WP4: Writing vs. Me, An Epic
Writing and I have a long history. The first week of middle school I came home and sobbed to my sister because I had to write a whole paragraph. Looking back on that, it seems ridiculous, but for me at the time that was practically insurmountable.
Over the years, my struggles with writing continued. Soon paragraphs became essays and research papers, but writing didn’t get easier with more practice. In high school, I once stayed up until 3 am trying in vain to just start an essay. Finally, I woke my mom up in a panic and we figured out a plan of what I could tell my teacher.
The combination of my perfectionism with my ADHD has at times been fatal. It wasn’t that I was bad at writing — in fact, in the end I’m usually very proud of my work — but getting there can be nigh impossible. I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve spent staring (or pointedly not staring) at a blinking cursor on an empty screen. The first challenge of writing is usually just convincing myself to do it. Because it’s so hard for me, I often put every other assignment, unpleasant chore, and hero’s journey before writing an essay.
The next obstacle is deciding what to write. The broader the prompt, the more infinite the options. In sets my decision paralysis.
what should i write about i need to pick the perfect topic there are so many options none of them are good enough there are too many good ones what do i do im stuck i cant think about this anymore i want it to be good it is going to be horrible i just need to pick something anything but none of them are good my teacher is going to hate me…
Finally, (usually only with the help of my mom or sister) I manage to fight off these anxious thoughts, and pick a topic. But now it only gets harder. Research and evidence. With books, I read and usually reread the entire thing to find every single possible piece of evidence. With research projects it’s worse. All the research in the world is available to me, and my brain insists:
i have to track down and read all of it what if i miss the perfect piece of evidence let me read just one more source it might be exactly what i need oh no i cant access this search everywhere order a hard copy it wont be here in time but this book looks interesting i can read it in my spare time and give it to my friend she’ll like it what was i doing before this oh right shoot the writing whoops
Research requires the internet, the internet quickly becomes Alice’s rabbithole. Even on scholarly sites like jstor I find everything fascinating, and can’t help but read whatever random research on the correlation between whatever and whoever.
All of this before I even start writing. And this is always the hardest part: starting. I have to overcome so many obstacles just to convince myself to begin typing (without immediately deleting everything).
This semester intensified the same experiences I’ve had with writing again and again. The prompts were broader still, so deciding on a topic was worse, but the topics were also fascinating, so I ended up loving the process and what I would learn with each project.
Class discussions reignited my passion for learning and dialoguing about complex social issues, and I tried desperately to bring this into my writing, but the more passionate I was about a topic, the more I felt I needed to do a good job, so the more difficult writing became. Back to staring at a screen. It may have looked to an outsider like I was doing nothing, but inside my head it was war.
just write i cant you can i cant no just do it you have to write something anything but it has to be good it has to be perfect no thats not good enough delete it dont you need something delete okay fine trying again i dont know where to start no matter what i write it wont be good enough im never going to finish this and then i will fail the class and fail college and fail life and everyone will hate me no youre letting your intrusive thoughts in just write damnit why cant you just write something youve been sitting here for way too long i would give anything to be doing anything else right now my stomach hurts im nauseous with anxiety great now i cant even focus even if i could write something but i cant i cant i cant
The intrusive thoughts never ended, no matter how much I bargained with them. If someone tells you something enough times, it gets to you, even if that person is you. Just these horrible thoughts on loop for hours, adrenaline coursing through my veins, making me sick. Eventually I get through it. I always have, and I told myself I always would. I would finally reach the perfect amount of anxiety to motivate me to write and not be too anxious to write, or I would reach out to someone and they would help me overcome it enough to get started.
This all may sound painful, and it is, but once I begin writing, it usually has enjoyable moments. Phrases I like, ideas I’m proud of, new things I discover through writing.
This class in particular, although one of the most difficult I’ve been in, was also one of the most rewarding. I really felt like I learned so much about my own identity and the world around me — through writing — something that’s rarely happened before. While I’m certainI will continue to struggle with writing, this class has proven that it’s nonetheless worth the effort to persist. In many ways, writing is taking on my ADHD and anxiety head on. So although every assignment is an uphill battle, at least I can be proud that I overcame them one more time. Along the way I am finding strategies that help me push through and make writing a smidge easier each time.
