WP4: Own You

I have never ever like “fucked with writing” in my life. I literally have hegemonically believed that I was to never write in my life again after how much misery I faced from having to write or read or analyze texts in my past. So coming to USC and having to take ANOTHER writing class was something that I was not looking forward to because I knew at the collegiate level, more would definitely be expected out of me. I perceived this unattainable standard of writing off of my past experiences, but hindsight is 20/20, and this “personal writing journey” has been out of my comfort zone and difficult at many times but more valuable and meaningful than any other class in my life. With its power derived from how I KNOW I have a voice, and I can use this voice to express my OWN thoughts in the ways that I WANT to express them. I KNOW what I WANT, and writing allows me to OWN what I KNOW.

Especially in my last couple of projects and posts, I have grappled with and played with the ideas of taking ownership on your own identity and expressing yourself to the fullest. I own my thoughts through writing because I can express myself the way I want, which brings me comfort. I would even go as far as saying I feel comfortable with writing now, something the student who walked in the door could never imagine. The comfort I experienced with writing introspectively led me to understanding that self-expression will always lead to the most fulfilling and substantive life. I can talk about what I want to talk about, dress like how I want to dress, and do what I want to do. I never conceptualized this concept so clearly before this class, and writing was the answer. I take ownership of myself by expressing myself and doing what I want.

But to go even further, what does “doing what I want” even entail? PooPoo PeePee Balls. Like right there I just did what I want because I could. I own this WP4 and take ownership of those words, and in that moment a couple seconds ago, I knew that if I did what I want which was put swears in my project that I could further my happiness and life in general. This very fearless and meaningful phrase I inserted into my paper helps remind me that I possess the freedom to do whatever I want and whatever will always exists in my reach. I may never be able to put that in an academic paper of this caliber again (even though I should be allowed to smh academia), but I will always remain powerful enough to express myself to the fullest. This power is mine forever, and I will always be able to do what I want, so it entails power in acting towards desire. Since my core of writing in this class surrounded self-expression under the notion of acting in desire, I think that writing may have inadvertently led me away from pacifism and peace towards having unfilled desires. Desires are endless, so doing what I want desirously has lead me astray from Hindu ideals that I have grown up with.

The Hindu journey to moksha comes from a place of giving up materialism and earthly desires to reach a point of transcendence, so I am scared that my writing journey which has been marked by constant introspective analysis into what I want and feel clashes with the ideals that I have grown up with. To be what you want, you have to do what you want. But divine Hindu beliefs question the idea of wanting, and believing that desire is the root of all bad karma. It saddens me to think that the concluding point of my semester clashes with the ideals of the culture I am and religion that I am supposed to be, but I further believe that at the point in my life that I am in, acting desirously in self-interest for self-expression is at least better than acting in the interest of others. Maybe I am just not mature enough to reach a place where I lose interest in desire, but only time will be the judge of that. I want explore these ideas further in more cultural context as I get older, but for the time being I am content in expressing myself through what I want. And hey maybe I never reach moksha and I never transcend past this life, writing has brought me satisfaction in my own right by doing what I want.

Doing what I want’s extension to speech and text has been the most grandiose and largest realization that has came through this journey because I am allowed to write in the exact same way I speak which had been a point of contention for me because I personally never wrote like I spoke. Self-expression that I have previously found verbally can be extended to my writing in ways I’ve never understood before this class because I have always thought of myself as being able to speak but unable to write. I hated writing, but I knew that I could at the very least speak, so this class bridged the gap between writing and talking. This class and the ability to write about what I wanted to write about cultivated my voice in a non-academic and much more personal and emocionante way. I have never been able to use ‘I’ in my writing, so finally being able to use ‘I’ and express ideas that I am engaged in a discourse over feels unreal. I am literally writing how exactly how I verbally speak to an open forum platform with the entire class. I am myself unfiltered, like I can write just how I talk, and it feels amazing. I basically came out of the womb talking and find it difficult to shut up a lot of the time, but my writing contrasted my loquacious nature because I could just never put it on paper, and now I just can.

First thought, best thought. The first thought I have is the best thought I will have. I need to write freely with complete ownership of my words and my thoughts. My writing journey led me to self-expression which taught me to do what I want regardless of former academic ideals or former religious ideals or former personal mental blockades. I love writing how I speak, and I am eternally grateful that this class gave me the opportunity to question what I wanted and then apply my own personal narrative to ideas that I had. I now know that I own the power to be myself in the way I want to be myself because of writing. I own myself because of writing. “Becauses go to Whys”, and the reason why is this class. Thank you Prof D. for teaching me to write and for most of all, accepting late work.