Cairns, Shayne. Personal interview. 14 April 2022.

Clay, Alexa. “Can Live-Action Role-Play Games Bring about Social Change?: Aeon Essays.” Aeon, Aeon Magazine, 19 Nov. 2015, https://aeon.co/essays/can-live-action-role-play-games-bring-about-social-change.

Critical Role, Geek & Sundry. 2015-present.

D’Adamo, Daniel, “WP2: Everything Stays” Medium. 2 April, 2022. https://medium.com/@dadamo/wp2-everything-stays-d5c9e848a28a

Knights of Badassdom. Directed by Joe Lynch, Entertainment One, 2013.

“LARP and the Real Girl.” Supernatural, created by Eric Kripke, season 8, episode 11, Warner Bros. Television Distribution, 2013.

McCullough, J.J.. “What is Middle Class? Defending a misunderstood culture.” YouTube, uploaded by J.J. McCullough, 6 April. 2019, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsUEbN6NZr0.

O’Brien, Mo Mo. “The Representation of Larping (Film Detective).” YouTube, uploaded by Mo Mo O’Brien, 19 February. 2015, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yiKFa22mvA.

Role Models. Directed by David Wain, Universal Pictures, 20th Century Studios, Relativity Media, 2008.

Stranger Things, created by The Duffer Brothers, Netflix, 2016-present.

The Wild Hunt, Directed by Alexandre Franchi, TVA Films, 2009.

Thompson, Tok. ANTH-333: Forms of Folklore, University of Southern California, Spring 2022, Los Angeles, California.

Wish I Was Here. Directed by Zach Braff, Worldview Entertainment, 2014.