WP4: Unboxing the Why
I’m a transfer student from the University of Illinois in Urbana-Champaign and after this semester, I can wholeheartedly say that coming to USC has undoubtedly been the best decision I’ve ever made in my life and has provided me with fulfillment I didn’t realize I was missing in my life. The craziest part was that during my transfer process, I found myself applying to universities I hadn’t even considered when I was a senior in high school. As a senior, not only was I insanely caught up in the rankings for engineering — but I allowed it to get to my head and discount the importance of a school’s “fit.” Engineering at UIUC was rigorous and completely minimized any chances of taking courses in the humanities — something I genuinely value in my educational experience. USC’s engineering program and stringent GE requirements have provided me with opportunities to engage with courses I traditionally would’ve never been able to take back at UIUC. WRIT 150 in particular has allowed me to write about myself and explore my identity in ways that I had completely forgotten how to do.
When I wake up in the morning, the first thought that fills my head is usually numbers. My classes are math-intensive and logic-based, and there’s only one correct answer for every problem that I approach. For years my mind has been programmed to think methodically, and rarely have I had the opportunity to think about other things. I used to journal regularly, but as I entered college, my entries became fewer. I recall the time in my life that I would value self-reflection, journaling, and introspection, and how great it was for my mental health.
Coming into WP1 was a shock for me because it was reminiscent of the writing I used to do regularly but had in a way, forgotten. It was difficult to string together comprehensive sentences that could encapsulate the nuanced ideas of identity that I wanted to explore in my work, and I’d find myself reaching for online thesauruses to avoid redundancy in my writing. A skill set that once had been so natural for me was suddenly so difficult. Introspection was even more difficult — particularly in WP2 when we were asked to explore fragmented aspects of our identity and attempt to create a holistic theme for them. I could easily pinpoint the parts of myself I wanted to discuss, but really thinking about the why was immensely hard. Why did I choose to write about those things specifically? Why was I struggling to piece my thoughts together? Why were cornfields, swimming, my grandmother, and Foucault all connected? Finding my why has probably been more difficult than any calculus or biology course I could have taken because I’ve realized that there is no singular why.
The beauty of writing lies in the fact that there are no restrictions on who it represents, what it represents, or whether it needs to even represent something. This course allowed me to explore the parts of myself I didn’t even know existed or were connected to one another through its free-flowing, non-formulaic mode of expression and push for deep introspection. Writing about myself has given me the chance to free my mind of the constraints I had placed from years of restrictive schooling and finally think about the things that were long due. Rather than grasping for ways to extend a sentence to reach a word count or calculating the bare minimum grade I needed for a paper, I could truly reach within and allow, what I believe, is a stream of consciousness to take shape into words on a paper.
Writing also taught me to be courageous in my endeavors. It’s often easy to simplify things to make them digestible. I’m certainly guilty of doing this, along with compartmentalizing experiences and emotions that I can place on the back burner and not think about until necessary. Perhaps it’s made me stronger over time, but it’s also led to a lack of an emotional response. There were many instances during this course when I found myself searching for those boxed-up experiences and finally untangling the gritty knots that had formed as a result of neglecting to take care of them from the start. Oftentimes it was terrifying to do so, especially with WP3. Putting my writing out for the public view and speaking of deeply personal, traumatic experiences took a big leap of faith. By finally confronting my emotions rather than dodging them, what I experienced was cathartic. It was the breath of fresh air that I needed in my life and I am so grateful that writing about certain topics was such a healing moment for me.
After I finished writing WP3, I shared it with the rest of my family. The outpour of love and support messages I received from them was touching. My parents and brother contacted me, expressing their appreciation for what I had written. I think WP3 not only touched them emotionally but also shifted their perspective on certain things. I like to think that writing my piece healed a part of my family too given that, like me, they tend to disregard emotions and traumatic experiences. Witnessing how writing can be used as a vessel for healing and understanding truly has been such a beautiful thing to experience this past semester.
Going forward in my educational journey at USC, I look forward to taking more classes that tap into my creative, humanistic side. Additionally, I intend to start journaling once more in order so I can continue to explore my identity in the same way that I’ve done this semester. I don’t think that there will ever be one final resolution to the why’s in my life, but I know that by taking the steps to self-examine consistently, maybe I’ll feel more at peace than I have been these past few years. I’m incredibly thankful for the academic and personal challenge writing has afforded me this past semester, and I hope to continue on the amazing journey that is my life.
